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Sorry, that was confusing. I was thinking that you might have wanted to leave who Hilary was behind because you may have seen her as your parents did, not worthy, bad and someone to be ignored. I wanted to be sure you didn't feel that way about yourself now. I don't want to make it sound like you can't feel that way, though. After what you have been through, it's understandable.
The new system is confusing! Sorry about that. And thanks for clicking the good side!
It's ok to dwell on it. It is a big decision, especially with the load that little Hilary carries with her.
I am interested that you used yourself as a child for a role model for how to parent. I see how you thought of it and it makes sense. You didn't want your kids to feel as you did and be traumatized in the same way. But what is missing is that the cause of what you felt as a child was your parents. They caused you to feel as you did and the struggles you have currently. The absence of blame says that you may see yourself as the sole reason for the problems and not your parents. But if you had been able to have healthy parenting, you would not have suffered with any of these issues. So the problems did not originate with you, they came from your parents.
The abuse that Dave put on the kids was of his own doing. He is responsible. But it is your parents who made the model for Dave being in your life. Although this is not about blame, it is important that you don't put the burden on yourself for what happened to you. The shame you feel about your name is XXXXX XXXXX of the abuse you suffered as a child. You took on the blame and made it your fault. But a young child does not have the capacity to understand what is being done to them and all the psychological implications of parents who are abusive. What you can do now is let that blame and shame go and put it where it belongs. Carrying it with you hurts you, especially when you did nothing wrong.
Good night, Hilary Rose (it's good you feel ok saying it now)! I was so glad you shared that it was our anniversary and that we had so much time together today. It made it special.