How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Alicia_MSW Your Own Question

Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 629
Experience:  Specializing in mental health counseling
65143460
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Alicia_MSW is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

hi, I am 35 my wife is 36. we have had a turbulent relationship

Resolved Question:

hi, I am 35 my wife is 36. we have had a turbulent relationship for the past 10 yrs. But I guess we love each other very much deep down. We came to malaysia 4 yrs ago and since then I have tried my best to be a model husband and my wife recognized that. Then two yrs ago she visited the USA for three months to stay at her brothers and while there she met some one online and started having an online affair with him. He is just 27 now. I found out about this just two months ago with a keylogger installed on her computer. We have grown especially close over the past 6 months and she really started showing her love for me. When I confronted her I found out details like she really wanted to have sex with him but he refused saying he does not wanna ruin her marriage. I don't even know if they really had sex or not. And they have been cheating on me online for two years. This really hurts. Now my wife says that she loves me very much and will never do something like this again. She says the other guy din't mean anything. The question is....Should I trust her and Move On???????Or should I keep monitoring her online activity?????
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,

I realize how painful and frustrating this situation can be, and that you're dealing with a lot of unanswered questions right now. The hurt of betrayal and the loss of a feeling of trust is something that can be very difficult to re-establish after an affair, whether it's online or in-person - there's little distinction because both of these types of affairs involve cheating, which is an act of emotional (and often physical - although not always) betrayal. The first thing I'd like to say is that it is probably not a good idea to continue to monitor her online activity, as tempting as it can be. Doing this is only going to cause you both more pain and grief, and it's also going to prevent your relationship from healing and moving forward, because you're not allowing her a chance to earn your trust again. That being said, she has to truly want to work on your relationship and earn your trust in order for the healing process to have any chance at success. You have to ask yourself, deep down in your gut, do you feel that she is being honest with you and do you feel that she has truly stopped contact with this man? If the answer to this is no, then you have to ask yourself if you feel like this is a situation you can forgive - or even a situation that you'd want to stay in, and why. It's possible that you can't forgive her right now (you just learned about this two months ago, after all, and that's not really a long time), but that in time, you can begin to trust her again. The other thing I'd be asking myself is regarding her motives. Is she saying that this guy meant nothing to her because you caught her, or because he said he didn't want to ruin your marriage? Or is she saying that out of a genuine feeling of love and wanting to work things out with you? If you feel that she truly loves you and is truly sorry for her actions, then trying to move on and put this behind you is probably the best thing to do, but it's not easy. It takes time, patience and hard work on both of your parts to make this work.

Since you say that your relationship has been turbulent for the past ten years, I would suggest that you think about seeing a couples therapist to discuss not only this issue that's presenting itself now, but the other issues that you've been dealing with on an ongoing basis. It can be helpful to discuss this with a neutral party who can act as a sort of mediator between the two of you, and it can also help open up your lines of communication as well.

Basically, it's a question of forgiveness - whether she truly wants your forgiveness and wants to move on with you, and whether you feel that this is something you can forgive and want to try to work through. It's not always possible, but if you love each other, you can both make your relationship work through re-establishing trust and working on developing a deeper level of intimacy.

I hope that helps, and I wish you the best of luck. Please let me know if you need any additional assistance.
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 629
Experience: Specializing in mental health counseling
Alicia_MSW and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW
Psychotherapist
288 Satisfied Customers
Specializing in mental health counseling