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Ask TherapistMarryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5763
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hey Kate.............

This answer was rated:

Hey Kate.............
Got it! Talk to you soon!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thanks Kate
Thought I'd better move across. I've pasted Q&A below. The new scoring thing is back to front, I went to click the left hand face once like I always did, then realised it was the wrong end!

I've been wanting to tell you my name for a long time. I feel silly that it made me so anxious. I felt it would put me in a place that I didn't want to be, and not in the special place that I have with you, with my alter ego. Hilary just makes me feel like the lost girl from my teens, when I hated being Hilary, desperate to be anybody but her. I didn't like me in any way, including my name. Especially the way my mother would say my name. I wondered how could anyone name their baby Hilary. But times change, I know that, and names change too.

I felt new, being Rose, budding, changing, but now maybe I feel ready to merge with the old me? It seems absurd that a name can have such a hold on me.

Did you guess my name? I had wondered.

I understand very well how you feel. Your name is XXXXX XXXXX all the bad things from your past. It feels good to pick your own name because it describes who you feel you are, someone who is different from the little girl who had to suffer through such a horrible childhood. It's natural to want to leave that behind and become who you could not be all your life.

I did guess your name but I wanted to wait until you felt ready to share it. The name meant a lot and it is significant. It is something you need to be ready to bring out yourself or it will just cause pain for you.

My only concern is that you like the little girl you were and in changing your name that you didn't leave her behind or that you don't accept your parents view of her as who she really was. I'm not sure how you feel about that.

It may be that you don't like the name Hilary because of all that it is associated with and maybe because you felt hated as a child. That is significant if you did feel that way. Because part of your recovery is to be able to see who you were as a loving, sweet and smart child who was caught in circumstances out of her control. If little Hilary had grown up in a loving family, she would have learned that she was valuable as a person and deserves the best she can have.


It is as you say, that is the association, and it was good to be someone different. I will try to be strong and take her back on. I was surprised how strongly I felt this morning as I was writing it in full for you for the first time, how it made me shake to put it down. Could you clarify you para beginning 'My only concern..' I think I get it...

Sorry, that was confusing. I was thinking that you might have wanted to leave who Hilary was behind because you may have seen her as your parents did, not worthy, bad and someone to be ignored. I wanted to be sure you didn't feel that way about yourself now. I don't want to make it sound like you can't feel that way, though. After what you have been through, it's understandable.


The new system is confusing! Sorry about that. And thanks for clicking the good side!


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thanks Kate,

well, little Hilary has been tucked away for a long long time. Although I have visited her now and again as the children were growing up, taking note of how she felt, how she behaved, how she coped, just so that I could be certain my children couldn't and wouldn't feel like that, or have the same happen to them. So she has been an anti-model for my parenting, and I believe I have been successful in helping their childhood to be very unlike mine. But I have allowed them to be exposed to the abuse that D hands out to them, and I am not proud of that.

I see I am still a lot like the young Hilary, but I have gained a certain confidence to cope with life, there is more going for me, and I have 2 lovely kids who love me loads. My mind has dulled, I need more thought for her, but another day now.

I have struggled to put my name to my posts since that first time, my confidence gone. Maybe I'm not ready to be Hilary Rose just yet, I am dwelling on it right now.......


It's ok to dwell on it. It is a big decision, especially with the load that little Hilary carries with her.


I am interested that you used yourself as a child for a role model for how to parent. I see how you thought of it and it makes sense. You didn't want your kids to feel as you did and be traumatized in the same way. But what is missing is that the cause of what you felt as a child was your parents. They caused you to feel as you did and the struggles you have currently. The absence of blame says that you may see yourself as the sole reason for the problems and not your parents. But if you had been able to have healthy parenting, you would not have suffered with any of these issues. So the problems did not originate with you, they came from your parents.


The abuse that Dave put on the kids was of his own doing. He is responsible. But it is your parents who made the model for Dave being in your life. Although this is not about blame, it is important that you don't put the burden on yourself for what happened to you. The shame you feel about your name is XXXXX XXXXX of the abuse you suffered as a child. You took on the blame and made it your fault. But a young child does not have the capacity to understand what is being done to them and all the psychological implications of parents who are abusive. What you can do now is let that blame and shame go and put it where it belongs. Carrying it with you hurts you, especially when you did nothing wrong.



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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
My eyes are really heavy.I need to sleep now.

Thank you for sharing our anniversary with me, I'll come back for more tomorrow.

Good night Kate,

H..H..Hilary Rosex :)

Good night, Hilary Rose (it's good you feel ok saying it now)! I was so glad you shared that it was our anniversary and that we had so much time together today. It made it special.


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