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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5430
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello, how can I help you?

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I don't know what kind of therapist you are, or how familiar you are on the subject of depression in males, but I have recently come out of a relationship with a male who has been diagnosed and treated for severe depression. He was honest with me about it early on in the relationship.
Essentially this is how it went - and it has all left me extremely upset and confused -
he was initially very attracted to me and went out of his way for about a month pursuing me. He was constantly sending me text messages every single day, multiple times a day, expressing how beautiful he thought i was and how much he wanted to get to know me. it bordered on stalking and obsession, in fact i think it was obsession, but my friends just told me it was because i am exceptionally beautiful (which i have been told i am. i am a model and have a very noticeable, flashy look.) i am also very different and out there and wild, which he appreciated and was very attracted to.
long story short, he relentlessly pursued me, and his sweetness/how much he cared/appreciation for me, won me over, and we began a relationship.
things went very very quickly. we both just were head over heels in love. he constantly was talking to me. we didn't go an hour without talking to one another.
that went on for a few months, but then things dramatically started going downhill. i feel stupid now for not catching on, but he started displaying many signs of severe depression. he started getting very edgy with me, and saying some very cruel and nasty things, and then trying to say i was being the mean one, when i honestly did not really do anything at all - when he was really and truly being the cruel one. he would say very odd dramatic things like "you've pushed me away as far as i can go."
he got very nasty and was not contacting me as much. he was locking himself in his room for days and sleeping all day or doing work all day and not talking to anyone. he stopped texting me for days at one point, which was very unusual and got me very worried. however, now i feel i should have caught on that maybe he was having a depression relapse?
the last time i contacted him, we were both angry at one another because i accused him of cheating on me, and he adamantly denied that he did. he was also angry because i "kept asking him if he still liked me. i kept questioning it." But the only reason i kept questioning it was because he was withdrawing. he really was pushing away from me, which hurt. however, i blamed myself instead of realizing he may have been going into another depression episode.
i have read many articles and heard of depressed men withdrawing from their wives/girlfriends when they go into bad downward spirals, and then they blame it all on the wife/girlfriend, and say things like "it's all your fault," "you pushed me away," or "you should be ashamed for pushing me away like this," when really, they are the ones pushing their wives/girlfriends away when the wives/girlfriends have done nothing.
I have also read articles about depressed men finding a woman that they obsess over, because they are at the "tip" of their depression iceberg. They obsess over the woman because they think she can save them from their depressed state. My boyfriend certainly did obsess over me before he even knew me really. He immediately was so interested and was constantly expressing how amazing and beautiful he thought i was.
i have tried to send him messages, but he had been ignoring them all for a month. i sent some angry messages, but then i very honestly told him i loved him and was there for him and wished he would talk to me. i sent tons and tons of those loving messages. he finally responded to it all a few days ago in all caps lock extremely angry telling me to stop and that enough was enough and that i'd been harassing him for a month. he blocked all contact from me. i could not be hurting more. he was the greatest guy to me. though he did border on obsession (or maybe he was obsessed), he showed me constant love and support and appreciation. and now it seems that all of a sudden that is gone, and he blames me for it. i am not perfect, but i certainly did not drive him to become such a monster.
i just don't know what to do now. will he ever come back to me? will he ever realize how oddly and irrationally he behaved, and how mean he was to me?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for the additional information. It helps.

From your description of your boyfriends behavior, it sounds like he not only may have depression but possibly a personality disorder. When someone suddenly changes behavior and treats you badly after pursuing you to the point of obsession, that indicates that there is something going on with their personality. Although some depressed people may have obsessions and cruelty as part of their behavior, those two things are not typically symptoms of depression. It is more likely to be a personality issue or possibly he has Bipolar disorder.

Either way, you may just want to give him some time. If he is depressed or there are other issues going on, backing off will give him time to recover and allow for him to deal with whatever is bothering him. If he is in treatment, he may need his medications adjusted which takes time to work on his symptoms. He also may need to figure out that he was unfair to you and that he needs to make amends. While you are talking to him, he may not see that clearly. But if you are not in his life for a while, he may begin to miss you and realize what he did.

Give him a few weeks and see if he contacts you. If not, try sending him a simple text or message. Say that you are thinking of him and hope he is doing well. There is not much he can say to that except to either acknowledge it or ignore it. Also, try talking with his friends and family to see if you can gauge how he is and any progress he is making on feeling better.

In meanwhile, you may want to talk to someone yourself to help you learn ways to cope in a relationship with someone who has emotional difficulties. To find a therapist, talk to your doctor. Or search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

Also, read articles about coping with people who have personality issues. Here is a link to help you get started:
http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/personality-disorders



I hope this helps you,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you. That makes sense of something that makes absolutely no sense. He certainly went from immediately being obsessed to then being very cruel and saying mean things. When he was obsessed, he would say very strong things about how much he cared about me, and he was constantly checking up on me to see how i was doing, and wanted to be with me every second of every day.
Now of course things could not be more different. I don't have his number anymore because I deleted it when he said mean things to me. He also blocked all contact from me with facebook and email, right after he sent that very mean reply for me to stop. He is currently living with his parents which he did a few months ago because he had to get treatment. I assume and hope he is getting treatment.
The thing is there is just nothing I can do, and right before he told me to stop talking to him and blocked me, I was saying all the right nice things, like I cared about him and loved him and was thinking about him all the time, etc. After he responded in all caps though, I did get a bit angry and say "f**k my life for ever meeting you," right when he blocked me. That was probably not the best idea but i couldn't help it, and hopefully if he cures himself, he will be able to see all my nice messages and realize how nice i was being.
i just don't understand how he could have a relationship with me, and then read all those nice things i sent him, and not reply to them! what is so wrong with him? is that normal of somebody with a personality disorder? to blatantly ignore me when i am sending message upon message telling him how much i love and miss him? i just don't understand. does he not love me anymore? did it ever mean anything to him or was he just obsessed and thinking i could save him from his severe depression?
is it odd that he told me about his issues so early on in the relationship? is it likely that somebody exhibiting this behavior will ever realize what they've done, or even get better at all? is it likely that he will soon realize how cruel he was to me, and how nice i was being in my messages? he blames me for everything and once in his downward spiral even said "i could honestly not care less if you really fell for me, and that is all your fault." He would also say things like "i would want to still be your friend if you weren't making that impossible for me. i hate losing friendships but you're making it impossible to be your friend." You get it - just the whole pattern of blaming me for things, when really he was being the mean one out of nowhere. I suppose it is just bipolar disorder.
Do you think he ever really did care about me, or was he just obsessed? he immediately fell hard for me, should that have been a warning sign? should the stalking and constant messaging have been a warning sign? do you think he will ever become normal and chemically balanced and realize what he did to me? if so, how long does that usually take? will i ever get an apology, or is that highly unlikely?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Someone with a personality disorder will do as you described your boyfriend doing. It has nothing to do with you or anything you are doing. It is about him and his issues. As you read more about personality disorders and see if it fits any of them, you will find that how he acted fits the symptoms.

You do mean something to him. Otherwise he would not have been with you. But right now his issues are getting in the way and he probably can't have a relationship, until he finds a way to deal with how he feels.

He could soon realize what he did. But that depends on whether or not he is getting treatment and how he progresses with that treatment. And his insight into how he treated you also depends on his treatment and how willing he is to see how he has acted. If he can gain insight, then he may apologize and make it up to you. If not, then you may have to work around his issues to have a relationship. I would give this at least a few weeks to see what happens with him. Human behavior can be unpredictable and a lot depends on his motivation and insight. Keep trying to learn more about what might be wrong with him so when he does contact you, you know how to respond.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
You really think his behavior is due to some sort of personality disorder, like bipolar disorder, and not just his severe depression? A few months before I met him, as I mentioned, he had to go live with his parents and be treated for his severe depression, so he was coming out of a very rough time apparently when he met me.
I am just concerned he will never contact me again, because he ignored so many of my loving messages. I don't understand how he could do that to me. I could not have been more loving, and he just ignored all of them. I don't understand. I feel as if he will never contact me ever again, and I don't understand how he could do that to me after all the time we shared together and all the personal information we shared with one another, and all the loving messages I sent him. I still don't understand how he could just ignore me, as if I meant nothing to him.
I am worried he will never contact me again and don't know how I will cope if he is seeing other women. I just can't take it. I am going through horrible times with my family right now and I wish more than anything that I had him to talk to. He would get it. That is a different issue though.
I just don't know what to do. I am worried he will never contact me again because I just simply don't understand how he could go from a loving, obsessed, doting, kind, amazing boyfriend to a cruel, withdrawn person who is blocking contact from me and ignoring all my honest loving messages. Could a personality disorder like bipolar disorder really do that to a person? There was evidence he was going into a depressed state that I didn't pick up on until after the fact, but I still don't understand how he could become a completely different person and ignore me completely right now. How long do you think it will take before he gets better? I know he speaks regularly with a therapist, so is it possible the therapist will be able to pick up on what happened with me?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

His behavior could definitely be caused by whatever disorder he has. It does make it hard on you because it is not easily understood. There is no way you could have foreseen this unless you were a trained therapist. You were just going by what you saw. There is nothing wrong with that.

.

There is no way to know what his therapist will pick up on. Hopefully, he will share his experience. But in the meanwhile, it may help you to talk about how you feel with a therapist. You have a lot of pain from this and need to work out your own feelings.

.

I hope this has answered your questions. It was good talking with you.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
is it likely that somebody with a disorder (like what his appears to be) will ever realize how they treated somebody in a situation like this? Even though he has gone a month ignoring all my loving, supporting messages, and blocked all contact from me? Does it seem likely he will ever even speak to me again?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It is hard to say what he might think. But if he does get better, he may realize what happened. He may also speak with you again, depending on how his treatment goes.

 

It was nice talking with you. I hope everything works out.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5430
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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