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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
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I cant get over a past relationship. Many little things that

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I can't get over a past relationship. Many little things that she did to me, like kiss a guy behind my back and have sex behind my back, linger in my head. I constantly think about such little things and it upsets me. Why can I not stop thinking of these things or how can I stop myself from thinking about these little things. It makes me an irritable person to be around because it is not the person in front of me, it is the things that I am thinking in my head on these past issues.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.
Hello,

I'm Alicia, I'm happy to help with your question today.

It's not always easy to "get over" a relationship in which you've been betrayed. Kissing a guy behind your back and having sex behind your back are not small things, after all. They represent the deepest physical connection you can have with another person and it makes sense that you feel angry and hurt about it and that you subsequently feel irritable because you would, obviously, prefer "not" to feel this way.

A lot of factors are involved in trying to get over a betrayal in a relationship - even if it's been over for a while - 8 months is not such a terribly long time, so it's not so unusual that you're still feeling hurt and angry about it, and especially if you cared very deeply for this person or if you were involved in the relationship for a long time (although these two factors aren't necessary in order to feel the way you're feeling.)

One tip that is often helpful for people in your situation is to write a letter to the other person (so, the woman you were in the relationship with) expressing all of the hurt and anger you wish you could tell her to her face. The intent is not to send the letter, but to simply get out all of the feelings about it you might be keeping bottled up inside and that are expressing themselves as your being "irritable". Another part of it is allowing yourself to feel these feelings instead of trying to suppress them. You know the expression, "what you resist, persists", so by consciously trying to force these feelings down you might actually be unintentionally increasing their intensity. And another part of it is involving yourself in other relationships - and not necessarily romantic ones, but developing meaningful friendships and connections with others who you care about and who care about you. Finding activities and hobbies you enjoy can help you connect with people who share similar interests, just as an example.

In the end, sometimes it's not possible to handle these feelings on your own, and professional intervention (even on a short-term basis) can be extremely helpful. If you feel like, despite your best efforts, these feelings are not resolving themselves, you may wish to enlist the help of a licensed counselor. It can help to talk about your feelings with a professional, with someone who can help you work through your feelings and gain a different perspective on what's happened (perhaps). If you are interested, you can find a counselor in your area on this website:
http://www.find-a-therapist.com/

I hope that helps, and I wish you luck. Please let me know if you need additional assistance.
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 596
Experience: Specializing in mental health counseling
Alicia_MSW and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So far so good, thank you. Ok, one thing that is constantly bothering me is; I flew to Bogota Colombia with my daughter to obtain a fiancee visa for my colombian fiancee. While at the hotel she left the room one night after our rejection, she said to get some fresh air. She came back barely being able to walk and went straight to the bathroom. I knew she had sex and I confronted her. she said no no no, it is just my period and I do not feel well. She immediately went to bed after the bathroom. I confronted a staff employee the next day who said she had sex with him the first night, but she was down stairs talking to him when three men walked in and she went to the room with them. It was a big blow up and I "cried to her" what was she doing? I was there for her, she did not need to do this stuff anymore, if that be the case!!! The day we were leaving she was the last to walk out of the hotel to the taxi and kissed me, I heard the male staff go eeeeeeewwwwwww,....I told her what "otro vez?" (another time?). I just forgave her and forgave her, saying that I have always dreamed of having someone just like her, that she was my angel from god!!! We met in March of 2010, met and had the best sex in the world the next month June of 2010. I immediately moved for a visa and our visa appointment was in March of 2011 when she slept with these men. In August of 2011 I married her,...I was upset with her that night because it seemed like she was flirting with everyone. I told her, and she stopped the wedding and we went home. She told me that I had ruined the wedding. We went on our honeymoon to San Andreas, and I can swear that she slept with the hotel owner, but I cannot prove it. I confronted her over and over about all these things and she told me to just have confidence in her. I reminded her about Bogota, she said that was Bogota, that she doesn't have contact with any of these men, that she was never with another man, that I could have confidence in her. I flew back to the United States, and then flew back in December of 2011. She changed, she was different, she wouldn't kiss me or hug me or anything. I asked why I flew back to be with her. I asked for a divorce, she agreed in a snap and had an attorney at the house the next day. I flew back home having lost the most beautiful angel in the world that I always dreamed of. But she kept emailing me for money saying her daughter is worried about rent, about food, so I agreed to send money every two weeks still, $250. She asked for $1,800 to get breast implants redone. I told her that she wanted all the benefits of being married to me, but agreed to divorce me so fast, wtf?????????? She told me she still loved me, that if I could just change and be a man with more confidence and not jealous all the time. that she still thought of me as her husband, and that maybe some day we could make it work. I hired an investigator who found her sleeping with other men in Colombia while emailing me and saying all these things. Neighbors told the investigators all the local and "foreign" men that came and slept with her! The investigators pulled a DAS log of all the men that used her name and address to customs. This is the log; Orlando Arana-Iriarte, U.S. passport, dates June 5-11, 2011 Angel XXXXXXXXXXX U.S. passport, dates June 20-27, 2011 Wedding August 19, 2011 to Tim (but not real)(a scam) Tim XXXXXX, U.S. passport, dates August 16, 2011 through September 1, 2011 Steve XXXXXXXXXXX, U.S. passport, dates October 12-19, 2011 Tim XXXXXX, U.S. passport, dates December 6, 2011 through December 15, 2011 Power of attorney signed for divorce December 14, 2011 Richard XXXXXX, U.S. passport, dates December 27, 2011 through January 3, 2012 Divorced January 7, 2012 Richard XXXXXXX, U.S. passport, dates March 16-21, 2012 Aaron XXXXXX, British Passport, dates April 5-13, 2012 Aaron XXXXXX British Passport, dates May 26-31, 2012 So, I am beating myself up.....why didn't I walk away and leave in Bogota? Why did I forgive her? I could have just walked away right then!!! She flung her arms across me and kissed me and held me tight and I was so in love that I forgave!!! I was and am such an idiot!!! Why didn't I press and question her more everytime I saw her with a man alone???? Why why why did I not walk away sooner??? Why am I so stupid? Why was I so in love with her that I let her do these things? do these things in front of me and then forgive her???? aAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhh!!!! Yes, it hurts very much. So, when I think of these things,...I can't believe I didn't do anything, why I didn't just walk away,........why didn't I do that!!!!!!!! So, I am just constantly torturing myself with these questions. I wish I could go back in time and react differently. I wish I would have walked away. God should have made a time machine for people like me, huh???lol!!!;~) I don't know what my question is, just that this is what I am going through.
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,

It really sounds like this has been quite a dramatic, frustrating, painful, confusing situation, and I really empathize with what you've gone through. You obviously cared very much for her, despite her actions - although she tries to justify and rationalize her behavior, it's simply not acceptable and it's not something you should have had to put up with. You've done way more than enough for her and it seems like she wanted to have her cake and eat it too, so to speak. Regardless, you loved her, and so you forgave her. It's not something to beat yourself up about in retrospect, because, not to sound cliche, but hindsight is always 20/20. When you're so emotionally involved in a relationship, it's sometimes very easy to turn a blind eye to even the most hurtful actions. Plus, it seemed that she knew exactly how to get from you what she wanted - yet when you asked for a divorce, she was all too willing to jump on that without any questions asked. I think you hit the nail on the head when you told her she wanted all the benefits of being married to you - without being married to you. I think you were obviously just blinded by love, attraction, infatuation, call it what you will, but you should try to forgive yourself for this (and her, actually, in the end, that would be the healthiest thing for you, if you could reach a point where you forgive (not accept) her actions so that you can move on to a better, healthier relationship. But it's not easy.) Even if you questioned her and pressed her, as you say in the last part of your email, it sounds like she would have found a way to manipulate the situation anyway, so in the end you'd be questioning yourself (perhaps - these are just thoughts I'm throwing out at you here, of course.) But of course it hurts. You look back now without the veil of infatuation/attraction/love and you see the whole situation more clearly. So I realize you might not have had a question :) But I just wanted to reply with my thoughts/opinions, and to let you know that it's normal to be going through this process. It's almost like the process people go through during grief - (read here for more info, scroll to where it says the five stages of grief: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm) You have to allow yourself to go through this process, feel angry, feel betrayed, question things, etc - in order to fully process and accept what's happened. It's normal. Everyone wishes they could do things differently at one point or another, but hopefully (hopefully!) we learn from them and grow and move on to bigger, better and more productive relationships/lives/situations, etc. I wish you luck. Please feel free to contact me if you want to talk about this more.
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 596
Experience: Specializing in mental health counseling
Alicia_MSW and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thank you thank you thank you. I tried talking to friends and family,...and the answer is always the same; "why can't you get over this?" "Why are you still talking about this?" "move on, get over it?" yada yada....Yes yes, very good analysis. Many of the things you said is what I was thinking also, she would have just come up with another story. Yes, in the end I must forgive myself and forgive her. No-matter what was done, it is done, and yes no magical time machine dog gone it, lol!!! Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX is helping me get a lot of feelings out and some lost tears that were dying to get out, lol;~) Thank you because I agree that this is the only way for me to move on is if I work it all out in my head to see everything that I suppressed for so long. I forgot,..I forgot a lot of stuff I suppressed and only now does it him me like "WTF", my head back, mouth open, and then I shake my head in disbelief. Then I look in the mirror and ask myself where the hell was I and why didn't I do anything,....at first I was angry at myself,...but I'm tired of being angry at myself lol!!! Yes, it is time to forgive myself,...and at the same time I must forgive her so that I can fully forgive myself. I wake up like now, thinking of such things, but now they are less intense, more calming (I don't know of another word to describe it), but instead of intensely pacing around shaking my head. I sit down and think about it and write my letter and I can go back to sleep..........thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! night:~)

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