I suppose given it is all so fresh, this is the hardest time for me. It was awful enough for me to accept that I was violated by one guy but two? This is very difficult for me to face. Plus the memory of the masks they wore. Plus i remember the second guy wearing a skull and crossbones necklace. While he was assaulting me, for some reason, I focused on it swinging back and forth. Every time I close my eyes, I can see it and it is very upsetting.
And the laughter aimed toward me was terrible. Calling me nothing. I'm not nothing right? I think I count. They were young. When they spoke either to me or to each other, their words were filled with obsenities. The whole situation is so sad. Sometimes that is all feel, enveloped in it and I can't find my way out. I wish I hadn't remembered this part. Even though, as my therapist says, it was the same assault you are just remembering more. It feels like a whole different assault and situation.
I remembering being excited to face another day. Now I just want the day to end, To me, this is wasting my time, my life. I wish I could get better faster. I am just so darn slow getting these feelings out.