It sounds like you've had a really difficult time trying to move on after your divorce.
Grieving can take awhile, and is generally pretty intense at first, but with normal grieving one expects to see the symptoms dissipate after a time. There's no "hard and fast rules," as to what this process looks like (it varies from person to person). First I am going to list some symptoms of what we call "complicated grief," and you can take a look and see if this does or does not fit you:
Complicated Grief Symptoms:Extreme focus on the loss and reminders of the time you were married to your ex-wifeIntense longing or pining for your ex wifeProblems accepting the divorceNumbness or detachmentPreoccupation with your sorrow/missing herBitterness about your lossInability to enjoy lifeDepression or deep sadnessTrouble carrying out normal routinesWithdrawing from social activitiesFeeling that life holds no meaning or purposeIrritability or agitationLack of trust in others
So --depending on how severe your symptoms are, the more cause for concern, if that makes sense.
Now, let me highlight the 5 stages of grieving, in case you are not familiar with them:
(disbelief that the loss occurred)
2. Anger: (Can be
at God, yourself, your ex-wife, etc)
3. Bargaining (If
only I had (fill in the blank), then the divorce wouldn't have
Sadness over the loss
You never forget, but acceptance involves getting to a place where you can live
your life again and are not so heavily weighed down by the loss.
The stages do not necessarily occur in order, and you can go back and forth between them before the grieving is over.
One thing you can do is try to figure out what stage you are in --or what stage you might be "stuck" in and try to work through that stage. If, for example, you have a lot of thoughts: If only I." Or "If only she hadn't." or "Maybe if I had" it's good to write them down and then try "talking back," to the thoughts.
You can make two columns and label one "evidence for my thought," and another column "evidence against my thought," and come up with as much as you can for both sides. Then form a more "balanced thought" that incorporates the truth of both the evidence for and against. For example, if your thought is "If only I had talked to my ex-wife more, we would still be together" you might have "I worked long hours and was so tired when I got home" in your evidence "for" side, but on the against side you have, "She often went to bed before I got home," Your balanced thought might be: "We didn't talk enough. But, it was a combination of me working long hours and the difficulty we both had setting time aside."
It's an overly simplistic example, but I just wanted to explain the process.
You mentioned that you've tried counseling --and I assume it didn't help? You might want to try a different counselor. Or perhaps look for a group for people who have lived through divorce.
Please follow up with more specifics if my answer does not address your concerns and I will be more than happy to continue.