I like reading your posts over and over, there is always so much there to learn from, so many aha's to be had!
I've had an aha day, one that shows me quite clearly that D is not here to change. This morning was the first fine day for days and days. I said, at last, a dry day, could D please cut the grass? I took Sam to work, then had to visit my parents to sort out skype for them so that they can talk to Helen in Ghana. Dad's computer was causing problems, a sound card issue I expect, so I gave up with it and got Sam's laptop, and took an age to get things sorted on it, then had a practice session within the house, me on my netbook in the other room. I think I have the best solution for them, but no connection to Helen til tomorrow. I was gone 2 and a half hours, too long, and I was frustrated, wanted to be home.
I got home at 2, a note from D to say 'flat battery'. I assumed he meant the mower. He was out anyway. I was home alone, Poppy with her bf, Sam at work. I'd asked D to do 4 things this weekend. Dispose of the ff, cut the grass, clear the pile of soiled bedding from the aviary (rabbit's home) which I had created yesterday cleaning him out, and carry the glass recycling down to the bins. Yesterday he took the ff. Result. Today, no grass cutting, just out. I did
the bedding myself in the end, and the glass remains undealt with. I'll ask Sam tomorrow. I spent a good hour and a half pulling up long grass and weeds that line the path at the back of the barn, and generally tidying. It was too much for me really, I am very sore now, but I'm glad I got something done. Then Sam needed collecting from work. D came home shortly after, put a CD on that he'd just bought, and sat right down with his feet up. I went to my room for half an hour before putting the chicken in the oven. He was still sitting, now with the TV on. I said to Sam I was going to get Poppy from her bf's. D just sat there. When I got back he was asleep on the sofa. I prepared supper while he lay there, and then watched TV. Ate his supper, and put his feet up again. This all sounds petty, I'm not complaining, it's how it's always been, but I want to log it, this is like my journal (aren't you the lucky one!!) Basically I'm saying to myself that he isn't going to make an effort, he doesn't think he needs to.
Poppy asked me on the way home whether we would be divorced this week. D had told her (she didn't ask) that if Mum follows through, then he and I will be divorced by the end of the week. He doesn't have a clue, should I tell him how it all works? He has been advised to get legal advice, but he doesn't want to know. I have a leaflet that I got from the solicitors office, what to expect from a divorce, how it proceeds etc with a flow diagram. I could leave it somewhere for him to find, or talk to him about it, or just let it happen as it does. I will tell him if he asks me, but I don't really want a conversation about it if I don't have to.
I asked Poppy what she said to him by return, she said nothing much. I expect he was rooting for sympathy, or a reaction against me, but I'm just guessing.
I wanted to look for a photo of Sam when he was at kindergarten, age 3, it's a Christmas party picture, and his current girlfriend went to K at the same time, but of course they didn't know. They go to college together now, and when she came home one day I said they went to K together. They enjoyed looking at it this evening. Anyway, I had a lot of loose photos to look through, many of which are from D's childhood and 'past life'. I decided now was the time to put all 'his' photos into a box, so that has tidied the drawer considerably, and I feel like I have accomplished a little something towards becoming more separated.
And I have arranged to collect my chest of drawers tomorrow morning, quite a long drive, but will be pleasant. Sam will be home to give me a hand when I get back, and I haven't got to spend the rest of the day putting it together!!
My head is just superficial today, hope to do some more thinking this week!