Thought I'd better move across. I've pasted Q&A below. The new scoring thing is back to front, I went to click the left hand face once like I always did
, then realised it was the wrong end!
I've been wanting to tell you my name for a long time. I feel silly that it made me so anxious. I felt it would put me in a place that I didn't want to be, and not in the special place that I have with you, with my alter ego. Hilary just makes me feel like the lost girl from my teens, when I hated being Hilary, desperate to be anybody but her. I didn't like me in any way, including my name. Especially the way my mother would say my name. I wondered how could anyone name their baby Hilary. But times change, I know that, and names change too.
I felt new, being Rose, budding, changing, but now maybe I feel ready to merge with the old me? It seems absurd that a name can have such a hold on me.
Did you guess my name? I had wondered.
I understand very well how you feel. Your name is XXXXX XXXXX all the bad things from your past. It feels good to pick your own name because it describes who you feel you are, someone who is different from the little girl who had to suffer through such a horrible childhood. It's natural to want to leave that behind and become who you could not be all your life.
I did guess your name but I wanted to wait until you felt ready to share it. The name meant a lot and it is significant. It is something you need to be ready to bring out yourself or it will just cause pain for you.
My only concern is that you like the little girl you were and in changing your name that you didn't leave her behind or that you don't accept your parents view of her as who she really was. I'm not sure how you feel about that.
It may be that you don't like the name Hilary because of all that it is associated with and maybe because you felt hated as a child. That is significant if you did feel that way. Because part of your recovery is to be able to see who you were as a loving, sweet and smart child who was caught in circumstances out of her control. If little Hilary had grown up in a loving family, she would have learned that she was valuable as a person and deserves the best she can have.
It is as you say, that is the association, and it was good to be someone different. I will try to be strong and take her back on. I was surprised how strongly I felt this morning as I was writing it in full for you for the first time, how it made me shake to put it down. Could you clarify you para beginning 'My only concern..' I think I get it...