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So -- most men would be turned on by that? That upsets me. The thought of someone getting off to what was so painful for me really bothers me and scares me.
I understand that there is a difference between fantasy and reality, and that just because someone may get aroused by something - or even regularly fantasize abut it, it doesn't mean that they would ever do it, and they are watching these things not considering that these are real people or could be their daughters, sisters, wives, friends, mothers. But it still upsets me. It obviously is appealing to more than a small number of people or why would they have so many sites on the internet?
Why does it seem like guys are so different than girls as far as fantasies are concerned? Or do girls also find that arousing (to watch, not experience)?? I guess I thought these guys, or really - just the mean one - was so far from normal - that he was even able to get an erection with all the blood and pain. But now it seems like a lot of men would be able to and are ---- I don't think, by far, that most men or normal guys would ever act on it - but what I am hearing is that it is generally a turn-on. Is that correct? And if so, why? I totally get the domination thing. But there is a difference between that and physically damaging someone, I think.
Do you think it might turn the mean one on now to think about how he mutilated me in the most private way and tore me apart? Do you think he masturbated to that afterwards?? Do you think the other one did??
I know Linda's childbirth experience was not the same, and it kind of irritates me when she uses examples from her own experience, because (1) I don't need to know that; and (2) none of her examples have been close (this being the closest), and the message to me is that a lot of people experience similar things in every day life, which makes me feel weak for being upset about it. It's weird, because I used to want to hear that what I went through was kind of common, but now I feel like when I hear from Linda, for instance, that this was much more brutal, it in some ways justifies that I am still upset. Does that make sense? Am I just looking for excuses to be over dramatic? I understand why she was telling me about her experience with the childbirth (which she has now brought up several times) - her point was that she instantly went into shock, and that it was an issue, it was painful, and it took some specific treatment - and this happened in a room full of medical staff (because she was 40 and it was considered a high-risk pregnancy) and it not uncommon during childbirth. She was trying to communicate to me that what happened there was serious enough, but dealing with that without medical care would have been bad. She was trying to tell me that I was strong to be able to deal with it. I know what she was trying to do, but I wish she'd stop trying. But because she is using that as an example, I am not certain whether I explained well enough what I told her a few weeks ago (and told you, too). Did you understand what I was saying happened? It is easier to write it to you than say it to her, sitting a few feet away from me. But maybe I didn't explain it well to either of you. I tried to tell her, yesterday and either Monday or the session I told her, that I thought it was probably similar to what she experienced, except "from the other way." Yesterday, she said that although she had stitches, etc., she really doesn't know which direction it tore. So I still didn't think she understood. I told her it happened during the anal sex part, so I would think she understood, but maybe she missed that part. Do you think she understands? Or is there really no difference? I looked up epesiotomies, and at lease when they cut it, they don't do it the whole way between the two. And I am pretty positive mine didn't tear the whole way. I think I would have known, although it was hard to distinguish what pain and what blood was from what. But I can't explain to her what I mean - I guess I can say it here, although it is difficult (but maybe you already understand what I was saying before): it tore downward from my anus toward the vaginal area - not the vaginal area towards the other. Sorry to be so blunt. I just don't think I'm making myself clear, and I don't think Linda understands. Or maybe it is me that doesn't understand. Does the same thing happen during childbirth sometimes? Am I just assuming wrong? Or is it just pretty much the same thing, with slightly different placement?
And why when I was able to find medical sites, did they only talk about "fissures," which seemed more internal. But maybe that's what it was - just longer and more outside as well. I don't understand myself, and I don't think Linda understands. The reason this is important to me is because I want to explain how it felt and how I was instantly nauseous and what it felt like and how bad it hurt. I could be wrong, but I also think the vaginal area is easy to tear than the other - at least to start a tear. Am I wrong?
I am really sorry. I know this would fit into the category of "TMI," but I can't just ask someone, and I don't know if Linda understands, and if not, how to explain it.
I don't know if I feel I did something to deserve all that. I certainly feel like the fact that I was drinking and walking alone at night, and was nice to and somewhat trusted these guys made me deserve it. And At the beginning - basically when both of them had sex with me and the bottle (1st time), up through right before the urine thing, I did nothing wrong. I fought, I did what I could, but I was being totally restrained. As you know, the things that I agreed to or allowed after that, and the things I said and did, were not the best, XXXXX XXXXX wish I hadn't reacted that way. But the fact is, I did. I can't change that. I will never know what would have happened or wouldn't have happened if I had made other choices. I can't know that. So I guess I can't assume one way or the other - that they were the right choices or the wrong choices. As I look back, I didn't really think any of it through - I just did or said it. I was scared, and whether they were presently threatening me or not, I thought they would use the bottle if I didn't comply and I didn't want that pain. I made a choice that I would rather have sex, give oral sex, let hm have anal sex, move with him, ask him for it, beg him for it, and say I liked it and loved it - to try to avoid the bottle. It didn't totally work, as they used it again, but I do not know whether they would have used it even more if I hadn't complied. Nobody knows that. And although the pain and damage from the tear was extremely painful and not so good, I can't really say that the bottle used that way would have been better. I don't know. I can't know - and nobody can know.
I don't know what part of what I did was wrong and what wasn't. But whatever part was wrong, I think I paid for by just the physical pain I went through that night and during the weeks and months after.
But I feel like it's like God is telling me: you tried to take the easy way out and avoid dealing with this further at the time. You tried to bury it and thought it would go away - but you didn't face the full consequences, and so you need to face the rest of them now.
What I told you about men and sex is from a therapist's perspective. I'm not sure the general population is any more informed about motivations for deviant sexual behavior than what they hear and read in the media. So I'm not sure you are that uninformed.
Yes, I agree, what happened to you is way out of proportion to anything you would have done to deserve it. But I don't think you took the easy way out when it happened. There are many trauma survivors that have never dealt with what happened to them. What you feel is normal but you are not alone, by any stretch of the imagination.
I'm not sure if viewing those sites is such a great idea. That is very dramatic and intense deviant behavior. And given what you have been through, you may not see those sites as someone who has not been traumatized would. It's up to you, of course, but I'm not comfortable encouraging you to do that, at least until you talk to Linda about it.
Being desensitized to such violence is never good. That only means you have distanced yourself emotionally from the pain of what is going on. Anyone who does that in order to watch those kinds of things is going down the wrong path emotionally.Although you can do what you want about watching the videos, I recommend you at least talk with Linda about it first. She is going to want to help you explore why it's important to you and if you do choose to do it, she will want to help with any feelings you have as a result. Therapy is not meant to make you desensitized. It's to help you find a way to cope with what happened to you so it becomes part of your past. Not that you forget it, but that it does not traumatize you like it does now with nightmares, sadness, etc. You will never be happy it happened, but you won't feel like you do now. Yes, people that have gone through trauma do have consequences. They may have nightmares like you do or they are anxious or depressed. Avoiding dealing with a trauma may also result in alcohol or drug use just as a way to escape. Each person reacts differently. The hope is that eventually they seek help because the consequences are too much for them to live with anymore. Kate
Okay. I understand. I am so angry today - about all that happened, all that is happening now, and everything in between. I keep thinking that this is not how things are/were supposed to be. But this is how they are. And I need a reason - like either guys are depraved or I screwed up, or I am weak, or I am being taught a lesson or something. I think I somehow think watching those videos and making myself more angry and miserable will achieve something. Maybe it's because at least I will be in control of it? It will be me making myself miserable instead of those guys or memories or feelings about something that happened half my life ago, or just sadness randomly popping up. You know?
I understand. You are hurting, Shay. It's ok to be angry and want a reason for what you went through. Somehow it makes it even worse when you don't know why something so horrible happened. But I can tell you, and I hope it helps, that those guys were screwed up. There is nothing in the world that you did wrong. Matter or fact, you did everything right. They were very mentally ill and you did the best you could with two very sick people who decided to focus their sickness on you. It's very easy to see that watching those videos might make you feel more in control. And it may, briefly. But by watching them, it only hurts you more. You would not want to see them otherwise, if it wasn't for what they did to you. So in a way, it's responding to what they did to you by trying to see more of what they did to you.The way you get control is to get better. It shows them they could not take you down to their level. They did not win if you can't be defeated by the deviance they brought into your life. Consider that they may never get out of the sickness they have but you will get better and move on. They will always feel awful, you will not. That is control over what happened.Kate