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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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We are looking at getting married in Dec 2012. Weve had an

Resolved Question:

We are looking at getting married in Dec 2012. We've had an on off relationship for two years. He is 50 years old and still runs home after each and every arguement. Why am I not good enough?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

.

It sounds like your fiancé feels that going back to his family is the way to solve his problems in his relationship with you. It could be that he receives unconditional support with them or that he is unable to cope with his emotions on his own so he goes back for comfort and affirmation.

Taking the side of his family over you is not a good sign for your relationship. It shows that he puts his family first above you and your relationship with him. And this is even more serious if you intend to marry because marriage will not fix this problem. He will most likely continue to return to his family each time you argue, leaving you alone to cope with your feelings from the argument. In a marriage, the partners are supposed to leave their families and join as one. This is not what is happening in your relationship.

Arguments between couples are normal and usually are good ways to resolve conflicts if both people are committed to each other. But if your fiancé won't stay with you after arguing, there is no way for the two of you to work through what is wrong. If he runs away instead, this leaves you to deal with the problem and cope with the pain of being alone while he sides with his family.

Also, you have made a good effort to bond with his family. When you marry, his family will become yours as well. But this is going to be very difficult if his family always sees his side of things and does not include you. Over time, the pain of the situation is going to become difficult to deal with. And if you have children, they will get caught in the middle.

To resolve this, you may want to consider therapy. Therapy can help your fiancé see that his behavior is harmful to your relationship and hurts you. To find a therapist, talk with your doctor. Or you can also search on line at http://www.psychotherapy.co.za/. If your fiancé won't go to therapy with you, consider going alone. You need the support to help you figure out how you want to handle the relationship.

Also, here is a resource to help you:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/domestic-intelligence/200908/in-law-conflict-and-troubled-marriages

You may also want to look into support groups on line to give you a place to talk about your feelings and help you decide how you want to handle your relationship.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I hope you got all the information you needed today. If you have further questions, let me know.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi there Kate

I'm heartbroken! And so angry! I used to be a successful Broker but suffered losses after the recession. I still pay my way though. He has lots of money, but only pays for the groceries and maid (when we're not fighting). He just bought his 80 year old father a car for father's day, cash. (R120 000) I pay the bond, alarm, phones, w&lights, insurance, etc. He spent the whole day with them today. I hate him! Why even bother? All he wants is sex and that's been the last thing on my mind. (obviously he cant get it at his own house) His parents have been living with him for the past 15 years already! He had no relationship since his divorce 17 years ago. He is trying to make up for lost time with his daughter (21) too. Its sickening to see how the all act as if its normal. To me they all seem weird and he cant understand that I one us to build our own family home. he also works fromhis house and sees them everyday from 8-8! What am I thinking.....

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I can understand why you would feel as you do. His behavior says to you that you do not matter. He doesn't contribute to your home costs (yet he uses everything), he seems to have money but doesn't share it with you and he is focused on his family instead of you and your relationship. He also does not support you, even when you have had a set back in your work. All of these things are signs that he is not ready for a relationship.

You mentioned how he and his family act as if their behavior is normal. To them, it probably is. When there is co dependency within the family, which it sounds like there might be in his family, then they tend to see all others as "outsiders", even in a relationship such as yours and even if you are married. That is a hard situation to break and if your fiancé is not willing, then it is up to you to decide if you want to continue the relationship. He is showing you how he will act even when you are married. That tells you what you are faced with. This is not an easy choice and I'm sorry that he is doing this to you.

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi there Kate

I am heartbroken! And so angry! I used to be a successful Broker but suffered losses after the recession. I still pay my way though. He has lots of money, but only buy groceries and pay for the maid (when we’re not fighting) He just bought his 80 year old dad a car for father’s day, cash. (R120 000.00) I pay the bond, alarm, phones, w&lights, insurance etc. He spent the whole day with them today. I hate him! Why even bother? All he wants is sex and that’s been the last thing on my mind. (obviously he cant get it at his own home!)


Kind Regards XXXXX XXXXX xxxx

Ronel xxxx
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello, I received this post previously and already responded. I will post it again in case their is a problem with you viewing it:

.

I can understand why you would feel as you do. His behavior says to you that you do not matter. He doesn't contribute to your home costs (yet he uses everything), he seems to have money but doesn't share it with you and he is focused on his family instead of you and your relationship. He also does not support you, even when you have had a set back in your work. All of these things are signs that he is not ready for a relationship.

You mentioned how he and his family act as if their behavior is normal. To them, it probably is. When there is co dependency within the family, which it sounds like there might be in his family, then they tend to see all others as "outsiders", even in a relationship such as yours and even if you are married. That is a hard situation to break and if your fiancé is not willing, then it is up to you to decide if you want to continue the relationship. He is showing you how he will act even when you are married. That tells you what you are faced with. This is not an easy choice and I'm sorry that he is doing this to you.

Kate

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