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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5576
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Rose,

It is interesting that Dave's first response to you was about him feeling that he is being ignored. After all the ups and downs you have gone through to get to this point with him, his focus still remains on himself. That is truly amazing.

No, you are not obligated to tell Dave anything. At this point, you are in divorce proceedings. Most people would be living in separate homes by now and communicating through their lawyers. It has been made clear to Dave what is expected of him at this point. There is no need for you to take care of him anymore or even be concerned. I know that is hard because your natural instinct is to be sure he is ok. But it is time for Dave to deal with the consequences of his actions. You are no longer responsible for doing it for him.

You may be right, the effects of the drinking might be what is making Dave lose weight. He may be substituting alcohol for food. It also could be affecting his liver. It's hard to tell how his emotions are affecting him. In order to act as he does, it takes a lot of energy to maintain. He is living a life that is very focused on harmful things- yelling, screaming, anxious to be the center of attention, drinking and drugs. From what you have told me, he does little to care for others (which as you know promotes good mental health) and he certainly doesn't seem to care for himself. But since he refuses to listen to anyone, then there is little you can do to help him.

Your friend Cathy sounds like a gem! I'm glad you have someone to talk to who can offer good support. Cathy's advice was perfect. Has she thought about being a therapist? :)

Dave has repressed you for a long time. It's good that you see it now so you can reclaim yourself. Insight makes all the difference. And I think your ability to see what Dave has done to you all these years has helped you reach this important point in your relationship. All of that repression is a form of emotional abuse. Anytime someone takes away your freedom to be who you are that is emotional abuse.

I am sorry that you felt so bad that cutting yourself with such a sad message was your only resort. It sounds like you were in deep pain a few weeks ago. I can remember us talking at that time and how upset you felt about how Dave was treating you and the situation between you both. But it sounds like you have found your hope and feel optimistic about your future now. I'm glad you have come through the darkness and found a path out of this nightmare you have lived for so long.

It sounds like your dad was a little fearful about your poem and all the emotions in it. I can imagine that he might have felt overwhelmed since he is used to the control that goes on in his marriage. But even still, it seems that both of your parents are much more accepting of you and your situation than I expected them to be. It was brave of you to share your situation with them and your poem. Keep in mind, you are acting in a very normal way with them. It is their response that might be dysfunctional. Their responses are based on the issues they have with emotions. And although they did quite well with your situation, there is still some holding back and some judgment. But your reaction is very healthy. And the fact that you still try to connect with them after all they did to you as a child is healthy as well. You present very normal emotions to them even though they tried to teach you dysfunctional emotions. That says a lot about your insight and strength.

You have quite a busy day tomorrow! I do like hearing all about your adventures at Tesco's cafe (such good treats there!). I will be in and out tomorrow, as usual, so I'll check in as often as I can. I always like hearing from you, Rose!

Good night, Rose. Sleep tight.

Katex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Rose,

Fruit toast sounds good. Is that fruit spread on toast, or another one of those wonderful sweets you all have over there that I can't get? :)

As you were talking about you and your friend Cathy, I was thinking that once Dave is out of the home how free you would be to have her over and talk with her as much as you wanted to. And you will be able to have anyone over and just enjoy yourself without having to submit to the third degree from Dave. It's hard to believe that he feels ok grilling you like that. He may believe that you don't have any friends and that he can control you by making you tell everything about your conversations with others. The fact that you have to hide who you are with is sad. It takes away your freedom and doesn't allow you to be yourself. No wonder you always felt so bad, down and depressed.

I'm sorry that you mom didn't respond better to your situation or your poem. She may have let your dad speak about it instead, feeling that was enough. Or maybe that is the pattern they always have together. Your father copes with the emotions and your mother remains removed from it. Either way, you are very brave for putting yourself out there and telling them exactly what is going on. They do seem capable of some reaction to their kids, helping your brother although with a lot more restriction, and supporting your decision with Dave with a bit less. Your mother's response that Dave was such a nice chap may be her feeling uncomfortable that her judgment was off about him. Or it could be that she feels she has nothing much to say about the situation so she picks something neutral.

I wonder if all the tension you are feeling today has to do with what you have gone through this week with the letter. You really were on edge the past few days because you were trying to prepare for Dave's reaction to the letter. Sometimes you can be on edge more than you realize. And since it was a very stressful situation, you may have had no where else to put your feelings but into your body. Now that you are feeling better, you are beginning to relax and you are feeling the tension of the last few days.

I hope the cottage changing goes well and Poppy is able to help you this time. I'll check in again in a few hours to see if you have posted. Have a good one, Rose!

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5576
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate

 

I'm scared. He came in drunk, I've lots to tell you but head isn't clear enough yet. He told me he felt he didn't know what to do with himself, head was a mess. I said I know how you feel, I've been there lots of times. I said do you want to read my poem of how I've ben feeling? He said yes, go on then, then I can write you a poem. So I gave him my netbook with the poem up, he read the first verse, second verse, said we sing about these emotions in our songs everyday, this is normal life, every body feels like this. I said well the way you feel is normal then, just as my feelings are normaland every day. He read the verse with the black dog, picked up on the words oppression sinister, read them out to me scathingly (he didn't understand my poem), said you feel this about what? I said I'm talking about depression (not him). He shut my netbook, did't want to read anymore. He went on about something else, feelings, suicide in fact, then I said had he read all of my poem? He said no, but he would now. I said no, you had your chance, I don't want you to read anymore. He opened it, got cross bc there is a password. He got up and took my netbook down stairs. I didn't say anything. Then he took it outside, Sam saying don't be such an idiot, but he went anyway. I don't know where he's put it, and now he's gone back out. I can't access all my emails, but I'm trying. I'm using Sam's laptop. But I'm rather anxious, he wil either come home exceedingly drunk, or I don't know what. Before he left he told the kids he would kill himself.

 

Just wanted to tell you things aren't going too well, but the kids are both with me on my side (both out now). I am surely afraid now.

 

Back soon

 

Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
ps still can't accept your answers, am trying, will contact mods if no luck
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Rose,

I am sorry that this happened. You opened your self up to Dave and he reacted very cruelly. And taking your netbook was wrong.

You have a couple of options here. You can let this play out with Dave. He may or may not return your netbook. He may also be taking it to someone who can help him look through your files. I don't want to say that to make you anxious, but just prepared.

He may also just be taking it to try to control you by making you upset. He probably feels out of control because the divorce is putting him into a corner. Now he tries to gain control by taking your netbook so you can't talk to anyone. The one thing he seems to hate about your marriage is that you want to talk with others and he cannot control that.

You can contact the police, which would be the best option. He took something of yours in the middle of you giving him a divorce. The police would take that seriously and try to recover your netbook from him and deal with him. It would also help your case in getting him out of the home.

Also, you may want to contact another adult for help. A friend or family member to help you get back your netbook and deal with Dave when he does come back home.

I hope you are doing ok.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5576
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

That's ok Rose. Whatever you can work out with the moderators. Just let me know.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks Kate,

 

I'm trying not to let the netbook upset me. I may not get it back, but at least I can still talk to you, and I have emailed K bc we were to meet on Second Life at 8pm. I just want to get through this evening knowing that I can still talk with you, and I have plenty of numbers on my phone if I need them. I can have the cottage this week, there is no one here. I am feeling rather ill, but in control apart from hed all over the place.

 

Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
This laptop is old and slow, but I have now accessed both my email accounts and I've been in touch with K, who wanted to skype, but I had trouble downloading it. D came home, I asked where was my netbook, he just tapped his head and said in here, over and over. He said you're far more clever than me, and I don't need a netbook. I said well I do need it. Please give it back. He said I have taken his life from him, he wanted to take something from me. He said I can have it back when we have been to marriage guidance counselling.

Must sleep
Goodnight Kate

Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Rose are you still there?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Here
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know that I feel so bad for what Dave is doing to you. You do not deserve more of his abuse. He sounds like he is not coping well. Be safe and do whatever you need to do to keep yourself that way.

I will pray for you and the kids. I'm here anytime you want to talk.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oh thank you Kate, it's so lovely to be able to talk with you. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I hope I can keep strong, and safe.

Talk tomorrow. I will sleep better having had these few words. :)

Hugs
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good night, Rose. Remember this will pass and you will be free, very soon.

Katex

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I can't see that it will ever pass, but I guess it just needs time, and it's early days, still too fresh. And D isn't coping well, but it isn't me he wants, it's his life as it is. He cannot see that I will be happier without him, he CANNOT understand why I need to be free of him, he told me over and over that EVERYONE loves him, everyone.

More tomorrow.

Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It will pass. You are right, it will just take time. Your insight is exactly right, it is his life as it was that Dave wants. He does not want to be responsible and have to take care of himself. He is grabbing at straws trying to control you and harm you in an attempt to feel better.

 

Everyone does not love him. That is just his belief system. He has to believe that to protect himself.

 

This is a very sad attempt to get at you. But he won't be able to change what is happening.

 

Talk to you tomorrow,

Katex

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate

Thank you. I am an exhausted wreck, but have made some progress. He came to my room this morning once he was up and wanted to talk. He said he could write a poem like mine, he's in a dark and suicidal place. I said you didn't even read my poem, you didn't understand my poem, (Oh, that's right, put me down, tell me you're cleverer than me) he said no it's a jumble of words,I said poems are not superficial, they have deep meaning, you have to think around the words. I got angry, shouted, felt a right to swear at him, I didn't care, just wanted to be heard, in volume and content.

I told him that I wanted a divorce, that I couldn't live with him any more, couldn't love him, wanted more, freedom from his controlling ways. He said I can't go, I said well, I go then. No you can't go don't be stupid. Where, how, why? I said well I live here for 4 years til Poppy is 18, then you can have it for 4 years. What if she hasn't left home? Well she can live here too. Then what? Where would you go? He said he couldn't do the divorce, couldn't leave here, this is where he wants to live, it's stupid paying a landlord to rent when he can live here rent free. I said I'll pay half your rent. No no. I want to live here. I said I'll go then, I can't live with you anymore. He said 20 years, and now we're here, worked all that time to get to this point, if this is taken from him then his life is over.


He said everything I have is here, I have more stuff here than you! Absolutely, I am squashed into a little room, what is mine is in this room, he is everywhere else. He has taken over. He said who will sort out the garden and field? I said I will with help, it's not as if he does anything much, cuts the grass occasionally. I have managed the field myself for the last 2 yars, stream clearing, brambling, grass, fencing, he's done zero. He said no-one else could cut the grass, it needs my knowledge to get the mower to work. I said he had ignored my requests for getting things done at home, always met with not if you ask, in my own time, it'll get done when I want to do it. I said he even continued to do things against my wishes bc he thought they were good ideas, but they have turned out to be mistakes, or costly. He said that will change, I will get this place sorted. Why hasn't it been done in the last 6 years?

He said we need to work together to make this an amazing place, I will listen to you, I'll do things you ask me to do, I just want to stay here, I want to help you to heal, you need to heal, then you will feel better, and we can be hapy again. I said no no no no no no please, listen, I need space, freedom, from you, I want a life, you have had 2 chances, this is my one time marriage and it is doing me no good, it's harming me. He said you've been in pain, you've had surgery, that causes pain, that's tangible. Yes, but the rest of my physical problems are emotionally related, I have had 5 professionals tell me so, why should he be so right. I told him that's what my poem was about, how my emotions and feelings have affected me physically. But you just shut it out, didn't understand, believe.

He said what happens with the divorce? I said it goes to be registered in court in 10 days. Doesn't he want to get a solicitor? No, too expensive. I said he could get legal aid. No, didn't want to. He said how could he contest it? I said he could tell them I was lying, but it would have to be proved, and it would cost him to contest it, and he shouldn't do anything without legal advice. I said I can withdraw it at any time until the decree absolute, but I wouldn't be doing that.


I told him how he had treated me over many years, that it wasn't just the last 2/3 years, that his drinking issues go back many years, recounted the time where he took the kids from me and made me write a letter of apology. He said he didn't remember that at all. Of course not. He said he is sorry, ashamed, he will stop drinking, behave, that the letter from my solicitor weeks ago was a shock, but he has changed. I said you haven't changed, not possible for him to change enough, too much damage has been done, he has chipped away at me for years and years, without me even knowing it, to the point that I could barely function. He said why didn't I tell him? I said I was in denial, I didn't know, I didn't want to make him feel bad, I just wanted him to be happy, keep him happy was the best thing for me to do, the easiest way to cope, easier for me that he was out a lot, not here, I said I don't want that to change, I don't want you to stay home, better when you're not here. I went up stairs, he came too. I was crying, wanted to get away from him. He said he was sorry. I said it doesn't change anything. I said whatever you feel I am not stopping the divorce process. He said OK, he accepts that, but could I let him stay here, him in his room, living his life, and I live mine. I agreed for that moment in time so that the conversation could close, and there would be no more anger and abuse today.

He said I'll go and get your netbook now.

Poppy went to visit Mark's children last night. She told them that D and I were getting a divorce. They were really surprised, said so are our parent's getting separated! Poppy was really pleased, it made things seem so much better to her.

My parents called me up a couple of hours ago, Dad had received an email from K last night, but had only opened it this morning. K told them of my situation, which is fine, so I had to tell them what had passed last night and this morning. They were very upset with D, and very sorry. I have told them that the very next time 'something happens' I will get wheels in motion for an order against him, if that is the only way to have him leave. They have seen me upset today more than ever before, and gave me a sort of hug before I went home.

I feel I have won a battle, but lost the land. Back later

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

From what I understand, there is a new policy of one question one accept. If you want to talk with the moderators so they can clarify it, that may help. I'll check back in soon to answer your question on the new thread.

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.