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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5763
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My girlfriend, according to her, got unbelievably drunk to

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My girlfriend, according to her, got unbelievably drunk to the point of not making rational logic or decisions and cheated on me after a wedding. The guy approached her and pulled her into his bedroom. She awoke in the morning, realizing what had happened, and told me. She and I are a fairly new thing but things are fantastic and we have fallen really hard for each other. She realizes she made a huge mistake and says she doesn't even really deserve my forgiveness but still wants to be with and I want to be with her. I'm have a really hard time coping with what had happened, taking the steps to forgive her, and trying to get our relationship back to the way it was (though I'm not sure that's possible). I am fairly certain this was an anomaly and she would never do something like this again. She has never cheated before and has been cheated on by past boyfriends. She has even put forth promises to no longer drink when I am not with her and she intends to seek out a counselor. How can I get my relationship back? A lot of what I'm angry about has to do with the fact that she never told him she had a boyfriend. I know she cares about me deeply and has been making efforts since the incidence to try to fix things, but I just need help coping and even deciding if this is a relationship I am able to save/even worth saving.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It is very hard to face the pain of a betrayal in your relationship. It alters what you believed about your relationship at a very basic level. It takes from you that love and connection you felt you had and replaces it with pain and anger. What your girlfriend did undermined your ability to trust her. And when you give yourself totally to a relationship, you want to be able to trust that person. If that trust is taken away, then it can be hard to rebuild.

There are two parts to the situation. One, is what your girlfriend did and whether or not she is sorry. If she is sorry and does make amends, then your relationship has a chance. In order to do that, your girlfriend must take responsibility and own up to her behavior. It sounds like she has done that, which is a good sign. Now she must prove that she will continue to do what she said she would do so you can rebuild your trust.

The other part of this is your feelings. Anger often covers pain. It is a normal reaction to the betrayal you suffered. You are hurt, probably very deeply. And you may not know where you stand in the relationship anymore because it has all been altered by your girlfriend's cheating. Knowing if you should continue the relationship is a difficult decision, especially when you are in pain.

What is helpful is to give this time. You are just starting to deal with your feelings and your girlfriend has not had time to make this up to you by proving she can be trusted. Allow her time to make amends. She should be allowing you to ask any questions you want of her. She also needs to be transparent with her activities, even if she doesn't want to. You need the reassurance that you know she is not cheating again. This does not mean you control her, but rather that you have the right to know where she is and who she is with.

Also, talk about how you feel. Be sure you don't stay just with your anger but also allow yourself to feel hurt too. This is painful and acknowledging that can make a big difference. If you have family and friends to talk with, that is good. If not, consider therapy. Your relationship may be new, but it is worth giving it the chance it deserves.

I hope this has helped you,

I am sorry that you felt the answer did not help. Is there anything I can do to provide you with a more helpful answer?


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I guess I am seeking out a little more help. I see her very differently now. My feelings for her are still there, but my mind often wanders back to the cheating despite her doing and saying all the right things. She has never given me any reason to distrust her, and in fact, I do trust that she would not do something like this again. I just don't know how to cope with my new image of her and desire to get to a place where I can see past it. How can I do that?

When a person hurts you like this, it is natural to feel certain things, including pain, betrayal and confusion. In order to get past this, you have to go through specific steps towards resolution.

The first step is to figure out exactly what she owes you. If it's necessary, write it down. It can be as specific as you would like and will express exactly (even if unrealistic) what she owes you. Once you have determined what she owes you, you are onto the second step.

The second step is to take a moment in time and to release the debt that you described above. This will be something that you say out loud. For example, on June 15th at 1 pm I let go of the debt that my girlfriend owes me for what she did. You will not feel better when you do this and your mind will occasionally take you back to your feelings. When it does, remind yourself that the debt she has created with you has been released.

As you do this and remind yourself that you have let go of what she owes you, you will not be saying that it is ok. Instead, you will be releasing her from the debt your mind keeps reminding you of. This way, your feelings will fade and you will truly be able to forgive her. This will take a little bit of time but releasing her and the process of healing can take place in a moment.

If you want to talk more, please let me know before you rate your experience as negative again. I want to you feel you have had your question answered.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi Kate,

That's a really interesting concept but I guess I'm confused as to what you mean by a debt? Could you give me an example? It seems so trivial in comparison

A debt is something you feel someone owes you. And when your girlfriend cheated, she took your trust and caused you pain. This is the "debt" she owes you and what keeps you from moving on and feeling better. Your pain is deep and that is understandable. But in order to move on, letting go of the debt (and the pain and anger) is important. And only you have the power to do that.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Sorry I haven't replied in a couple of days. I just wanted to let things sink in a bit more. Things are actually getting better, though I suppose my concern now is, is it getting better too quickly? She is certainly not taking it for granted (at least I hope), though, I am afraid I'm not giving this the proper amount of importance. I might just be overthinking it, but I just want to be sure I'm giving myself the proper amount of fairness and her the proper amount of (for lack of a better term) guilt.

It sounds like things are going well. As long as you feel that you are comfortable with how she is responding to this, then it is ok at any pace. The key here is her ability to regain your trust and your willingness to accept her efforts. And it is perfectly fine to be thorough about it. That is, you can ask her questions and be sure you are comfortable with each situation (such as where she is and who she is with). And I think you will find that your trust rebuilds as you go along.



May I kindly request you rate me again for the effort so the negative is removed (three or more stars)? Thank you!

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