thanks; not long in, arrived home at 9.15, house in darkness, but D was home, I said Hi, he said where have you been? Where is everybody? I said Sam is at work, Poppy with her bf, and I've been with Cathy. Oh. I sorted his mess in the kitchen, played with Lola a while, then came down for a shower. He came down, said I don't like being ignored. I said I didn't ignore you, it was unplanned, was just going to be a quick visit to Cathy but she invited me to stay for tea (which I had to think about for a short time, but D's supper was ready for him to microwave, and apart from my supper waiting for me, and me being very tired, I couldn't think of a good enough reason to say no!), and I haven't seen her for weeks (since before the SS visit). He said she's one of your (he put his fingers up as if drawing speech marks) "friends" who is telling you to get a divorce. I said no-one is TELLING me to get a divorce, except me.
Cathy is one of my longest and most secure friends, and she's also very fond of D. She has spent a lot of time with us when she was first on her own, and moved down here from London bc of me a few years after splitting up from her husband. I said to her that I didn't think he was talking to anyone about things, she said she doubted it too, but she would talk with him if he wanted to (he won't do that). She said he is behaving completely normally, laughing, joking, chatting, drinking, completely in denial, but she did say he looks dreadful, which he does bc he's lost a lot of weight. I have been reading about the nutritional effects of heavy drinking, and see that they are many. Throw in diabetes and it's no wonder . But Cathy says it must be effecting him emotionally too, sure, but he is still eating reasonably, I think it's more the alcohol, exacerbated by the emotions.
But I enjoyed my evening with Cathy, her son (16) and long time partner, a nice family time with proper talk around the table, not one sided as it would be with D. You asked me the other day how I felt to be not speaking during our meal when Liz came. You're right, I am so used to it, I don't even try, he wonders why I fail to communicate with him when it's just him and me. I suppose I just shut down, have my own thoughts but keep them locked away, even if I have something to add
I ask myself if it's worth the bother, trying to find a gap to slip it in, then I find it's the bare minimum of a sentence, not one with a comma in it, just a phrase, telling the basics, a comment. I am used to it, but I feel like a spare part, unimportant, he is the centre of attention, everyone must listen to him, in his loud voice, to stories that we may have heard over and over.
Cathy said she was amazed at how well I coped with telling her everything that has happened over the last 5 or 6 weeks. I was only upset at one point, when I was telling her how I felt the day after he had been listening to my skype with K, and how he made me feel when I realised he'd heard it all. I said I hoped that I'd be able to laugh and be happy again some day she said sure you will, you have just been squashed down for so long, you'll find yourself again.
So, he's up stairs, I'm down here, I don't plan any further interaction with him tonight. I was feeling upbeat in the shower, that I have made it through the mire. I saw the words 'I need hope' that I had cut on my leg several weeks a go, and thought that I have that hope now. I do feel though that D thinks if he ignores the papers then it will all go away. He won't be seeking legal advise, his loss, he will be going into this completely blindly, and just by correspondence from my solicitor. I need not tell him anything?
As my parents were reading my poem, dad first, then mum, I wished I hadn't allowed them to see it, despite removing the verses that were too close. It wasn't ever my intention to share it with anyone else, and I knew it would upset my dad. That was why I was quick to say that they were feelings and emotions that I had had over a period of time, and not all right now. Dad was very glad to hear that, and said he was sorry not to have been more of a support to me, especially over such a long period of time when I was in so much pain that was a mystery, and I was back and forth to the Drs with no answers, and then he said he should have thought that it was a stress related problem. I said the Drs are supposed to tell me that, besides they didn't know how things were at home, no-one did, and I didn't know how the stresses could be affecting my body. So there was some regret and guilt from my dad that he hadn't been more observant of me, but my mum's response was more about me needing to talk to somebody about my emotions (have you shown it to anyone?) I think it was probably a shock to them that I have been feeling that way, maybe it was good to share it, maybe not. We didn't talk any further, I had to sort out their skype, but failed.
Sam rang for collection a little while a go, D answered the phone, came downstairs. I said are you picking him up? He said what do you think? I said well I didn't know how much you have had to drink tonight. He just left, but Sam drove home anyway, so that was OK. He seemed fairly sober.
I guess I must sleep now. About time! I have an early start, AA, collect Deb's girls for orchestra, pick up Poppy from her bf's, and try to get to orchestra practice for 10am. I shall look forward to breakfast in Tesco's cafe, with my trusty netbook, and you :)
Goodnight dear friend,