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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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For Kate please........

Customer Question

For Kate please........
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Till tomorrow!

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I'm with you at last. By the way, fruit toast is bread with dried fruit, sultanas, raisins, cranberries.... the bit I have just consumed (hence reminded me) also has orange in it.... mmmm, beautiful lightly toasted with lots of BUTTER!!!

I've had a crashed out day today, lousey nights, too much stress, down down down. Have tried to sleep this afternoon but kept having waves of something grip me, ?panic ?anxiety ? don't know what, body tensing up and arms flicking about. Anyway, I'm up now, but don't feel any better.

I've had a bash at downloading some graphics card things for the laptop to see if I can speed up Second Life, K and I met for a short time last night, but it was so so laggy we gave up (on my net book)

I'll have a look in a mo. Hope you are OK. It's raining today, suitable for my head state.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

So the fruit is in the toast or on top of it (though that would get kind of messy!)? Whichever way, it sounds so good. Nothing like that here :(

Sounds like you might be feeling the stress of the past few days. You really went through it with Dave. Having to defend yourself like that takes a lot of energy. What do you feel is going on? What kind of thoughts are you having about what is going on?

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

you are funny, baked within the loaf!! :)

I think my thoughts are exhausted, one minute they feel hopeful and pleased at the progress made, and then they think that there will be no change in my situation. But the positive side is happy that I will be free of him as a wife, and I'm sure it will let me spread my wings a bit and allow me to do what I like without the anxiety of his control, bc he feels he can as my husband.

He was soso desperate to stay here, when we were talking yesterday. I don't know what I can do about that, unless something 'occurs', then I can justify it. So what if nothing changes? He will be here, how do I live with him? Do I cook him meals? Do his washing? He will still sit around watching tv, put his music on loud.

I need to slow down, take it a bit at a time. Do the legal stuff first, and find out from Mark how it can work. It's not how I'd hoped, envisaged, but it was so good to be able to stop the anger and upset yesterday, placate him.

I feel trapped again, but I can work on it

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Ok, that was a goofy question, I know. But now you've made me curious (and hungry!) so I have to look it up.

I think your confidence is wonderful, Rose! I have no doubt you will work it through. But this is one of the parts that makes you feel doubt because there is really no blueprint to say "this is the next step". With going to get the divorce, you knew exactly what to do. There were steps and goals to reach. But now that Dave knows you want the divorce and you are just waiting for it to happen, things get more cloudy.

One thing you can do is to begin to think about what boundaries you want with Dave still in the home. What do you find acceptable? How do you see your role? Make a list of all the things you do in a day and see where you want the lines drawn. For example, when you do laundry, do you feel it is your role to do Dave's as well? If not, then tell him. He can set up a hamper in his room and work around your laundry days. Given Dave's past behavior and trouble with boundaries, you can expect problems with this situation. So plan for them ahead of time. If Dave leaves his wet laundry in the washing machine, what do you plan to do with it? Whatever you come up write it down. Then once you know what your boundaries and tolerance levels are, you can have a clear cut guideline for each scenario.

You may or may not want to share these expectations with Dave. If you do, he will assume he can stay on forever because you made arrangements . If you don't, it's possible he will try to cause problems with the boundaries you set up. But it also may serve to cause enough trouble for him that he thinks about moving out. Highly unlikely, but it's worth the try.

If Dave chooses to play the TV loud that is a tough situation. Again, given his past behavior, he is most likely going to cause a lot of trouble just because he can. He will probably not give up the limelight due to the divorce or suddenly develop boundaries. In that case, you may want to talk with your attorney about your options. I'm not sure where his living there and abusing all of you draws a line legally. But it would help to know so you don't have to try to figure it out yourself.

You may also want to think about what behaviors you will find unacceptable and worthy of calling the police about. Dave most likely will not stay calm and respectful of your new life. So acting out is almost a given. Having a line that he can't cross helps you know when to call for help. And it helps you stay more calm emotionally because you will be watching for his behavior and not responding to it but instead seeing when he does cross the line.

It would be much easier on you if Dave would just go, but I can imagine that it won't be that clear cut. But as long as you know where you stand, it will be easier on you.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate

You are sound. It just feels like a continuation of the current headache, but I will deal. Boundaries will be really good. He hasn't done a single clothes wash since I have been married to him, but by Jove, he can learn!!

I'm just looking at all the household bills and working out a fair 'rent', which I will get started asap. If he can't afford it from his earnings he'll have to use HIS savings. I've decided, and I hope he agrees, that the joint savings, that cannot be withdrawn unless we both sign, will be for the children's needs.

I'll open a new thread for tomorrow while you're around in case I miss you later.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're good, Rose. I could not agree more. You are making some great choices that will help you cope better with him. You will have your hands full but I have no doubt that you will be ready for it.

 

I'll look for the new thread. I'm not sure that new rule is still standing. That may have changed, just so you know. Your best bet is to ask the moderators to be sure.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I can't lighten up, I know it won't be possible. Just knowing he's in the house, in his room when I'm up, or upstairs when I am down, it just feels so heavy, his being there, all around. I keep thinking of a session with Adele, where we talked about him being at home, with me scrunched up, in a ball in my room, I remember Adele walking around the room imagining me in my home, looking over her shoulder all the time, at a figure she had placed on a chair to represent him, always watching my back, never relaxing. Then an image of him not in the home, and me spreading myself, stretching, relaxing, no more looking over my shoulder. She made me smile, bc that is where I wanted to be. I don't know if I can get there now.

Goodnight Kate, thank you, XXXXX XXXXX You have brought me a very long way

Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome, Rose. I feel privileged to be here and to support you through this time in your life.

 

Adele sounds really good at what she does. I like her illustration to you. And it is so true. The only real freedom is to have him out of the home. But one thing at a time.You are dealing with a lot right now.

 

Good night Rose. Sleep well!

 

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
5559 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.