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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Well here is where I am in this mess of a relationship. We

Resolved Question:

Well here is where I am in this mess of a relationship.
We moved into a new home. What a headache. He was very stressed and everytime he was stressed or overwhelmed he took it out on me. We were taking some stuff out of the attic and he dropped a carseat and it hit my head hard! I started crying and he yelled OMG you always cry and hurt yourself. He was mad at me. I couldn’t believe it. I was shocked.
He was messing around with a family friend. Well from what I hear he convinced her he couldn’t leave me because I wouldn’t leave. Now that we moved to a new house together she was furious. I think he has now told her that I know things about him that could get him in trouble so he has to stay with me. This is very much untrue!! It hurts me that he makes me look like this type of person to all these people. She asked his aunt the other day so do you and Brenda go out a lot? His aunt said no never she is always with Gilbert. That for some reason seemed to make her mad. She also seemed to get upset because the aunt was saying how inice I fixed the house up. Why is she mad about if I go out with his aunt or not? Why does she care how my house looks? Why does she even care about me? I don’t care about her. She has to live with her choices I can go to sleep at night with clear conscious. She has 3 kids from 3 different men none of which have stayed with her. Her last child she had was with a man she was having an affair with. He told her he would leave his wife and be with her only in the end to say no he wanted to stay with his wife.
Last Tuesday he didn’t come home from work. I called around 5:15 to see when he was going to be home so I knew about dinner but of course no answer. I called both his phone numbers and no answer. I then text and no answer. I left the house around 6:30 to go to my friend’s house and when I got home he was home. I was nice but did ask why didn’t you take my call. He started going off how I was like him mom, how I was a complainer, how everything was my fault. I can’t believe him. I don’t call him hardly anymore because I got sick of hearing him tell me crap but anytime he does something wrong it seems like he goes off on how bad I am. I sit there and try to listen and when it’s my turn to talk he over talks me and never gives me the opportunity to voice what I have to say.
I finally got sick of it all. He has been working every night on his sister’s house. He doesn’t get home until around 9. I have not been calling him or anything. I have been doing my own thing and I am really starting to enjoy my independence and time alone. He now calls and says what are you going to do. I asked on Wednesday what time are you going to be home. He was all worried to why I wanted to know. He was very suspicious of what I was going to do. Now he has been all over me and we went from him not wanting sex with me to wanting and bugging me all the time. He can’t get enough of me. Why?
He is always trying to ruin the relationships I have with his family. I am close to them and he really tries to ruin it. I fight hard not to let that happen because he has done it with all the other girls. I was friends with his family before I dated him. I refuse to let that happen. He says things to them that are lies and then says things to me that are lies.
What do you think about it all? What should I do to stay ahead of the game and continue to heal?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hello, and thanks for the request!

It sounds like he has been doing some of the same behaviors for a long time now and is not able to see that they do not work. He seems to continue to want to control you. He shows this when he always wants to keep track of you and wants to know what you are doing, yet he doesn't extend you the same courtesy. He may also feel that you are pulling away and are not as interested in what he is doing so he gets worried that you will leave. So he tries to keep track of you and wants to sleep with you more. It appears that he may want his freedom but doesn't want you to have yours.

The same goes for his girlfriend. He may have told her things about being with her and other promises, but she finds out he is with you and that these things are lies. She is probably hurt and jealous so she acts out when she finds out about you, making you the target instead of taking it out on him.

The best way to stay ahead is to keep doing what you are doing. Ignore his bad behavior, do your own thing and keep your distance emotionally. By maintaining your control, you give him little to control over you. Keep changing your plans and don't wait home for him if he doesn't show up. Go out with friends, visit family and develop a good social life. That way, you increase your self esteem while keeping his control at bay.

Kate

Just to let you know, JA changed it's system. You now have to click three or more stars in order to accept the answer. It's confusing, I know! Sorry about that
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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