I don't know why I am so upset. On Monday, I was just telling a little more of the story. Telling it just makes it seem so real. And Linda's reactions - she apparently didn't get the full impression from when I wrote it out, and I know I described things generally, like: "he asked, not in these words, if I wanted to give him oral sex, and I said yes, and he told me to ask for it and I did ....he told me what to do and I did it." So I guess I am being a bit more specific/descriptive in telling it, and she asks questions. She was making comments about the fact that he made me come over to him and had me put him in my mouth himself, and the directions he was giving me. That's hard enough to think about, even harder to tell her about. I don't want to know how awful she thinks it is. I mean - she doesn't act like I'm awful or anything - to be clear - and I know she's trying to be supportive by saying, essentially, that she can understand why this is difficult to say and why it upsets me and that she thinks it was an awful ordeal. But it makes it more real and it makes it hurt worse. Or maybe I feel worse because when she says things, it just drives home the fact that I am actually telling her these things and she's actually hearing them. I don't know.
Nothing is happening in or out of therapy to make me upset. I am just upset - upset about things that happened a lifetime ago and which ended up fine.
I don't think Linda was crossing boundaries - I understand that she is not supposed to let anyone go when they are at certain levels of upset. I know she wants to help me calm down - especially because I have trouble when am upset and alone. But I didn't want to sit there and cry or yell or anything. I wasn't going to settle down in a short time and there was nothing to be done about that.
The thing with my drum teacher - yes, it makes me sad. I did like him, and for over a year spent every Monday evening with him. He was a cool guy. I was mostly sad at the prospect of him not having close friends (which was wrong) and him going to Hell, of course. And dealing with his family. I want to help them and will. I just feel sad for them and for his actual close friends, who are having a difficult time.
The not being alone is driving me crazy. The only times I have alone are nights when I don't have to leave early for sessions with Linda, and after everyone else leaves, then from about 5:30-8:30 I'm alone - but I'm working, so I can't think through anything.
I know I can't know why and it doesn't matter why. No reason is probably going to appease me anyway. Ans it makes no difference. None of this does. I feel like I am attaching undue significance and emotion on things that do not matter, maybe never mattered or did but now don't anymore, and certainly will not matter. I want it all n its place, which is not supposed to be at the forefront of my mind. I don't know why I even care. It's like I am trying to process my feelings about things I don't even understand and won't understand or processing hypotheticals or guesses. Nothing is concrete, much of it isn't even real - it is just perception. It makes no sense to care that much about any of it.
I am irritable because of work and not being able to stick to plans and about the whole thing about not being alone. P doesn't understand because she is alone all the time. I about flipped out at her because she was supposed to go to the cabin this weekend (I finally told her I just can't go) - and then they decided not to, and then she was supposed to go to something tonight, and she had said she was still going to go because it would be over by 7 and I wouldn't be home by then anyway. But then I mentioned later I had a hair appointment and she asked if I was coming home after, and I said probably - I'll just bring more work home, and she said "oh, well then, since you'll be home, I won't go." I wanted to scream that she needed to go and leave me some time alone. She doesn't understand and she doesn't understand that I do not want to spend the precious time I have out of work with her family or doing things at their cabin, etc. I certainly will help out with whatever, but I am already so not looking forward to her family reunion and scattering of her parents' ashes in a few weeks, and I HAVE to go to that. Her family overwhelms me and she keeps changing plans of where we are staying, etc. and I don't even want to go, but I have to. And all this and I am moving offices in 2 weeks and have so much to pack, etc., aside from just the work I need to do. She doesn't understand that my leaving at 6:30 pm to go to her brother's for dinner is a huge deal when I have so much work, and if I could afford to leave work that early, I would rather be alone.
i know I won't get overwhelmed totally -- I will live and I will not go crazy. But it is overwhelming for me. I am having difficulty and I do not like it. I need to get some control of at least part of all this.