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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi Kate,I never did tell you what happened at my therapy

Resolved Question:

Hi Kate,

I never did tell you what happened at my therapy last week that was in a sense positive. My daughter's father wants a meeting to take place between him, I and the doctor who supervised the visits for us. I would not be able to sit in a small room or big room for that matter, with him. My doctor thinks it is not in my best interest. So the psychologist said 'fine, could you just write me a quick note saying so and that way I will get him off my back already." He is a pest especially when he wants something. She told my doctor that she hopes this is the last we hear from him.

At the end of our session last week, my therapist suggests that I write the letter for her and bring it to our next session. This way, she said, I am in complete control of the situation. I procrastinated but did it last night. When she asked me how I felt doing it, I said pretty good that the three of us are working together to get my daughter and I away from him.

She brought up how last week I told her that talking about my bad stuff seems to help me. She asked me if I wanted to talk about the assault. I said I always have it on my list of things to talk to her about but never do. I don't know where to start. She asked me to just describe the day, getting up, having breakfast, etc. It was during a long weekend visit my boyfriend had and stayed with us.

I did but when we got to the part of taking the recycling out before taking him to the airport, some anger came out. Turns out I have a lot of anger directed toward him due to the fact that he was late getting his stuff in my car (as he was departing us for his home) and had no time to help me get the recycyling out to the curb. Is this logical? Probably not. Is it how I feel? Yes. The assault would not have happpened if it had been taken out earlier instead of me doing it myself at night. Of course I made a mistake waiting until dark to due so. But he is slow/late for everything.

I think this is why my OCD and anxiety are heightened before I go to see her. I am wanting to talk about the "bad stuff" but am also terrified to talk about it.

Well I should try to get some sleep. I hope you had a nice evening.

Kathy

She asked me what I wish I could say to him. This is where the anger came out and where I blamed him. I know it is illogical but some of it makes sense to me especially since he is kind of lazy and doesn't really offer to help with any household chores like the recycling. She said I could tell him how I feel but that would serve no real purpose but at the very least I got out some of the anger I feel toward him.

Maybe just slowly decribing the day knowing that I don't have to talk about the actual assault if I don't want to, may help enable me to talk about the actual specifics of the assault. It does help me to talk about it.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Kathy,

That is wonderful! It sounds like you made a great breakthrough in therapy. Talking about the assault can be very difficult and sometimes even traumatizing, but by facing it, you have realized some very important things about what happened to you.

It's normal to feel upset about the circumstances of your assault and your boyfriend's actions during that night. I agree, it may not seem logical to you but what you feel is perfectly fine. All the actions of that night are important to look at, even if they did not cause the assault. And although it is not your fault (for being out late) or your boyfriend's fault for not getting to the recycling, it is ok to have feelings like you do about them.

Eventually, you will accept that the things that happened during that night were just part of the situation. The real fault of that night belongs to the person who hurt you. If he had not been there, none of what happened that night would have mattered. But when it comes to trauma, it is better to work towards accepting that. Otherwise, you will always question the different parts of that night and wonder about how it affected what happened.

It's great that your therapist and the doctor working with you are being so supportive of you. It can be very affirming to have others see what you have dealt with when you were with your ex. Seeing how your ex behaves helps both of them support you in this situation. He sounds like quite a handful if the doctor is anxious to end the association!

Thanks for sharing your good news. I am happy for you!

Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Kate,

I never even saw what I told you as good news but I think you are right. Some very positive things came out of it and even though I have a lot of hard work ahead of me, I was at least able to talk about the day it happened if not the event itself.

I truly hope I can get to that point where I don't play the blame game.

Thank you for pointing out to me how positive this therapy session was. I still don't completely see it, but I am trusting you and your experience and believing it.

Kathy

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome! I do think that your insight and the session were very good signs that you can work through what happened to you. Getting past self blame is difficult, but it eventually happens with therapy and support. And it appears you have made a break through. Now that this has happened, the chances are it will again and more often.

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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