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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer Question

Hi Kate...............
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you Rose. Sorry about that. Here is your last post and my response:

Hi Kate

Thank you. I am an exhausted wreck, but have made some progress. He came to my room this morning once he was up and wanted to talk. He said he could write a poem like mine, he's in a dark and suicidal place. I said you didn't even read my poem, you didn't understand my poem, (Oh, that's right, put me down, tell me you're cleverer than me) he said no it's a jumble of words,I said poems are not superficial, they have deep meaning, you have to think around the words. I got angry, shouted, felt a right to swear at him, I didn't care, just wanted to be heard, in volume and content.

I told him that I wanted a divorce, that I couldn't live with him any more, couldn't love him, wanted more, freedom from his controlling ways. He said I can't go, I said well, I go then. No you can't go don't be stupid. Where, how, why? I said well I live here for 4 years til Poppy is 18, then you can have it for 4 years. What if she hasn't left home? Well she can live here too. Then what? Where would you go? He said he couldn't do the divorce, couldn't leave here, this is where he wants to live, it's stupid paying a landlord to rent when he can live here rent free. I said I'll pay half your rent. No no. I want to live here. I said I'll go then, I can't live with you anymore. He said 20 years, and now we're here, worked all that time to get to this point, if this is taken from him then his life is over.


He said everything I have is here, I have more stuff here than you! Absolutely, I am squashed into a little room, what is mine is in this room, he is everywhere else. He has taken over. He said who will sort out the garden and field? I said I will with help, it's not as if he does anything much, cuts the grass occasionally. I have managed the field myself for the last 2 yars, stream clearing, brambling, grass, fencing, he's done zero. He said no-one else could cut the grass, it needs my knowledge to get the mower to work. I said he had ignored my requests for getting things done at home, always met with not if you ask, in my own time, it'll get done when I want to do it. I said he even continued to do things against my wishes bc he thought they were good ideas, but they have turned out to be mistakes, or costly. He said that will change, I will get this place sorted. Why hasn't it been done in the last 6 years?

He said we need to work together to make this an amazing place, I will listen to you, I'll do things you ask me to do, I just want to stay here, I want to help you to heal, you need to heal, then you will feel better, and we can be hapy again. I said no no no no no please, listen, I need space, freedom, from you, I want a life, you have had 2 chances, this is my one time marriage and it is doing me no good, it's harming me. He said you've been in pain, you've had surgery, that causes pain, that's tangible. Yes, but the rest of my physical problems are emotionally related, I have had 5 professionals tell me so, why should he be so right. I told him that's what my poem was about, how my emotions and feelings have affected me physically. But you just shut it out, didn't understand, believe.

He said what happens with the divorce? I said it goes to be registered in court in 10 days. Doesn't he want to get a solicitor? No, too expensive. I said he could get legal aid. No, didn't want to. He said how could he contest it? I said he could tell them I was lying, but it would have to be proved, and it would cost him to contest it, and he shouldn't do anything without legal advice. I said I can withdraw it at any time until the decree absolute, but I wouldn't be doing that.


I told him how he had treated me over many years, that it wasn't just the last 2/3 years, that his drinking issues go back many years, recounted the time where he took the kids from me and made me write a letter of apology. He said he didn't remember that at all. Of course not. He said he is sorry, ashamed, he will stop drinking, behave, that the letter from my solicitor weeks ago was a shock, but he has changed. I said you haven't changed, not possible for him to change enough, too much damage has been done, he has chipped away at me for years and years, without me even knowing it, to the point that I could barely function. He said why didn't I tell him? I said I was in denial, I didn't know, I didn't want to make him feel bad, I just wanted him to be happy, keep him happy was the best thing for me to do, the easiest way to cope, easier for me that he was out a lot, not here, I said I don't want that to change, I don't want you to stay home, better when you're not here. I went up stairs, he came too. I was crying, wanted to get away from him. He said he was sorry. I said it doesn't change anything. I said whatever you feel I am not stopping the divorce process. He said OK, he accepts that, but could I let him stay here, him in his room, living his life, and I live mine. I agreed for that moment in time so that the conversation could close, and there would be no more anger and abuse today.

He said I'll go and get your netbook now.

Poppy went to visit Mark's children last night. She told them that D and I were getting a divorce. They were really surprised, said so are our parent's getting separated! Poppy was really pleased, it made things seem so much better to her.

My parents called me up a couple of hours ago, Dad had received an email from K last night, but had only opened it this morning. K told them of my situation, which is fine, so I had to tell them what had passed last night and this morning. They were very upset with D, and very sorry. I have told them that the very next time 'something happens' I will get wheels in motion for an order against him, if that is the only way to have him leave. They have seen me upset today more than ever before, and gave me a sort of hug before I went home.

I feel I have won a battle, but lost the land. Back later

Rose



Rose,

.

Wow, that is a lot! I cannot imagine how you feel right now.
Dave really came at you with a lot. It sounds like he is scared now, finding no
way into bullying you (the netbook was an attempt, I imagine) into giving him
his way. Now he is pleading his case, appealing to your sympathy and kind
heartedness to see if you will take pity and feel sorry for him.

 

It is interesting that he says that he doesn't want to pay a landlord when he can live in your home for free. That is a very telling statement. It says that he most likely sees you as his meal ticket. By saying that, he is probably saying that doesn't want to have to be responsible for himself, but he wants you to do it for him.

 

From what you said, you have been more than fair to him. You
have compromised about the living arrangements and made offers to try to make
it fair to him. But it sounds like the issues here is that he wants to be
dependent on you for everything. And he may be desperate to do so. He is makinga lot of promises that he probably won't keep, based on his past behavior.


Plus, he seems to still be blaming everything you feel on your physical
condition, meaning that he probably has no intension of seeing what you feel as
caused by him and his behaviors. And if he will not accept that this situation
was caused by how he treats you, then it most likely will not get better if you
let him stay.

Are you considering letting him stay in the home with you? I
know you said that you told him that in order to get him to leave you alone,
but I wasn't sure about what you really thought.

It sounds like your parents are solidly behind you with the
situation with Dave. And the support that Poppy got from Mark's kids is
wonderful. Although no one wants to go through a divorce, it is a very good
thing when you can get the support you need from others who understand.

Kate



Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks Kate,

I want to get through one stage at a time, divorce first, living arrangements second, unless something occurs in the meantime, then I will have no hesitation to chuck him out. If things do change, they won't change for long, and he gets no more chances. It isn't my intention that he will be here for long, one foot wrong....

Today he said he's on to everything. Guess what he's been doing for the last 6 hours? lying on the sofa, feet up, reading a magazine, and watching TV. He came out to me an hour ago and said can I do anything, I said feed the dogs, he said done it, then back to TV. Not that I wanted any help. No thank you.

I forgot to tell you... Saturday he said he'd had a phonecall from his brother who had had a text from his ex-wife saying Liz had told her that things were happening here, and he wanted to find out what was going on. D was angry that I had talked to Liz about things. I was surprised that she had spread the word.

I wonder if now he has accepted that he has been so in the wrong (or has he?) that he will tell the full story to all his buddies who 'love him' and are shocked at my cheek. I doubt it.

I'll pop back later for an update.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Sounds like you have this all well planned out. That is great. I can tell that you feel in control and confident in this and it's wonderful to see!

 

I'm sorry to hear that Liz talked about what you told her. Maybe she wasn't clear that it wasn't something to talk about. Or she talked to her husband thinking he wouldn't say anything. But I do think you are right, Dave probably will say something to his buddies. One set of rules for him, a different set for you!

 

Did you ever get your net book back?

 

See you on the new thread!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks kate,

I'm quite happy that he talks to his friends, just wondered if he would tell him things from where I'm standing now that he knows and accepts his ways have lead to this.

Yes, he gave me my netbook back at the end of the lengthy talk this morning, but I didn't ask for it again, he said he'd get it when he was feeling ashamed of himself.

New thread coming up.

Goodnight Kate, talk tomorrow. Hope you've had a good Sunday :)

Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX Very busy Sunday!

 

Ok, see you on the new thread! Good night, Rose.

 

Katex

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Morning Kate,

Guess what?

(I'm hiding on an old thread!) Wink

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good morning, sneaky girl! I like your tactics :)

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Just wanted to say......

Time has gone very quickly, but I have grown equally fast. I truly believe
that I could not be the person I am now without you being here, day in, day out,
all but a few days out of a whole year. You have never failed me, given me
strength, and helped me to understand myself, D, my children, and my marriage,
in fact my whole life. I know there is still much to be learnt, my journey far
from over, but I WOULD NOT be at this place, this turning point, if I hadn't had
your consistent support and encouragement to believe in myself, my hopes and
dreams, and a better life for my children and for myself. I have been soso
grateful for your belief in me, and what I tell you, and that you have helped me
gain insight into what I could not see clearly. You have helped me find a path
through the mire, and given me courage to keep pushing forwards when the going
gets tough.

I take you away from the last year, and it falls apart. You have been
absolutely the one person who has held me together, through all the ups and
downs, and I can't believe how blessed the day was when I wrote to you a year
ago today. I thank you from the deepest part of my heart, for all your kindness
and care, for being so solid and dependable, and for making me feel better about
myself, that I'm worth it. You have held my hand, and been a great comfort to
me.

So it's our Ist JAday today, Smile
many happy returns

Hugz

Hilary

graphic

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose (Hilary), I am in tears. You have made my day and beyond. That was the most wonderful thing anyone has said to me in all my years of being a therapist. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX bottom of my heart. I hope you don't mind but I would like to print this keep this with me always (and to myself of course :) ).

Happy Anniversary, Hilary!

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
I have to head out for an appointment this morning. Do you have time to talk later?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Kate,

it makes me so happy to tell you how I feel, and I am in tears too. Please keep it, I'm so glad it means so much to you, you have made my day, year, life Kate, thank you.

Hilary

(I am shaking to be Hilary, I don't know if I can sustain her, but for today at least :)

I'll be here later, look forward to talking.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you! I almost want to call you Hilary Rose, just because it's so beautiful and to me it describes the parts of you that make you who you are. But I'll let you pick who you feel most comfortable being :)

 

I just can't believe it's been a year that we have known each other. Wow.

 

I'll be here when you have time to talk. I hope your day is going well!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hey Kate,

How good is that?! Hilary Rose, that's sounds beautiful, I can do that, thank you Kate :)

Through with your appointment already?

I went to fetch my chest of drawers this morning, quite a jaunt, I was looking forward to getting home in time to catch your early morning appearance! ;) Mark stopped by a while ago, he gave me a hand to get it in and in place. It's quite nice, looks homemade, but a quality project, just a little tidying here and there.

Mark was up to his usual tricks, asking me to take a day out with him. I said no can do. He told me everything, I told him nothing. I don't know if he knows anything from his daughters, being that Poppy has talked to them about it. Prob not.

And Sam is home, studying for his last exam on Thursday. I really hope he puts the effort in.

I'd better move across the time warp to our current question for any answers, but can stay here til I have something to say :)

Hilary Rose (yay! love it)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am so glad you like it! I knew how you felt about Hilary so I was a little hesitant to suggest it, but if you are happy with it, I'm glad.

 

All done with the appointment. Things went smooth this morning, much to my surprise!

 

It sounds like the chest of drawers situation turned out nicely. The Mark thing not so much. He doesn't give up easy, does he? He reminds me a bit of Dave in his insistence and refusal to listen to your needs.

 

We can move on over to the new thread if you want, anytime you are ready.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Do you still see clients (patients?) in practice, or do you just work on JA? I'd imagine once you have a client they never want to leave you!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you :)

.

No patients anymore, sad to say. I did have a private practice but I got too busy with the kids and it was too hard to maintain (a lot of advertising, not my forte!). I do JA and another site now. But I've thought about another private practice when the kids are on their own.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Good for you. Needs must. I'm sure we all keep you busy at your keyboard! It's great to be able to fit around the kids. I'm very pleased the kids busied you up or I'd never know you :) You'd think the older they got the less tied you are, but that isn't quite so!

I've cleaned my C of D, fits a treat. Now just need to load it. That won't be hard!

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It is wonderful to work around the kids :) I feel very blessed to do so.

I agree, as they get older I just stay busy with different things, as I'm sure you experience too. As I always say, I'll sleep when I'm dead!

Have fun with the chest of drawers. It's always better to load it up rather than clean it out, isn't it?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Definitely. And I hope you get some sleep before then!

I've been wanting to tell you my name for a long time. I feel silly that it made me so anxious. I felt it would put me in a place that I didn't want to be, and not in the special place that I have with you, with my alter ego. Hilary just makes me feel like the lost girl from my teens, when I hated being Hilary, desperate to be anybody but her. I didn't like me in any way, including my name. Especially the way my mother would say my name. I wondered how could anyone name their baby Hilary. But times change, I know that, and names change too.

I felt new, being Rose, budding, changing, but now maybe I feel ready to merge with the old me? It seems absurd that a name can have such a hold on me.

Did you guess my name? I had wondered.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I understand very well how you feel. Your name is XXXXX XXXXX all the bad things from your past. It feels good to pick your own name because it describes who you feel you are, someone who is different from the little girl who had to suffer through such a horrible childhood. It's natural to want to leave that behind and become who you could not be all your life.

 

I did guess your name but I wanted to wait until you felt ready to share it. The name meant a lot and it is significant. It is something you need to be ready to bring out yourself or it will just cause pain for you.

 

My only concern is that you like the little girl you were and in changing your name that you didn't leave her behind or that you don't accept your parents view of her as who she really was. I'm not sure how you feel about that.

 

It may be that you don't like the name Hilary because of all that it is associated with and maybe because you felt hated as a child. That is significant if you did feel that way. Because part of your recovery is to be able to see who you were as a loving, sweet and smart child who was caught in circumstances out of her control. If little Hilary had grown up in a loving family, she would have learned that she was valuable as a person and deserves the best she can have.

 

Kate

 

I don't know if I mentioned that JA changed their rating system. You seem to have already figured it out so I am just checking in if you had any questions.

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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