Hi Kate. We're back from the cabin. Quick trip. We're pretty beat. I actually got a lot of work work done last night after everyone else was asleep. Then they all got up before 5:30 and I slept till 9:00. Oops.
I have a question: I am assuming, as I keep feeling worse about all this, I assume there will be a bottom point and then it will start feeling better. Is that assumption correct? If so, will I know when I hit that point?
Also - do you think we're doing the right thing in therapy - me telling it out loud and exploring my feelings about every little thing? Why is it so much harder for me to tell it verbally than it was when I wrote it out and let her read it?
On Friday, I just told her about the mean one having sex with me the first time. But that was really difficult for me and I felt awful. Linda said a few times that I didn't have sex with him, he r***d me. I told her it still is sex when it comes down to it, but I wish there was a different word for it to differentiate it from a voluntary situation.
I feel so bad about what happened. I am sad
about it. My heart feels heavy. I felt so detached the last 2 weeks and then I tell one part of the thing Friday and bam - I have all these feelings again. I feel loss. But I don't know specifically what loss I feel. What did
I lose? I feel used and upset that I know that I can be put in a position of having no control and being there strictly for the pleasure and use of someone. That doesn't jive with my self image that I am important and valuable. I had no value at that time. I was a play thing for 2 people. I was a thing almost, not a person. And when I was most lik a person during the whole thing, I jut did things to please them, affirming to them I had no individual value and was there for their pleasure and fun. I feel bad about this. It is hard to accept that I can be (and was) reduced to that. I'm not sure exactly what the feelings are. They're just bad.
Sorry. I just am feeling ba an I'm trying to figure it out.