I just ... I was upset when I left my session with Linda on Monday evening. I had so much anger I wanted to cry or explode or something. I just felt so much pressure from it inside. I had asked Linda twice if I could leave, and it was already past our time. She said yes, but then would start asking things. Finally she said I could leave if I wanted, always, but she didn't want me to leave so upset. I told her I would be fine. She asked me to promise to call her the next day, and I said I would. I could not get to sleep for anything that night. I just laid there fuming - but about nothing and noone specific. I had felt like I couldn't even talk when I got home. I have been so busy all week - meeting after meeting and court and a lot due. I did call Linda on Tuesday, as I said I would. She asked if I still felt angry and I said I did, and we just talked for a minute then her next client came, so she said she'd call me back. I said she didn't have to - I was fine and only called her because I was keeping my word. She called me the next morning, apologizing up and down about not calling me back Tuesday, telling me what a day she'd had, etc. .... I told her not to worry about it. I said she didn't have to call me back. I didn't need to talk to her and didn't particularly want to talk to her, and had only called because I promised. So we didn't really talk, and was on my way to Court. I was still angry at everything Wednesday. This week has been full of emergency last minute hearings and meetings, and everything taking longer than expected, and not enough time to do actual work.
I had an appointment with Dr. M yesterday - just a short appointment about meds. She is pleased at how everything is working, so didn't change anything, which is good. We set a long appointment for a few weeks from now, to talk. She wants to talk to Linda before we meet, which I said was fine. I also had an appointment with Linda last evening. She could tell it had been a bad week, so gave me the option of leaving after about ½ hour - even said she'd give my check back. I said no - it was fine. I didn't want to go home anyway, because I thought P was home and it's driving me crazy not having any time alone, and it's hurting P's feelings that I am not talking to her about anything, and am getting more and more snappy because I feel like I don't have any time by myself - and not only is she always home when I am, but it seems like her brother and sister-in-laws are around a lot or she expects me to go do things with them or to go out of town or whatever - and I cant take it.
I wasn't too angry anymore yesterday, but I got really upset during my session with Linda (although we weren't even talking about anything new), and I was bawling hard when I left. But she let me leave when I wanted. She asked if I could even drive, and I said yes, and she asked if I wanted to sit for a while, and I said no. I had to get out of there. I was crying so hard by the time I got to our street that I went and sat in a parking lot until I calmed down, because I didn't want to feel like I had to explain anything to P and didn't want her asking anything or looking at me or anything. Turns out she wasn't even home.
Also, my drum teacher died Tuesday. I got several calls Tuesday morning from one of his friends, while I was in meetings, and Jamie finally pulled me out of my meeting, and he said Jim had told him I was a good friend of his and did all this stuff for him, and that if I wanted to see him, I better come in the next day or two. I was very saddened, because we weren't good friends - we weren't even really friends. I liked him, we talked sometimes at my lessons, and I did some legal stuff for him. But I never called him or anything or vice versa. I thought how sad it was if this is what he considered a good friend. How lonely. I didn't get to see him. He died by midafternoon. I met with his only relatives (niece and nephew) from out of state this morning, and was glad to find out that they cared about him as much as he had about them and also, he was surrounded by good friends at all times for the past month. So that made me feel much better. His service is on Sunday evening. I didn't even know he was that sick. I had taken February off and told him I wanted to start a new schedule n March (because I was taking lessons Monday evenings, and had to miss frequently because of my appointments with Linda). I had tried to call him over the past few months, and he didn't return my calls and every time I went by the drum shop, it was closed. So I thought he must be sick again (he had survived cancer a few years ago, but last I heard, in December, he had been nervous about some scans/tests and he said the next week that he was cancer free). Oh well. I just felt so bad that maybe he was lonely - but found out this morning that wasn't the case.
It is like I can't cope with my emotions anymore. I can't talk about what happened without getting overly emotional. I have trouble thinking about it without breaking down. I don't know what's wrong, but it's not cool. I feel miserable. I don't want this stuff to bother me anymore, and I don't think it should bother me that much anymore - but it does and I can't control it. It's stupid. There's nothing I can do about it. What's done is done. And why do I ask why? I will never have an answer. It doesn't matter. And when Linda starts telling me her take on what the mean one was doing or what his motivation may have been, I want to scream. I know I asked. I shouldn't have. And she doesn't know - she can only guess. But it probably all comes down to the fact that I went through all that and did things I can't forgive myself for and am going through all this now - probably for him just to get a very short period of feeling good or better about himself, which wouldn't have lasted. I don't even think he ultimately got any sexual gratification. It's all crap and I am overwhelmingly upset and it needs to stop. None of this will even matter. I don't know why it matters now.
I don't know why I am so upset. On Monday, I was just telling a little more of the story. Telling it just makes it seem so real. And Linda's reactions - she apparently didn't get the full impression from when I wrote it out, and I know I described things generally, like: "he asked, not in these words, if I wanted to give him oral sex, and I said yes, and he told me to ask for it and I did ....he told me what to do and I did it." So I guess I am being a bit more specific/descriptive in telling it, and she asks questions. She was making comments about the fact that he made me come over to him and had me put him in my mouth himself, and the directions he was giving me. That's hard enough to think about, even harder to tell her about. I don't want to know how awful she thinks it is. I mean - she doesn't act like I'm awful or anything - to be clear - and I know she's trying to be supportive by saying, essentially, that she can understand why this is difficult to say and why it upsets me and that she thinks it was an awful ordeal. But it makes it more real and it makes it hurt worse. Or maybe I feel worse because when she says things, it just drives home the fact that I am actually telling her these things and she's actually hearing them. I don't know.
Nothing is happening in or out of therapy to make me upset. I am just upset - upset about things that happened a lifetime ago and which ended up fine.
I don't think Linda was crossing boundaries - I understand that she is not supposed to let anyone go when they are at certain levels of upset. I know she wants to help me calm down - especially because I have trouble when am upset and alone. But I didn't want to sit there and cry or yell or anything. I wasn't going to settle down in a short time and there was nothing to be done about that.
The thing with my drum teacher - yes, it makes me sad. I did like him, and for over a year spent every Monday evening with him. He was a cool guy. I was mostly sad at the prospect of him not having close friends (which was wrong) and him going to Hell, of course. And dealing with his family. I want to help them and will. I just feel sad for them and for his actual close friends, who are having a difficult time.
The not being alone is driving me crazy. The only times I have alone are nights when I don't have to leave early for sessions with Linda, and after everyone else leaves, then from about 5:30-8:30 I'm alone - but I'm working, so I can't think through anything.
I know I can't know why and it doesn't matter why. No reason is probably going to appease me anyway. Ans it makes no difference. None of this does. I feel like I am attaching undue significance and emotion on things that do not matter, maybe never mattered or did but now don't anymore, and certainly will not matter. I want it all n its place, which is not supposed to be at the forefront of my mind. I don't know why I even care. It's like I am trying to process my feelings about things I don't even understand and won't understand or processing hypotheticals or guesses. Nothing is concrete, much of it isn't even real - it is just perception. It makes no sense to care that much about any of it.
I am irritable because of work and not being able to stick to plans and about the whole thing about not being alone. P doesn't understand because she is alone all the time. I about flipped out at her because she was supposed to go to the cabin this weekend (I finally told her I just can't go) - and then they decided not to, and then she was supposed to go to something tonight, and she had said she was still going to go because it would be over by 7 and I wouldn't be home by then anyway. But then I mentioned later I had a hair appointment and she asked if I was coming home after, and I said probably - I'll just bring more work home, and she said "oh, well then, since you'll be home, I won't go." I wanted to scream that she needed to go and leave me some time alone. She doesn't understand and she doesn't understand that I do not want to spend the precious time I have out of work with her family or doing things at their cabin, etc. I certainly will help out with whatever, but I am already so not looking forward to her family reunion and scattering of her parents' ashes in a few weeks, and I HAVE to go to that. Her family overwhelms me and she keeps changing plans of where we are staying, etc. and I don't even want to go, but I have to. And all this and I am moving offices in 2 weeks and have so much to pack, etc., aside from just the work I need to do. She doesn't understand that my leaving at 6:30 pm to go to her brother's for dinner is a huge deal when I have so much work, and if I could afford to leave work that early, I would rather be alone.
i know I won't get overwhelmed totally -- I will live and I will not go crazy. But it is overwhelming for me. I am having difficulty and I do not like it. I need to get some control of at least part of all this.
That's ok. I will work on my answer and post when you have the new thread. See you there!