Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
First, I am sorry about what you went through as a child. Abuse is traumatizing and the effects can cause many symptoms. But you are doing a good thing by seeking help from a therapist and now on Just Answer. I would be glad to help you in any way I can.What you are feeling is normal for what you have been through. It may not feel like it, but it is. You are not crazy. Just from talking with you I can tell that you are ok and that what you are feeling is normal.When someone is traumatized, they usually develop PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The symptoms are wide ranging, but vivid dreams, anxiety and depression are common. Trauma can cause physical symptoms as well, like you described. Wanting to be held and comforted like you should have been is a common feeling among adult children who have been abused. You crave that comfort and sense of security that you did not get. As a child, you have many needs. And when they are met with anger, abuse and neglect, those needs go unmet. They stay with you into adulthood until you can find a way to meet them. You have already taken one of the most important steps in your recovery by seeking out therapy. That is a sign that you are emotionally healthy. The next step is to rule out any physical issue you may have regarding the muscle spasms and pain you are having, just in case. Most likely, they are due to the amount of stress you are feeling. But it never hurts to be sure. The next step is self help. There are many resources out there to help you to continue to work on your symptoms in between your sessions. I have worked extensively with abuse survivors and there are many resources that are very helpful in recovery that I highly recommend. Here are some to get you started. Let me know if you need more:Adult Children of Abusive Parents- Steven Farmer
The book is very helpful in describing the symptoms and feelings you have as a result of abuse. Also, consider joining a support group either on line or in person. It will help you feel less alone. One of the biggest issues when you are coping with past abuse is feeling that you are the only one who understands. Having support can help you share and have support. I hope this has helped. Please let me know if you need more resources or have any more questions. I am here if you need to talk.Kate
Unless the aches and pains you are having are new, then you are probably fine. It is always a good idea to be cautious since so many emotional issues can cause physical reactions.Most children who are abused do not realize that anything is wrong until later or if they happen to notice it with their friend's families. There is nothing to compare your life to at that age and you do not have enough experience to know any different.It is very typical that abusive parents deny any wrong doing. They usually lack insight. Because to acknowledge what they did they would have to face it. And most do not want to do that. The Adult Children book I believe has a lot about the feelings of an abused child and inner child work, both of which address how you feel. Inner child work helps you learn to comfort yourself and "take care" of the child you were so you can feel loved and comforted. I'm not sure if you have touched on that yet in therapy but you can mention it to your therapist. The anxiety you feel is probably due to the emerging feelings from your abuse. It does go away. But in the meanwhile, try relaxation techniques to help. Also, anti anxiety techniques also can make a difference. Here are resources to help:http://www.guidetopsychology.com/pmr.htmhttp://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/accepting-and-overcoming-anxiety/Kate
I understand your discouragement. It's not an easy path. But you are doing the best you can and that is all that is needed for recovery.