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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 530
Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
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my husband walks away every time we argue since august he has

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my husband walks away every time we argue since august he has took a few things and stayed there he walked out last weekend once on the saterday to a static caravan we owen then came back sunday without a word we try to talk but he just uped and said he was going to stay with our son but he went to our daughters he shows all three adult children my texts i send him and tells them his tale i dont tell them any thing as i feel its between man and wife is it right that he goes to the same daughter all the time do many other men go to there children
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.
Hello,

I'm Alicia. Thanks for your question, I'm happy to help you today.

I'm sorry to hear about the level of distress you're experiencing over this situation with your husband. On the one hand, it's not so unusual that he walks away during an argument, as sometimes, it's necessary to take a breather and get some space to prevent such arguments from escalating further. However, in my opinion, it's not the greatest idea that he chooses to involve your daughter in your private life all the time. In terms of what happens between a married couple, it's usually best and advisable to keep certain things private, and it seems inappropriate to me that your husband shows your adult children the text messages that you are sending to him. It seems to me that he's trying to rustle up support for his "side" of things by involving them to this extent, but it's entirely unfair to you that he does this and it seems that it's not serving any benefit. In fact, I think this is just making matters worse, and if he wants to work on your marriage and try to improve things, then he needs to be able to discuss his issues directly with you, without involving your children. I would suggest that you either talk to him directly about how you're feeling about this or (if he won't listen to you) that you write a letter to him explaining how this is impacting you, your health and your relationship. Sometimes, you won't be able to resolve things on your own, however. If this is the case, it's advisable to consult a qualified mental health professional - a couples counselor, preferably, but your husband has to be willing to agree to go, too, of course - so that you can discuss things with a professional, neutral third party who can act as a mediator and help you both come to a happy middle ground where you can possibly start to work on the issues that are causing you both such grief.

In any case, I'd suggest that you consult a counselor or psychologist on your own to help you deal with the intense anxiety, anger and frustration this situation is causing you. If you're starting to suffer physical symptoms (stomachaches, sleep problems, etc) then it's even more important that you seek professional help for yourself, and especially if you don't have much social support (and it sounds like you don't.) It's very, very hard to deal with a situation like this on your own, and it's not really so strange that you're feeling the way you're feeling. You can find a licensed mental health professional in your area on this website:
http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/

You can use this website to find a couples counselor, if your husband is willing to participate, and also to find an individual therapist, which may be the option you have to start with. In any case, you should not have to tolerate his behavior. However, remember that it may be the case that he's not able to hear what you want to say - in this case, writing a letter explaining to him how he's affecting you is probably the best option, because he can read it on his own time and his own terms and he won't be able to react instantly to you by walking away or ignoring what you're saying.

I hope this information is helpful and that you will be able to find a counselor soon. However, if you need additional assistance, please feel free to reply to this message. Best wishes.
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 530
Experience: Specializing in mental health counseling
Alicia_MSW and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thankyou its a big help to be able to understand that its not just me who feels its wronge where he stays, even if he didnt say anything to me i feel mwhen i amtalking to my children and i say something its like they already know if i dont say anything they tend to slep something out dat is private its a shock and makes things worse, i wear a super pubic cathiter due to an op that went wronge, long tale as i was on life surport so i am very vonerable i lost my bowel as well so medicaley i cant just twhen the shouting begins he says he is frustrayted i feel betrayed all the time and dont just hv to justiefi my actsions to my husband bt my children as well they are 28, daughter son 26 daughter 23 my husband is self employed by my eldest daughter again this causes arguements due to the fact her husband my daughter and husband can all access money i cant as i am kept in the dark again i darent mension this as it will cause more bad feeling
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.
Hi again :)

It's not just you - in my professional opinion, it is wrong that he is behaving the way he's behaving, including your children in your private life and also, in the physical state that you're in, it's hurting you not only mentally. The fact that everyone is co-mingling in your private life and the financial aspects of things (with your husband being employed by your daughter, if I am understanding you correctly) makes things much more complicated. But the fact of the matter is, if you are in such a weakened physical state, it's not serving you to participate in any form of arguing about this with him. That might be why the letter writing suggestion is better than having a face-to-face confrontation with him, as you said, arguing with him and the shouting is just making things worse instead of better. But I do also feel that you need to have some form of social support. You might try talking to your children just to let them know how you're feeling about this, and since they are adults, you might ask them to simply tell their father that they don't want to know any information about your private life, if he's not willing to take action and stop his behavior. I hope that this helps you, and I hope that you will think about seeing a counselor if only for social support. Although it's not a solution, I hope it will get you on the road to being able to handle this very difficult situation a bit better. Please let me know if you need any more help.

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