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Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
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Why does my husband steal money and small objects from me?

Customer Question

Why does my husband steal money and small objects from me? Why does he lie about random things?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Rao replied 2 years ago.

Doctor Rao : The causes can be numerous.
Doctor Rao : However, if w efollowing a step wise process, may be able to look at the possible reasons.
Doctor Rao : We can start looking from common reasons like, he might needed money, not trusting personality. If the money is small amounts and small objects with out significance( no financial benefit), the possibility of Kleptomania might need to be considered. Kleptomania can co occur in Depression,,OCD or other impulse related problems. However, if the money high amounts and objects very valuable and he was stealing with an intention to make money, the it is unlikely the above diagnoses can play a role.
Doctor Rao : Both of you might want to consider marriage and family therapist(MFT) intervention. It might be helpful to resolve if any underlying causes for these difficulties present.
Doctor Rao : If you suspect any depressive symtoms,please ask him to keep a mood diary (mood ranges between a scale of 0 to 10 and also briefly documented notes reflecting his mood)
Doctor Rao : Please do not hesitate to ask me for more information,if required. I wish you all the best. If you find the answer helpful,please Accept.
Customer:

Why does my husband steal money and small objects from me? Why does he lie about random things?

We have been together for 2 yrs and married for 10 months of it. Over the course of your relationship I have caught him in multiple lies. He lies over little things like if he dropped off something for me and big things like his sexual past. He will make up great big stories to go along with the lies. It took me about six months to start to figure out that he was lying so much. I thought it would get better but I still catch him in the most random lies. I have also caught him stealing items from me. He took a CD out of my car that I had since I was a teenager.... it was my first CD I ever owned ( I am 31 now). He stole my x-husbands ipod that fell out of his pocket. He took my cell phone and lied for months about it. Finally when I told him my cell company was charging me $400 for it he came over and said he was going to help me look for it. Well he "found" it under my couch, which I had looked multiple times under. He stole a hand gun from me that he gave me for Christmas and denied it for months. He gave me a titanium pin that he had in his leg form when he broke it.... I put it on my key chain on a key ring and I just found it in his pants pocket. He said it just "fell off" in his pocked. But the key ring is still attached to my keys. Now that we are married he will take cash out of my pocket and say he didnt do it. He is wealthy and does not need the money.

He will swear and yell at me and then be really nice. He will be very distant and then all over me. He is an average looking man that is short.... I am an attractive woman and he worries I married him for his money. He has spit sun flower seeds in my face. He has locked me in his house when we fight and I try to leave. Since we have been married he screams insults at me saying my clothes are too tight and has even called me a whore due to my past sexual experiences. I have been with 5 people and he has been with over 15.

I dont know what to do. I love him and he can be so nice and fun but then he does these crazy things. He has also paid a lot of my debts from my prior marriage. When I told him I wanted a divorce he accuses me of using him just for that and then dumping him..... any suggestions??

Doctor Rao : One obviously helpful suggestion Is seeing a MFT (marriage and family therapist)??
Doctor Rao : If there are depressive symptoms by treating them his beahviour might change
Doctor Rao : I hope this helps..s
Customer:

So I basically paid $45 to be told to see a therapist? Just thought you would give me more insight then that....

Doctor Rao, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 641
Experience: MBBS,MD,DPM,MRCPsych
Doctor Rao and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Bill replied 2 years ago.
Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

I wanted to offer a different opinion regarding this behavior exhibited by your husband.

People who lie and are deceptive, often have a underlying character disorder vs an anxiety or OCD related problem.
This becomes a pattern of behavior that may have have preceded your marriage. Typically, the person is able to cover their behavior because they have developed a savvy way of lying and deceiving.

I want you to take the follow self scoring quiz that will help define the type of Character issues your husband may have developed over his life.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

Take the above quiz as if you were answering for your husband and you will get a result.

Reply to me with what you come up with and I will respond.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best, Bill
Bill, LCSW, Consultant, Expert Witness
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: 35 years treating individuals, couples, families with mental health and substance abuse prob's
Bill and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Bill! Thank you for responding to my question. I definitely feel you are are the right track with your answer. I got on and took the quiz you suggested. Here are the areas that my husband scored "very high" in: Paranoid, Borderline, Narcissistic and Dependent. He did see a local therapist about a year ago for his constant lying. He only went to him about seven or eight times. He was not diagnosed with anything but he did tell him that he was a compulsive liar. Since he has become aware of this he has made some improvement in that area. But I also feel that he did this for some form of "acceptance". I do feel that he is very Narcissistic and paranoid and Borderline. One of the questions on the quiz asks if he has ever faked an illness to get attention. I have seen him do this on a couple occasions. We were fighting one time when we were dating and I wanted him to leave and go to his own house. So he said he had a cold and drank some medicine. Well the next thing I knew he was too messed up to drive. He ended up staying at my house. I knew he was faking and it was crazy to watch a grown man behave that way. I feel like I have got myself into a mess with this guy. I have three kids from a prior marriage and he takes good care of them financially. Their real dad doesn't. He has bought us a very big and nice house and cars. I feel like Im so wrapped up in this it is hard to undo. Especially in as small of town that we live in. But Im so sick of all the drama and lying. It is hard to respect someone that acts like that. Can these personality disorders be fixed? I am the most concerned about the narcissistic one. Again, thank you for your answer.... I feel like you actually know what you are saying and understand what I am going through :)
On a side note: I dont want the other guy who answered to get paid for it.... did I already mess that up by hitting accept? I thought that would just close out his answer. I hope not because your answer has been so much better for me
Expert:  Bill replied 2 years ago.
Hello- Thanks for the response and the additional detail.

Having studies Narcissistic Personality Disorder for more than 25 years- I was quite certain that this was your husbands personality type - however- in this type of forum- I don't like to define people specifically when there are instruments such as you used to get a better picture and then zero in on the behavior yourself.

As you become your own "Expert" on NPD- you will find that this is a common personality disorder that has a 75% higher prevalence in men than in women.

Unfortunately, this is a personality disorder that is almost impossible to treat because of the firmly entrenched core personality defects that are typically based in early childhood and are often the result of an unresolved conflict with a maternal figure- Emotional development is arrested at this early child level and that is why many of their acting out behaviors mirror that of a child in the 6-8 year range.
They have a very fragile ego structure that inhibits them from seeing the "little boy inside" and make grandiose efforts to mask their inferiority by being extremely self focused and seeking the adoration of others. This is referred to as Narcissistic Supply and they need constant reinforcement or they will usually respond in a child like, angry, blaming or denying.

I want to help you learn more about this so you know what you are dealing with. The following links provide an abundance of information for you to review and understand the personality type and how to deal with him.

http://www.narcissism101.com/

http://samvak.tripod.com/

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Married_to_a_Narcissist_and_Waiting_for_Good_Times_to_Return.html


I trust this information will help you understand the complex personality of the Narcissist.

I trust this has served to answer your question but feel free to follow up if you have additional comments or questions.

Best regards,

Bill

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