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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hey! Talk to you soon!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hey Kate

I like reading your posts over and over, there is always so much there to learn from, so many aha's to be had!

I've had an aha day, one that shows me quite clearly that D is not here to change. This morning was the first fine day for days and days. I said, at last, a dry day, could D please cut the grass? I took Sam to work, then had to visit my parents to sort out skype for them so that they can talk to Helen in Ghana. Dad's computer was causing problems, a sound card issue I expect, so I gave up with it and got Sam's laptop, and took an age to get things sorted on it, then had a practice session within the house, me on my netbook in the other room. I think I have the best solution for them, but no connection to Helen til tomorrow. I was gone 2 and a half hours, too long, and I was frustrated, wanted to be home.

I got home at 2, a note from D to say 'flat battery'. I assumed he meant the mower. He was out anyway. I was home alone, Poppy with her bf, Sam at work. I'd asked D to do 4 things this weekend. Dispose of the ff, cut the grass, clear the pile of soiled bedding from the aviary (rabbit's home) which I had created yesterday cleaning him out, and carry the glass recycling down to the bins. Yesterday he took the ff. Result. Today, no grass cutting, just out. I did the bedding myself in the end, and the glass remains undealt with. I'll ask Sam tomorrow. I spent a good hour and a half pulling up long grass and weeds that line the path at the back of the barn, and generally tidying. It was too much for me really, I am very sore now, but I'm glad I got something done. Then Sam needed collecting from work. D came home shortly after, put a CD on that he'd just bought, and sat right down with his feet up. I went to my room for half an hour before putting the chicken in the oven. He was still sitting, now with the TV on. I said to Sam I was going to get Poppy from her bf's. D just sat there. When I got back he was asleep on the sofa. I prepared supper while he lay there, and then watched TV. Ate his supper, and put his feet up again. This all sounds petty, I'm not complaining, it's how it's always been, but I want to log it, this is like my journal (aren't you the lucky one!!) Basically I'm saying to myself that he isn't going to make an effort, he doesn't think he needs to.

Poppy asked me on the way home whether we would be divorced this week. D had told her (she didn't ask) that if Mum follows through, then he and I will be divorced by the end of the week. He doesn't have a clue, should I tell him how it all works? He has been advised to get legal advice, but he doesn't want to know. I have a leaflet that I got from the solicitors office, what to expect from a divorce, how it proceeds etc with a flow diagram. I could leave it somewhere for him to find, or talk to him about it, or just let it happen as it does. I will tell him if he asks me, but I don't really want a conversation about it if I don't have to.

I asked Poppy what she said to him by return, she said nothing much. I expect he was rooting for sympathy, or a reaction against me, but I'm just guessing.

I wanted to look for a photo of Sam when he was at kindergarten, age 3, it's a Christmas party picture, and his current girlfriend went to K at the same time, but of course they didn't know. They go to college together now, and when she came home one day I said they went to K together. They enjoyed looking at it this evening. Anyway, I had a lot of loose photos to look through, many of which are from D's childhood and 'past life'. I decided now was the time to put all 'his' photos into a box, so that has tidied the drawer considerably, and I feel like I have accomplished a little something towards becoming more separated.

And I have arranged to collect my chest of drawers tomorrow morning, quite a long drive, but will be pleasant. Sam will be home to give me a hand when I get back, and I haven't got to spend the rest of the day putting it together!!

My head is just superficial today, hope to do some more thinking this week!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Rose,

I am so glad that I can help make this journey a bit easier for you and to give you some of those "aha" moments to help sort this out. You mentioned that I am the lucky one getting to be there when you write out your thoughts about your situation, like a journal. I can't help but think, yes, indeed, I am lucky. I am very blessed to be part of your life, no matter how small a part I have :)

I think you have hit the nail on the head with your thoughts. It is an excellent idea to begin "cleaning out" Dave from your life. By separating his stuff from yours, you not only have the psychological benefit of taking action, you also send him a message that you are very serious about this divorce. You may even want to take it a step further and begin storing his things in another area of the house or even outside of the house, maybe an attic or a barn. It is fine to tell him that you are doing this and for what reason, if he asks. Let him know, very calmly, that you want him out and if he is not taking it seriously, you are.

Talking to him about the divorce directly may only give him a chance to start an argument. As you said, he is avoiding all references to being out (except for what he said to Poppy) and he seems to feel that ignoring the situation will make it go away. So to him it's business as usual. You may be better off taking action with your attorney's help or making it so hard for him to live there that he does move out. But I imagine, given what you have said, that nothing short of legal action is going to get him to leave. It is plausible that he thinks you will give in and let him stay. At least that is what his actions seem to say.

That was cute about Sam and his girlfriend (I can picture Sam now as you talk about him since you sent his photo!) going to Kindergarten together. They must have been so surprised.

It was nice of you to work with your parents so long on their Skype situation. You were not obligated to yet you put in many hours so they could talk with your sister. I hope they were thankful.

I hope you have a good night, Rose. I always look forward to talking with you. It brightens my day.

Katex
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate :)

Big big smile! I am lucky , very.

Goodnight Kate, til tomorrow

Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You are very welcome, Rose!

.

Big smiles all around, then! Till tomorrow....

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