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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3033
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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I feel I wasnt completely over my divorce before I began a

Resolved Question:

I feel I wasn't completely over my divorce before I began a new relationship and its torn us apart to the point we almost split up,I feel I should leave to try and find myself but scared to abandon her at the same time
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

how has it affected your current relationship.

CoachJenK :

I am glad you have reached out here and have some insight into what is going on for you. A divorce or any ending of a relationship can be very traumatic and we all need time to heal.

CoachJenK :

You connected with this woman because you needed that connection and that is okay.

CoachJenK :

I do believe there is a way to find yourself and not abandon her either.

CoachJenK :

If it is communicated to her and how you are feeling and what you need to heal and move on, i think progress could be made.

Customer: I feel like I should leave so that I can have the time needed to heal and I talked with her about that last night
CoachJenK :

and how did she respond to it?

Customer: She understands that I'm at a tough spot and everyone heals differently
CoachJenK :

That is a good thing to hear...so is there a way for you to leave and take care of yourself and feel okay about doing so?

Customer: I hate to leave and I would have to make myself leave but maybe that will be the only way for me to heal
CoachJenK :

you may also consider getting into some face to face counseling so you can deal with the grief and loss

CoachJenK :

and maybe not have to leave fully then but a slow down of sorts...are you living together?

Customer: I will feel sorrow for leaving her but I'm trying to look at the bigger picture of how much better I can be cause I'm not the man she met that man was happy and care free and just one day the depression and anger came back over my ex
CoachJenK :

I tend to agree with you and you sound like you are pretty clear.

CoachJenK :

you need the time to take care of yourself and let yourself work through this anger and depression

Customer: Yes were living together, its her house, I feel maybe me living by myself and seeking counseling will be best but its still very hard
CoachJenK :

I think it is a great plan and yes it will be hard and could increase your depression but if we get you set up in counseling then we at least know you have the support

CoachJenK :

I can help you locate

CoachJenK :

someone if you need help

Customer: i have a person in mind that I feel I could talk to he's a pastor at a church, its just hard for me to admit I need to seek help and possibly help from a dr
CoachJenK :

I must say you have already taken that step and reached out here which is wonderful.

CoachJenK :

I think the pastor is a great start but I believe you will benefit further from a therapist.

Customer: it will hurt me to leave this girl, but im also hurting her by being this way, she dont understand why i cant just get over it
CoachJenK :

not that easy to get over it if you have fully processed it all

Customer: very true. i will admit when i got divorced i seeked zero help and just drank to deal with it but a good friend of mine said he seeked help and is way better off than me
Customer: i was married for 4 yrs have a little boy and my ex cheated on me the whole time so its just not divorce issues its that
CoachJenK :

yes and the drinking was a way to avoid the pain and it only masked it and now you are left with all of the feelings

CoachJenK :

exactly. It is so much deeper than that. Infidelity not being with your Son...absolutely devastating. you deserve to get support and there is NO shame in that.

CoachJenK :

be kind to yourself

CoachJenK :

see it as a gift to yourself rather than something to be ashamed about.

Customer: i packed up and left town for a new job cause i couldnt live in the same town as her and got somewhat better but not fully better
CoachJenK :

it takes quite some time to get over betrayal

CoachJenK :

and "running" doesnt really solve it...it only delays

Customer: I didn't know what else to do at the time besides run...I met this girl 3 months after I was divorced....realized now it was too soon
CoachJenK :

yes the rinning served you well then...nothing wrong with it but now as you can feel it is painful for you.

CoachJenK :

so you truly know what you need to do for yourself and there will be pain involved but you are in tremendous pain. you have suffered so much and been betrayed.

Customer: Running was all I could think of to do, then I met thos girl 3months after my divorce and realized it was too soon
CoachJenK :

You deserve that safe space to explore it all and feel trust in yourself again and then trust in another...that takes time

CoachJenK :

yes it makes perfect sense.

Customer: should i leave and sort my issues out
CoachJenK :

so now it is YOUR time.

CoachJenK :

I cant tell you to leave or not...I can help you sort out what feels right for you.

CoachJenK :

I do believe you deserve the time and space to heal and however that needs to happen I support.

CoachJenK :

how are you feeling having reached out here?

CoachJenK :

There may be some technical issues..I am still her to support you. If you are satisfied with our work together please click accept and come back anytime.

CoachJenK :

Im still here.

Customer: i feel better about finally reaching out. its almost been a year since we filed for divorce and this is the first time i have talked to somebody about it
CoachJenK :

That is a huge step for you....shows me you are on your way and you can do it.

Customer: one thing that hurts the most is that i raised my son from day one and i feel he was taken from me
CoachJenK :

beyond painful and her inappropriate behavior caused that to be...the split from your son

CoachJenK :

it is shattering to experience what you have.

CoachJenK :

you got married with hopes and dreams. had a son and then all ripped from you because of her infidelity

Customer: people tell me it will work out for the best and i know it will its just all still very hard
CoachJenK :

it will work out for you and you will feel strength again and that does not take away anything you are feeling now and the pain you have experienced

CoachJenK :

technical issues again.

CoachJenK :

is it kicking you on and off?

Customer: i should have gotten some help after it ended cause it ended horribly. and i never did anything to help me get over it all i did was do things to cover it up
CoachJenK :

it was self preservation at that point...so lets do that now for you and i think it should be more than the pastor

CoachJenK :

can i help find you someone? you can still come to me anytime I just believe face to face would be so wonderful for oyu

CoachJenK :

please let me know how else i can support you

TherapistJen and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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