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Okay then...I am back:Customer Is that who you really are, just a mom and a nurse? You seem so much more. lol
No I didn't know about that book. Maybe that is a good thing. How much literary skill could it take to write that sort of stuff? You read this stuff?
Kate is allowed to talk in church; Jesus doesn't mind at all. And approval from the Catholic church. Wow, now that is either really nice, or really scary. I am not sure which. But see, even the priest liked her. She is a sweetie, and should be there just to show that life goes on...heck, even the Lion King shows that.
You did an excellent thing with how you handled the home and valuables of grandma. You didn't ask to have anything and you offered help only. That is not only a good thing psychologically but wonderfully a class act. Good for you.
Funerals are strange in the who sits in what car and who has what rights to go where department. You did the best you could. And, it is fine if you didn't ride with the others. They saw you easily gave up your seat and you took your stuff and went elsewhere. That is a good thing for you and how you are seen. It doesn't make you look, in any way, like how your mother may describe you, or think of you.
If she did not talk to you, be grateful. That is what probably should have been for a long time now. At least it semi-minimizes conflict with her. And, I like that you stood up for yourself and brought Kate to the whole thing. That shows that you make your own choices as an adult and not mom pr your brother or anyone. So what if they think you should have don this or that with Kate. This is your grandmother too and Kate is in a way a part of her history. And, it is not like she was being a menace. She was acting as she should have, a two year old. And, many of these other family members were acting as two year olds as well. Talk about seeing developmental stagnation. Wow, grow up people.
Oh..getting girl vibes in utero? Hmmm. That is new. But I will say that I still think it is a boy based on your illness and how you tolerated the pregnancy. Of course I have a 50/50 shot of being right so the odds aren't too bad.
Memory gets odd in pregnancy. And, more so with a boy...so I am laying that out for you as well. (Watch it be a girl.) The best part of all this is that at least you are through the funeral. Now, let's get you through the estate issues with Gma.
Do you have a credit union at your hospital? See what their rates are. PNC is notorious for processing fees. I know; they used to be my bank. You certainly can get down to 3-4% now but watch those closing costs and fees! Steven
I am sure the book gives some seriously different reactions to various people. From where I am I feel that most women would not finis the thing unless they feel really rejected or have abusive pasts. Many who do read that kind of thing and it appeals to the unresolved issues that remain. I know my wife did not read it. She is a very predictable person with her reading choices and that definitely is not it.
It was a nice thing that you said to Arlene. She clearly is still living in the shame of that teen pregnancy and it is obvious that a lot of people have given her a hard time about her mistake over the years. You are right; that event was a lifetime ago and she needs to forgive herself and move on. It was great that she heard this from you. She needed it; I can say that with confidence.
At Kate's age she should be exposed to God. (If you want to of course; but she is at an ideal age to gain a deeper understanding.) There are lots of really wonderful books for her age. If you want I can recommend a few...or not. And, I know what you mean about the spooky priest thing. Some of them I feel neutral, others: creepy. I guess that is true of many people, but I do get the vibe you are talking about.
AFP tests are like dollar store watches. They suck. Really. Bee there too many times. And, the waiver is standard. It is impossible to get past that legal mess these days Every doctor wants to cover their butts, but you know this. I can say that if they are saying you could avoid the other tests that it is highly unlikely that you need them. Of course Kate stole the show. She is a beautiful baby and nothing goes over in a gyn's office than beautiful babies. It is good for business. So, what issues were you in? Can I get back copies?
I do feel very strongly that avoiding your mother for a while is a good thing. She has so many issues around you that she is pain machine. She has no insight and all you do is get hurt. Not being around her is probably a very good thing and I wouldn't even bother to connect with her, not even for the bad of it, through your father. Sometimes ignoring all of her hurtful behavior via avoidance is a good temporary solution.
I don't think most women feel bonded to their babies in the way that you did with Kate. I see a number of pregnant women in practice and they do not feel close to their baby. And, it is so unreal. Aside from a larger stomach and some nausea what do you have? Have you had a quickening yet? Do you feel the baby? Even if you do that means nothing. I would not go on the basis of how you feel now as to what you will feel once you see the baby. And, comparing the past. No pregnancy is the same. You have enough guilt already. Please do not guilt yourself even more on this issue. There is no need and it serves no purpose.
Oh, fleet mortgage. We had them once, too. The guy who sold us the mortgage made em laugh by saying they sell mortgages and enemas. Great combination. But I have heard BOA is like nothing else. I have heard it say they are like a shark or lion, prowling for victims. Wow. But PNC isn't too far away in my thoughts. Now that is me and my experience should not make you hesitate. I just had really awful experiences with them. And I agree. If you are that enslaved to BOA, get out; even if it is with anyone else. The rate change will be payment enough too! It will be significant if you are dropping 2% points.
Loved the vagina story with Kate. You are such a nurse.She doesn't know the names of her individual fingers does she? I will worry if you say yes. lol
hi steven. rob and i are going to be having a couple of weird days now. he went to work today late - so i saw kate this am... but he has to then work thru the night til tomorrow am. so they just left at 945am. i got kate ready and she was being particulary sweet. she took my stethescope and said mommys scope. to listen to the heart. and i let her listen to her heart and kate said good. she dragged it all over the house and cried when i went to take it away from her. i got her dressed and told her she was going to grandmas and she said no sad. i think she was referencing to the fact i told her that my mother was sad about great g ma. either way i got her dressed and she looked so cute and she was hugging me. and i started to cry. steven i feel like i cant keep sending her away anymore. it hurts me so much. ive already talked to peter and i feel like all of this is going nowhere. i told him ive been doing this difficult schedule for a year and its like on deaf ears. i told him kate undertands now and it hurts her too. i dotn know what else to say to them to impress upon them that this is not right for us. i feel stuck.
of course kat estarted to get upset and said daddy mommys crying. and daddy came and held me and he said i know sweetie. well have her back tommorrow. and i have been with her for a week now. which is more than usual of course. now itll be like we get her back for fri evenin g sat and then shell be gone for 3 days again. i dotn even know when my mom is coming back or what, im just going to ask my mil to watch kate. for the 3 days and thats it.
as far being bonded with kate. i did feel like kate was my jellybean. we called her jellybean as i felt weird naming a fetus. rob made a wallpaper for our desktop that had like a movie tocket with a jellybean and it said coming soon april 1 2010. like those vague movie things that were so en vogue.
and this baby .. i didnt really think up a name or a nickname... i was calling it little one... and rob didnt make the wallpaper. i did feel some little flips a while ago.. but i havent since. the dr asked me if i feel the baby and i told him i dont really yet. i would like to feel the baby or soemthing to make me feel like ok... youre there. im here. rob used to rub my belly every night and we used to say goodnight jellybean.
i know were busier. but... does that mean we wont be like hey we love you? i mean what if i dont feel the same way about this baby? or i dont like this one? i mean dont tell me it doesnt happen. im the child not liked. and my mother seems well determined to tell me.
amanda - mike and kellee s kid whos 20 just told me at the funeral how she heard i was very difficult. i said what? i mean wtf is that? did i get arrested? did i run away? did i do drugs? get knocked up? live on the street? so kellee said ha. her brother stephen was a whiny little bitch. he never stopped crying and always wanted to be held. so amanda said really? i said well hes still whiny little bitch. i mean hell rat you right out. julie mike and lorraine were out til 3am sat night and the wake was the next day. i said just do yourselves a favor and dont broadcast it. im not saying anything to anyone. steven i have so many things i have to take to the grave im going to need a bigger coffin.
kate and god. i wouldnt mind the books you could recommend. i just thought it surprising she was pointing at the cross saying god. i never heard her say god. ever. and to be in the middle of this mess and her saying god god over and over.. well it was another shock really.
the book. i think its more of a culture thing now. like everyones talking about it - its abestseller and it gives women a reason or a forum to tlak about sex and be 'bad' whether they are inot the book or not. it may that some of these older ladies dont know about kinky things and it shocks them.. and it may be just a way for women to just talk. i actually i had thought sof reading it. but dont know when ill find the time. i havent read anything in a loooong time. so.. i wouldnt be shocked if i dotn read it.
i do like it for comic relief though.
arlene. her daughters 53 for chrissakes. and i think yeah im sure soem people did feel like she should be shamed or tsked at her. but i think people prob got over it and forgot it with ehr marriage long ago. i think she still punished herself. and i think g ma def didnt let it go.
i wasnt in playboy steven. would you really want the issue? lol. i dont even have the issues. the photgraphers came t school and picked out a hwole bunch of kids and posed on the playground. i do rememebr vaguely doing it, but it wasnt explained to us. i didnt know nor mentioned it to my parents. yeah. f**ked up right? cuz 1. my parent snever gave permission or were notified. and 2. i was never compensated. it wass put up in our school and my parents really didnt come to it. well they walked me. and then i went in. anyway they saw it when they were going to vote one year. and there i am. on the center of the junglke gym. the metal one that looks like boxes.. and im sitting with my legs side saddle (they placed me on i didnt climb) and crossed at the ankles. my hair was in pigtails and i was wearing blue pants and a matching blue blouse. very 80;s. i dotn k now how many people know that sesame street takes place. in nyc baby. ive mentioned that to people and theyre like it does? im like do you see the kids roller skating? its nyc parks they shot that. at schoolyards.
anyway its sesame street parents july of 1982 or 1983. i dont remember. ive never gotten a personal copy. i know what it looks like though.
so even if kate asks to call pop pop i shouldnt call him? she asks most everyday. she brings me the phone and says we call pop pop? and hands me the phone. i tell her pop pop is at work... and she says we call? i know he likesit b/c he says it all the time how much he loves it.
kate knows her thumb. but i dont think she knows other fingers. unless soemone taught her and i didnt know. it takes 3 tries for me to get her to say vagina still as first shells say thats my heinie. then ill say no.. then shell say butt. then i say no... and she says 'agina!' and im like right a vagina. and she gives me a big smile. i feel like one of the mothers doesnt like vagina and tells her butt. im not confronting them on it. but i hope one day she starts yelling grandma grandma - vagaina. see if she did that to me id find it hilarious and be like.. yes it is sweetie. and thats it. no worries.
It is not easy to live as you do, with a work schedule that sucks your time, energy and resources as well as limits time with your family. That cannot be easy and Peter not hearing you about your family life is basically a cold managerial choice on his part. I really doubt he wishes at all to hear this as he is worried about staffing a slot, not seeing you as a family person who wants to be home.
Is there another option for you; to leave here? Your worry about the licensure issue is past. You're in the clear. And, there has to be other choices around. I do get why you would stay, but the time you spend on this job is affecting your view of your parenting and you hate it as well. Plus, with a baby coming this may be the time to start looking more seriously.
Little one is better than the name fetus, which sounds cold and removed and so clinical. How could you get close emotionally to a fetus? You couldn't. So, why not name the baby? Just a thought. And, it isn't silly. This is as close as you and this child will ever become, totally dependent on you for existence. Having and doing things to make or allow you to feel close is fine.
Wow, your family sounds so supportive of you...how nice you are known to be difficult when you know so much about others. It is quite unfair I can say that. But, sometimes not saying anything as you have has the greatest merit of all. It is hard to keep quiet, but what would saying anything do except cause trouble?
I will look into the book names for you. I have them in the home library.
Arlene certainly did punish herself. And, she was helped by grandma who would not let it go. I have seen that shame based action many times. It is sad and tragic all at the same time.
Really, no sesame street back issues? Dang! I really wanted to see you on the cover; then I could say that I know someone famous, because I don't know any one with much notoriety, even a magazine cover. Hey, I did know that SS was shot in NY and modeled after such. But until I thought about it I guess I never realized that "real" children were ever used as magazine shots. Today, not telling a parent of such a thing would bring on a lawsuit of mega proportions. Could you imagine the privacy issues today? But, I will look it up. I have resources.
Pop Pop is different than mom. Are you obligated to talk with both? Who answers the phone? Yes, that sounds a bit on the odd side, but you are the one in pain here. It isn't your fault you have been reduced to avoidance.
Yeah, some adults have this weird phobia about clinical names for body parts. I imagine that one of your female relatives went into shock over Kate's vocabulary and decided to help dumb down the content. But it is funny as heck. Steven
NO ones going to hire me 5 months preg i imagine. and ill have to pay these clown 5k to get out of there. i signed a contract. i really didnt want to sign that contract. im only 13 months in and i feel like yeah i could move on.
naming a fetus ... i dotn know i always felt weird about naming a baby not born yet. i guess its like superstition? little one is good.
i shouldve kept quiet. i was shocked that amanda said this as shes like i dont know 14 yrs younger than me? she is technically in kates generation as its my cousins kids. why would anyone talk about me? i was so out there? i dont think i did anything of major magnitude. she doesnt talk to my mom alot. maybe it was when she moved in with g-ma? i dont know who couldve told ehr all that. mike i dont think ever noticed me as he was alot older than me and grew up in another state. and kellee seemed shocked as she seemed to think my bro was the problem.
not that any of it was her business.
it is very true my mom doesnt tell em anything about any of the fmailys goings ons. and i am def not included. it took me awhile to realize that. im glad i told the aunts so they know.
my aunt jeanne asked me what was wrong with my mom. i said what do you mean? sh e said she just seems strange since shes been sick. and magnified in personality. i said yeah i think she has some anoxic brain injury. from when she was in the coma. they let her go a long time with low oxygen. after she woke up they did a head ct and said it was normal. but i dont think it means we could tell all injury that spossible.
you go right ahead and look it up. id be happy if soemone found them. id be willing to buy it. ijust looked as i hadnt looked ina long time and just checked soem websites. no sesame street parents magazines.
i dont think its that big a deal to be on the cover. i was 5 or 6.
yeah sesame street was us. urban kids. in the playground. playing. roller skating. basketball. singing we all sing the same song in the same voice and we sing in harmony. what a great song. its about diversity. 2 and half minutes and it shows the kids all playing. they should play that in the subway. even one kid had 2 daddies. i think it meant her parents got divorced...and she had a stepdad. i dotn think they were tlaking ab out gay dads back in 1982.
well ic all pop pop on his cell phone while hes at work. g ma doesnt answer it. so thats always good.
i was going to teach kate the word pussy to let everyone turn green.... but... well i figured i dont want her to get hit or yelled at or punished. what can anyone say to vagina? i dont think my dad would say anything to the butt or vagina or any word i could see him trying to go to his happy place and completely ignoring the whole thing. i hate when women. grown women say va ja jay. i try not to make a face or anything but oprah starting that crap is really annoying. really. youre one of the richest women in the world. and if an ob gyn says it well i hit the roof. ive told off a couple of them.
even though wendy and jen will be at work tonight... well i feel like not going. i feel anxious and nauseated. i havent felt too nauseated lately so that kinda sucks. i also feel tearful since this am and kate was leaving. i tried to sleep some thinking it owuld help but i havent been able to sleep. its good knowing that the girls will be there b/c its soemone i could ask for help with soemthing. or if one of us could get out for soda. ugh i hope its ok tonight.
oh and i found out from the mole clerk that my old manager has been out sick. he said he heard from reliable sources she has a bad heart. i said yeah everyone in management does. but i just said it off the cuff. he said no seriously. but this girls like not even 30. or maybe she is now 30. i didnt have much sympathy. i know thats wrong, but i cant muster up much for her.
Wanted to give you book stuff for Kate before I forgot. The first book is really good as it deals with what you sometimes say...how can I explain stuff I do not even get... This book makes it easy, and is a great read, and it is cheap on amazon.com.
The second is a simple bible story book. Both are inexpensive.
Talking To Your Children About God by Richard Osborne
and The Beginner's Bible: Timeless Children's Stories, Kelly Pulley
Believe me: I have hired pregnant women. Places will do so if you interview well. Even so, I get what you mean about not wanting to do so or seeing it as futile. But after the baby is born, the 5k loss might be worth it...and do they really collect on this? Is this even legal?
Well, agreed. Little one sounds a better than "the fetus". Besides, that is how all children were named in the past. Our names were real words; yours actually was "Pledged to God". And, like an American Indian that would have been your name, said just like that. So "little one" is great.
Hard to know what all was going on in that rumor mill of a family, Crazy that she would know this stuff, or care enough to tell you. And, what would they really say about you? There isn't that much going on with you that is scandal. And, if they think it is: That is their choice, a really pathetic one. BTW: your mom does show some marked traits of having a brain injury. That emotional one sidedness and aggression toward you. Pretty typical from what I have seen.
I am going to try to find you in the Sesame Street Archives. I will let you know.
Ah, yeah...the not so clinical names for vagina; not a good idea for Kate. That would be nasty, I agree. And I am also with you. I hate the Va Ja Jay nonsense. Oprah, not a fan at all. And, it is degrading and crass, that word, I think...even more than some others. As a matter of fact, I would rather hear the C or P word than that.
I can get why work seems like a mill stone around your neck. It is so stressful and you do not feel well emotionally and you are tired. I do see that. I am sorry. Being pregnant and working such a demanding job is not good.
Feeling such Sadness. That does makes sense. On your best days you are beat and tired and overwhelmed. This job is nuts and demanding and unsupportive. They do not even care that you do not see your kids due to the night shift. And, your past trauma about your license will come back on you sometimes. That is not you.
It is normal, and chasing it, which is what it is called when you want to find out what happened with the other nurse, that is common. But, if you can: Try not to do so. It doesn't really help and that is not the real issue. Truly, you and anyone would be insecure from all that has happened to you, and that insecurity comes up, especially on bad days. It is normal to feel so, and the best thing is to know that it is common and not to give it too much attention. This may be an effort, but it is for the best. You are not in any more danger than you were yesterday or the day before and you are a good nurse. One day, one hour at a time Liz. Steven