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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi Kate, How are you? I had a letter from my husbands

Resolved Question:

Hi Kate,
How are you?

I had a letter from my husbands solicitor today and the proposal seems ok, good actually. He is not going to ask for the 34% of his share of our worldly goods that I can't find in cash until I sell the house - whenever that might be. seems fair - he could have forced a sale so if this goes through my solicitor and back to his ok it could be ok.

When I got the letter i was very upset. I went on a pack everything in sight of f's up and put it in the garage, it helped take the edge of my anger, but I feel a bit silly now so I am going to put some back.

My daughter moves out in the morning and I am going to miss her so much and I am scared that I am going to be the only grown up as sometimes I am not very grown up.

Also (and this is so embarrasing) but Insurance bills and things are coming in and those practical things are are all neww because f had the bills on direct debit and i am going to have to work out my budget and it feels so scary.

I know I am banging on about it but I miss my t so much - I have her picture in my room and I have to take it out, because I wont see her agin and if i do I think I will have to run away.

Sorry Kate just having a low day (think its the letter and my daughter going tomorrow)

F is coming tomorrow to spend time with Kids while I go and move my daughter then I am taking her to the supermarket to stock her cupboards up. I am a bit nervous about going out because it has been a long time but I think it will be ok.

I sent of my disability claim form, so that is a good start
thanks Kate
Kelly
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Kelly,

It is good news that you won't have to sell your home to split everything with F! I am glad to hear it. Staying in your own home provides you with some stability, which after what you have been through lately, is going to help a lot.

It's just fine that you reacted to the letter by packing up F's things and putting them out. You are allowed to have feelings about what you are going through. He has left the marriage and the family and put you in a difficult position. And through it all, he has not made it easy and he has put himself first. Reacting to all of that by "cleaning" reminders of him out of your home is a very normal reaction. It is a way to say that you want him out of your life and you want to have your home be about you only. Reminders of him are only going to be painful because of what he has done. And it is fine to let him take his things with him tomorrow. You are not doing anything wrong.

It is another loss to have your daughter moving out. Anytime a child leaves home, you have to let them go emotionally and physically. You spent so many years caring for her that once she goes, it is a loss. It's not going to be easy. But there is some good to it as well. You will have her to visit (a good excuse for you to get out of the house) and she will still be there for you and you for her. It will take some adjustment though.

It can be very disorienting to suddenly face being responsible for not only the home and kids, but now the bills. When you are faced with a job that you have never done or haven't done in a while, you have to learn everything from the start again. But you are very smart, Kelly, and I have no doubt that once you orient yourself to what you need to do, you will do just fine. Feeling nervous and scared is ok. I would feel the same way if suddenly faced with a big task like that. Almost everyone does. Try taking one step at a time. Do an overview first to see what needs paid and when. Then look at your income and see when the money is coming in. Then go from there. One step at a time. Once you establish a payment schedule and a way to remind yourself of when the bills are due, you will fall into it just fine.

It's also ok to feel anxious about suddenly being the only adult in the home. What you are feeling is a normal emotion. There are many times that parents feel the burden of the responsibility of being there for their kids, the only answer to all questions, the main support of money, time and emergencies. It's a big burden. And there are moments when you may feel you can't do it all. That is also normal. Accept that you will have those times. That doesn't mean you cannot handle the job, it only means that you are human! Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you have handled this all these years, you can keep doing it. And think of those people you can rely on if you do feel to overwhelmed. Your daughter, F if you need to, and other people you may know. If it helps, make a list and keep it nearby. That way, you feel less alone. And I am always here to bounce things off of if you want another opinion or just someone to talk to.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,
Thanks - I don't know why but your reply made me cry - in a good way I think! I just needed to share all that is going on.

I am going to go through the filing cabinets and start that overview you mentioned because I think if I can know what goes out and comes in I will feel better, even if its dire I will know that action is needed.

I am opening a second etsy shop (my first is almost static but I keep it going because its how galleries check out work, One at the other end of the country found me that way) making jewellery and paintings. The jewellery, pendants and rings with paintings inside so although they don't sound like they go together they do!) - i am doing it in a separate shop because the stuff is so different to what I have been doing and apparently the success of the shops is increased if its cohesive.

Kate even though I am starting to see a new therapist, I see her again thursday, I hope its ok to keep writing. I find chatting with you helps keep me up and going. I really appreciate being able to talk wiht you.
Thanks
Kelly
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Oh Kelly, I hope it was a good kind of cry! I definitely don't want to be making you feel sad.

.

Congrats on your new Etsy shop! Your jewelry sounds so pretty. Paintings inside pendants and rings sounds unique and fun. It's just the kind of thing I like to buy so I think you will have lots of sales!

.

I definitely still want to talk with you, no matter what. As long as you need me I will be here for you.

.

Talk to you soon,

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.