I don't know. I just feel maybe it will help if I adjust my attitude and stop fighting it. I chose to go this route and I've chosen to stay this route. I need to get a grip on my level of upset. I'm thinking maybe if I have a better attitude it will help. I've been feeling sorry for myself for being so miserable, but advice said, I chose this and still think it will be worth it. There's therefore no reason I should feel sorry for myself. Granted, I was not aware of jut how sad
and angry and upset I could become. I wasn't prepare for the intensity or how long I would feel bad. But I always have a choice whether to continue or stop and as long as I made that decision to continue, and the decision is based on weighing whether it is worth it, then I need to see it through and buck up and deal. I have no more right to be happy and peaceful than anyone else, and t least this is due to something I've chosen and that will benefit me in the end.
I don't know. Maybe I I stop being upset about being upset it will alleviate some I it, you know?
And I don't know how to ask you to help me. I don't know what will help. It seems to depend on how I am feeling. One day, if I was telling you how miserable I was and you said "you decided it was going to be worth it and this is what you need to go through" or if you reminded me that many other people have gone through this or that it not going to kill me, it might motivate me. But othe days i might be mad or hurt and think "it still sucks" or feel that because so many others have gone through it, I must be weak because I am not handling it well. Also, sometimes I need to hear that what I went through is similar or less serious than what I lot o people have been through, but sometimes, thinking that my incident was more serious or severe justifies that I feel so bad.
So I don't know. I guess just be honest with me. And I don't know what I need. I can't tell. Obviously I'm not good at this. And I don't feel particularly directed by Linda right now, but I gather that may be because she is concerned because I have been so upset. I think she's trying just to deal with that right now.