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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate Eve has been back out to my home the past 10~14 days!

Customer Question

Kate Eve has been back out to my home the past 10~14 days! she sits on the edge of the road & watchs my employees while they are working & this happened twice that we know of & yes I personally saw her here once, just two weeks ago! i had the porch built that she designed last fall! a friend let me know a couple of months ago that the staff at Uof M found she was in remisson from her autoimmune disorder & they took her off her meds: my question is this do you feel she maybe looking to restablish our relationhip ? & go forward ! i have had no contact with her ! your thoghts ? marvin
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello Marvin! It's great to hear from you.

 

I was taken back to read that you and Eve are no longer together. Last time we spoke, you were getting engaged. What has happened since then and how did the two of you get to this point?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate: Eve broke the engagement ! re: her Physican told her a few months ago that she should decide who she wanted to take care of her ! as she would be blind in less than a year! the next month she was informed by her specialist that she could drop her meds: come for a recheck in Dec: 2012! she was "very~deppressed" at the time!! But i should tell you this too! she & I were putting everthing together in my house as she wanted them new floor coverings sink & faucet ! we had a spare room put into a half bath laundry ! she set up the floor plan & fixtures & I had them done exactuallyas she wanted them done! she had been married 3 times & told me she had always had a battle wth her x spouses on putting any projects together ! she has always told me that in divorce counseling of her last two marriages that she was told she lacked "relatioship skills in marriage" I had a new porch put on the house & she laid it out & designed it! & now its completed & she has been out here & seen it! is she coming back to our relationship ! your thoughts please ! marvin
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate: last weekend my older sister called & talked to my mom & brought up specifiic question on my moms estate & will matters stating x&x & x !! ok eventhough I never told her those specific things ! but I told Eve: & they were just put together this Jan: 2012! Eve had never met her!! everyones opinon is that they have gotten acquainted since & she has her email address :: I talked to family about it everyone assured me they did not know the details ! & everyone agrees Eve told my sister! your thoughts ? ps : I am to get 99% of the Estate & have Power of Attorney for my mom & hippa ! & patient advocacy ! etc: your thoughts m
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Marvin,

It sounds like you have done what you can for Eve to make her happy in your relationship. The fact that she left after hearing from her doctor that she has to think about who would take care of her may mean that she feels under a lot of pressure to put the responsibility on someone. She may not have wanted to put it on you. She could have trust issues or feel that making you responsible for her was too much and not fair to you. It depends on how she acts about it as to what reason it is. You mentioned that she is parking outside of your company and watching people. That shows that she feels upset and bothered by something, maybe her decision. She may want to be involved with your life and can't bring herself to come back yet. So she stays "in touch" with you by being around parts of your life that are important to you. Or it could be that she is not sure how to handle the issues in your relationship and with her eyesight, so she is hanging around your company as a way to deal with her feelings.

Eve may very well lack relationship skills and may not be able to express how she feels about the stress she is under. But without more details than that, it will be hard for you to say how she will be in your relationship. Being told that your eyesight is going to be gone in so many months is a terrifying thing to hear. And the amount of stress Eve is under has to be enormous. She may not be able to react in a normal way in your relationship because of the amount of stress. She may take out her feelings on you or even herself in dysfunctional ways in an attempt to cope. That does not necessarily mean she is not able to be in a relationship, it just means she is under a lot of stress.

The best way to react to her is to be steady and reliable. Be there for her but also allow her some space to work this out on her own. As long as she doesn't cross boundaries with you (such as starting to stalk your employees or you), it is fine to allow her some leeway in how she responds to you or acts with you. Try to let her decide when she feels comfortable being with you and allow her to set the time when you both get back together. Be as supportive as you can. And remember, you have your own needs too so if it gets too much, don't forget to take care of yourself.

I just got your additional question. It sounds like Eve might be involving herself a bit too much in your family situation. It is not her place to be informing your sister about anything related to your mother's estate. Although this might just be a mistake on her part, you may want to talk with her and set some boundaries. Until you and Eve are married, she needs to let you handle these types of situations. And in the future, she needs to talk with you first before she discusses any issues with anyone in your family. As long as you let her know in a firm yet gentle way, it is perfectly fine to tell Eve how you feel.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate ! we do not converse !! she sent me a cease &disist request email two months ago !! I forwarded it to our singles group organization group !! she state matthew chapter 18 vs: 15~17 re: taking matters to the church elders !! ps: she actually did it & my contacts interceeded on my behalf with the elders ! he point was this to them ! she staed to them that I wasnot to have spoken to anyone about her medical condition ! that it was a personal matter ok! they showed the Elders that she had openly requested prayer on the groups prayer request list for four months!! had told the entire group about it openly 3 times & that they had prayed for her openly ! I agree on the aspect of what you say! but i must tell you that a friend of mine told me the next evening she was in church with a new guy ! I told him well she was out here that very same evening ! he was at a loss of words ! I told him maybe they parted company before she came out here? that maybe why? she was here? & has been back here in just a little over a week just sitting & watching employes ! eventhough they know her i told them to approac her or wave or stare in her direction: & act as though she was not there at all! your thoughts? m
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am sorry to hear that, Marvin. It sounds like Eve is responding in a dysfunctional way to your relationship, maybe because of the stress she has been through or because of the personal relationship issues she talked about from her previous marriages.

 

To have cease and desist order on you then sit outside of your company watching your employees is very odd behavior. Although people often act in strange ways when under a lot of stress, it is not a good sign that she is filing legal actions against you then hanging around. It could be that she is trying to control you in some way or she is trying to see what you will do, maybe as some sort of test.

 

Regardless, her actions are overboard and have to be affecting any future you may have together. Legally, you must obey the order against you so you cannot approach her safely. And even if you did, you may not be able to get a good response.

 

At this point, I would recommend therapy. For you because of the stress and help with how to respond to her behavior. For her to work out whatever issues are causing her to react this way. Her behavior is beyond the normal reactions most people have so it sounds like there is something more there than you should try to take on and address yourself.

 

If therapy is not possible and you don't get back together, you may want to consider talking to an attorney as a protective measure to be sure she doesn't try to do anything to harm you further. Her behavior seems unpredictable so protecting yourself is a priority.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate: ps: there is no order against me! on the Elder matter!! they simply said that I was welcome to come to any church functions & if she was uncomfotable with it then she could choose not to attend there anymore ! i have not attempted to contact her or told my attorney any of these matters ! or any police agency ! your thoughts! m
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate: Eve was just out here again: your thoughts ? "m"
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate : i need to share something with you ! see I spend most of my time at the main farm there are two farmsteads here! it is totally an open area! ok! the farmsteads are !&1/2 miles apart ! my question is ! does she want to approach me personally at my place ? so theres not anyone else around to itnerfere in a conversation ? as in before she left me a note saying " I hpoed to see you here" Eve: your thoughts? m
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Sorry about my previous confusion on your question. I understand what you are saying now.

If she left you a note saying that she was hoping to see you at the farm, then it may be that she wants to see you one on one and doesn't want anyone else involved. She is going through a lot right now and may need that time with you. It could be that she feels safe with you and wants that time, or she just needs to talk.

If you want, you could arrange something to see what she does, if you feel ok with that. Given her behavior so far, it seems she is still interested so you can assume that the note meant she means she wants to be near you for some reason.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate ! the note was last November! not now! ps:it has been suggested that I contact her ! ps someone suggested they would take some photos & camera phone them to her your thoughts! m
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

If you feel you cannot trust her not to hurt you in some way, (I'm assuming that is the issue since someone suggested you take a camera with you), then you may want to meet in a more public place. Even if she wants to meet you in an isolated place, there is no reason to risk anything just to do as she asks. If it's important enough to meet with you, she'll do so in a public area. Then you can determine if it is safe enough to meet again.

 

Contacting Eve would be nice, but it all depends on how you feel about it. If you feel you want to, then by all means do so, as long as you feel nothing worse will come out of it. It's when the bad outweighs the good that there is reason to back off. But it has been a while and she may be adjusting to things a bit better so if you think it's worth it, you can try it.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate: ps: just have a friend send pics: of my new porch etc: "m"
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Ok, I understand. Thanks, Marvin!

.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate your thoughts? m
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
That might be a good idea. It depends on your intention with them. What do you hope to do?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate! we vfelt it would be a good way too start communicating again! your thoughts ! "m"
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Yes, it would be. It was a very nice gesture on your part to do those things for Eve and it would foster good feelings for her to see that. You may want to show her in a lighthearted manner so she does not feel that you expect her to be grateful (which of course you don't, but she may interpret it that way). When you show her, talk to her about how much you enjoy the ideas she had and that you find all the improvements to be great additions to the home. I think that will give her the chance to not only be reminded of all you did together, but how special you are to her and how well you treat her.

.

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate! ps: people have said !! she now knows what shes missing! thats why she comes out & looks at now seeing her drawings in real life form& the fact I not only made them happen ! its that I went forward with or without her ! re: "confidence in ones self" your thoughts ? ps: she has no home ! re: just an apartment! "m"
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I agree! She is missing a lot by not being with you. But for some reason, there is something that is keeping her away. Once she sees that you did go ahead with her wishes, she may change her mind. If she does not, then there is something going on with her that is blocking her from seeing the relationship as a priority. It may be an issue with her disability or something else.

.

If you are able to reconnect to her and she does not want to come back to the relationship, then you may need to ask her about it to find out why. Hopefully, though, she will see that being with you is what she wants and that you care about her. But if it does come to that, you and I can talk about how to approach the subject.

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.