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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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I can barely breathe. I just sent him this: "However, I

Resolved Question:

I can barely breathe. I just sent him this:

"However, I do think we are done. I don't want any drama, please don't worry."

I just could not stand it anymore. If you are online, can we chat for just a moment?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Jean replied 2 years ago.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

hello this is Jean

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I don't blame you for writing that!

Customer:

Hey

Customer:

I am just fraught with worry

Customer:

What if he explodes at me? And says he can't believe I would do that to him in the middle of the draft?

Customer:

Or if he says "This whole time I needed to leave her in order to be with you and I can't believe you would ditch me now," or something like that?

Customer:

Or "in order to even *think* about being with you"

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Of course you are worried! You do not deserve to be treated this way. I'm sorry it's difficult but it's now time to concentrate on you and your needs. It's not like you've only been waiting a day or two- this has gone on way too long. If he blows up express yourself.

Customer:

And tell him what?

Customer:

I mean, the timing is bad.

Customer:

Or what if he says the latter, about now he has left her and he can't believe I would leave him now?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He's not given you the information that you should wait for him, or that he planned to leave her to be with you...No time is good for something like this. Tell him you are hurt and you need information, if he isn't willing to give you info. you expect that means the end?

Customer:

What information do I want?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He may respond with anger, but I'm sorry is that an easy out for him "work", you can not be on the back burner all the time.

Customer:

I guess maybe he has already given me the information...he keeps telling me he doesn't think he can give me what I need right now...maybe I just should have said this, made a definite break, before. He has said that he has no idea what he wants to do with his life...but that he is not ready to eliminate me from his life...

Customer:

is that like having your cake and eating it too?

Customer:

Yes, work is always his out, but he has also told me this spring that if he were going to leave her it would be after the draft (not in any context that involved coming to me)...and as far as work being his out, this is like him getting ready to star ina huge movie or something...he always feels like his whole career, his whole life, hinges on it.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Wanting him to tell you if there's anything to hang on to, are you wasting your time waiting and waiting, for what you do not know. It does sound like cake and eating it too. You've been oh so accomodating for him and not so sure you are up to the task of doing that anymore, without hurting yourself. He's married to a wife and work huh? Where are you in this?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I understand the work thing is really big- do do you wait til it's done- set a deadline for then?

Customer:

I already sent him what I sent him

Customer:

to make things even more fun that other guy has called me 3x this am

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's okay you sent that

Jean N/20pluscounts :

See you are desirable!

Customer:

After the draft, he has to work on signing whomever he drafts. And plus, if he goes home to his house...who says that is any better>

Customer:

?

Customer:

(yes but that is the other guy who talked nasty about me to the other girl)

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If you see that guy consider a date vs. the other- oh ya that guy-

Customer:

My point about Neil is, as long as is is dring the season, which will take about another month, he will have an ironclad excuse. Which sadly is I am sure what his wife is thinking also.

Customer:

And if I have to wait a month, I will weigh 98 lbs.

Customer:

and have no hair.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

So work may be something easy for him to hide behind- and that you just need to understand?

Customer:

Another couple of months, actually, because after the amateur stuff is cleaned up, he will do pro coverage. Basically, it can be his excuse for as long as he wants it to be.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

No doubt this will be difficult-yikes-but you have to take care of you- you first for once.

Customer:

Maybe he really DOES just want to sit in a log cabin with his computer.

Customer:

But that is such a chicken s**t way to live your life.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He's cutting you off, getting to uncomfortable and doesn't sound like he does uncomfortable too well- avoid, deny. The river of "denial" is an amazing thing.

Customer:

And he says "this is not what I want to talk about right now" when I approach him about something, or "I just can't talk about this right now," or "I don't know that I can give you what you need right now."

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It does sound cowardly- as soon as things get a bit too complicated- who knows what came down leaving his wife.

Customer:

The other possibility is, what if he does not answer me at all?

Customer:

That will almost make me more angry.

Customer:

He could just go on cmplete overload and not say ANYTHING.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Lots of excuses and yes a very easy out to hide behind work- anger you will feel for sure.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If he does not respond and shuts you down- you have had enough!

Jean N/20pluscounts :

How powerless, helpless, and "small" you feel in this big mess.

Customer:

I would assume they have meetings today...I would assume he will be up soon if he is not already...

Customer:

I can't cry in front of my children, i mean i can't just lose it...

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your children are what you need to concentrate on- they deserve you- love- what you need right now.

Customer:

My head knows that.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You will hold it together the best you can.

Customer:

We are supposed to go do something with my ex husband this afternoon. I will let you know, of course, once I hear from N, assuming I do hear from him...

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes let me know- try and enjoy your day

Customer:

But you DO think this was the right thing for *me*, for me to do, even though he says he is in such a very bad place right now?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

We can leave the live chat and come back to that later. Yes it's okay- you've have waited long enough.

Customer:

We can come back to the chat later?

Customer:

But how dare I do this to him during the draft?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

We should be able to come back to live- I won't change it to question and answer- hope that will work. You are in a good place? He's in a bad place?

Customer:

What do you mean?

Customer:

You mean that I am also under a lot of stress?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If it's not the draft it's other demands of his work. I mean he's in a bad place so leave him alone, but you are also in a bad place and you need him to communicate with him.

Customer:

okay. will keep you posted.

Customer:

THANK YOU.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome!

Customer:

Hey - I wonder if it will tell you that I am here?

Customer:

It is almost noon, 1145, and if they are starting their meetings at 9am today as they have for the past several days, he will be going into a meeting soon. Nothing, no word. At noon I am going to have my boys get out from in front of the computers and TV (we have not been watching all morning, just since 10) and get them dressed and go do some stuff.

Customer:

Then there will be no telling, and there is no telling when he would be able to respond if he is in meetings, and there will be no knowing if he is in a meeting or not. And I still feel like I am about to hurl.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Sorry I missed you it is still the live chat function and we can keep it that way for now. Good idea to get out, fresh air, sunshine -can be a good mood booster-whatever helps. He's the one who has created this chaos and if it "disrupts" his day so be it. This all a consequence of his actions.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm here if you want to chat a few minutes

Customer:

hey - listen, if it were up to me, i would stay in bed all day and watch bad tv.

Customer:

but obviously, with the boys, that is not an option.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That sounds like a perfect day considering what's going on- whatever it takes sometimes. Your family forces you to face the world.

Customer:

what if he is incredibly angry at me for doing this during the draft and that's just how things end?

Customer:

and if i had just been patient...

Customer:

if he says i am unbelievable or whatever like he did before?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Time with the boys will help a bit- diversion- not that you will stop thinking about it. Angry at you- he didn't give you enough information to keep you patient.

Customer:

i guess i am feeling guilty?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I think you then go right back into the conversation telling him all that you ask is for a little information, is it on or not.

Customer:

because I IKNOW what an incredibly big deal this is for him. and i KNOW how distraught he must be...

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You do not know what direction to go and it's unfair to keep you hanging.

Customer:

i am so sorry, i will not keep going around in this circle, but what if i tell him that, that i did not know what direction to go in and could not keep on with things as they were, with no input from him, and just needed a firm break, and he says, what more information did you want than that i left my wife?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He knows one way or another if he wants to be in a relationship with you or not by now, or least the direction he is leaning-you deserve an answer whatever direction.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I think you will keep going in circles- part of the craziness

Customer:

it sounds like you think he does not.

Customer:

(want to be in a relationship with me)

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm truly not sure

Customer:

i feel pitiful for even asking this, but there is still a chance that things could turn out okay?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are not asking him to move in or anything- you've had few demands/expectations

Customer:

(between he and I)

Jean N/20pluscounts :

There's always a chance but please consider if this man can provide you with want you need and deserve

Customer:

so what AM i asking for? no, I am not ready for him to move in, etc.

Customer:

you said the other day you were an optimist, LOL.

Customer:

(gallows humor)

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Right- for him to take a few minutes to be more clear on what's going on is not too much to ask. I wonder if he is undecided but he needs to tell you that if so.

Customer:

He could just tell me, look, why don't i get through the draft, and let me talk to you on friday when i get home.

Customer:

and have had some rest

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm an optimist in the sense that I have faith things turn out how they are suppose to. Exactly! He could say let me get through... and I will get back to you...

Customer:

regardless, if I can really stick to it at this point and NOT text him any more, then i guess it will make the point that i am serious about this.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's clear as mud where he's at.

Customer:

But if I stop reaching out to him, it will be more clear to him where I am.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

yes making the point you have a voice, needs etc. by not texting him.

Customer:

And at least I know from his text the other day that he does realize that this is bad, what he is putting me through.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- by not texting you come across less desperate, stronger.

Customer:

okay. i will try to breathe and keep all this in mind.

Customer:

i will text you from my cell if I hear from him while we are out.

Customer:

this just sucks.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes- do the best you can with what is going on. Yes let me know

Jean N/20pluscounts :

sucks the life out of you

Customer:

i am so sad.

Customer:

and so angry.

Customer:

but very grateful for you.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm sorry- anger is sad turned inside out- glad I can help a bit with all this

Customer:

Hey - are you here?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I'm here now

Customer:

hey i am back

Jean N/20pluscounts :

ok

Customer:

so I am home now

Customer:

and the whooooole night looms ahead

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes the nights can be long when you have a lot on your mind.

Customer:

on top of everything else, I am a 43 yo woman who has to have her mother help her pay for meds right now (I promise, you would not think I was such a loser if you looked at me)

Customer:

and i told mom it would be about $70 and it was twice that. i am concerned she is going to flip, and I do not need ONE MORE THING to stress me out right now, but there is no way I can give her the backstory on all of this.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are not a loser you are someone in a difficult spot right now- you are not your finances-

Customer:

she knows about Neil and I told her that he left his wife but she has zero patience

Customer:

and i understand. she thinks i need to be concerntrating on other things right now.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

your mom has zero patience for your relationship with Neil?

Customer:

but funnily enough, when she first met my father, he was married, although she did not know it, and when she found out (from my father's first wife writing her some wacko letters, good thing they did not have text back then) she told my dad to hit the road. it was almost five years but then she was back in florida where he lived at the time and she just thought to look up his name in the phone book, she called him, and he was divorced, they started dating, and bam, they were married.

Customer:

that's right. she has little patience.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Mothers know best right? Hey and you can't tell by looking at people that they have $ problems.

Customer:

maybe her life story is why i have had such patience with Neil, I don't know.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Interesting history with your family-

Customer:

well, and I mentioned to you the other day that Neil's parents are divorced and his dad is remarried to the woman he left Neil's mom for.

Customer:

I don't know. maybe all of that plays a role in all of this.

Customer:

i just completely feel like someone has sucker punched me in the gut.

Customer:

and I can't imagine what he is feeling right now...i go back and forth from thinking he is pissed off at me, to just that he is a zombie...I don't know.

Customer:

if 24 whole hours pass and I do not hear from him, i guess i will have my answer for sure.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

It's difficult hurts every part of you I'm sure, probably no appetite because of it. I'm sure you would love to be a bird on the wall watching him- get a glimpse of what he's up to.

Customer:

(or do you think I am just being naive and I already do?)

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I don't know this man but something is up.

Customer:

i almost typed to you earlier that i wondered if his wife is pregnant...

Customer:

but according to him, and I really do believe this, they really do not have sex...

Jean N/20pluscounts :

omg that would complicate everything-

Customer:

which is weird bc he is VERY male.

Customer:

and i do NOT mean to sound mean about his wife.

Customer:

or, hell, maybe she is cheating too, and he is stunned.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

That's a whole other world his life with his wife.

Customer:

i mean, if you met them at a social function you would go away thinking that they were a very mismatched couple.

Customer:

i know both of them separately, obviously.

Customer:

anyhow. i do not know what I am going to do about tonight, because I also have had so little sleep I feel like a ghost, and I just cannot get a firm grasp on what i think or feel anymore.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Oh I forget that you know her- This is all up in the air for you- you are stunned from being sucker punched. Whatever you feel is normal to this crazy situation

Customer:

alright, well, i guess i had better go make my kids some dinner...it seems like it has been between 9-10 each night when i have heard from him, but i guess i am not counting on it. speaking of counting, i did count the number of words in his text from last night: 12.

Customer:

after I triied so hard to get what I said *exactly* right.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Sleep is important- taking care of yourself in order to be up to the task of coping with all of this. This is draining for you. Ok have a good evening.

Customer:

i wonder if he is going to be pissed at me, or is pissed at me, for piling on the pressure?

Customer:

or will be pissed at me for deserting him just when he has left his wife and "needs" me?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

He may very likely come across that way but you are not asking for hours of his time. You have not deserted him he knows you are devoted to him in the end.

Customer:

you are sure he knows that.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

yes- he just needs to work harder to meet your needs to keep it that way.

Customer:

and he knows that too?

Customer:

for sure?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You didn't say anything definite, it's up to him to ask you questions about what you wrote, and allow you to do the same.

Customer:

but i know he won't be able to engage in a long back and forth about this while he is out there. that much i do know.

Customer:

he won't have the time for that or be able to sustain it emotionally at this point.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Your message to him left room for him to comment I'm sure. Yes you have to strike a balance but like you said this has been happening for awhile now- they must get down time.

Customer:

but i guess as we said earlier, we would just like for him to say, can you please just let me get past the draft and then we can sort this out?

Jean N/20pluscounts :

If he told you that he hasn't the time but expresses how he feels to you- you would be good to go.

Customer:

he has a roommate while he is out there. they are always surrounded.

Customer:

No, i mean, an acceptable result from him would be, "I know that there are a lot of questions, but can you please let me get past the draft and then we can talk?"

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes exactly what you just said. You would be good to go meaning more able to be patient if he said to hold on til a certain time. Well hope for the best- get some rest-continue to be strong. You are a survivor I can tell.

Customer:

ooooooh.

Customer:

thank you.

Customer:

i will let you know.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

You are welcome!

Customer:

like cockroaches.

Customer:

will ttyl.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

I missed that one cockroaches?

Customer:

a survivor. like cockroaches.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

YES YES!!

Customer:

LOL. I am going to accept this (I finally just did the monthly thing) and then start a new one, ok??

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Ok thanks!

Customer:

i mean start a new one later.

Jean N/20pluscounts :

Yes that's great I appreciate it.

Customer:

assuming there is something to tell. ok will talk to you then.

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)
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Jean
Jean
Mental Health Professional
433 Satisfied Customers
Masters degree in counseling, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW)