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Ask Dr. Rossi Your Own Question
Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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dont know if I had an emotional affair or if I was a victim

Resolved Question:

don't know if I had an emotional affair or if I was a victim of an old friend who is a sociopath.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 5 years ago.

Dr. Rossi :

Good Morning,

Dr. Rossi :

Would you elaborate a bit

Dr. Rossi :

Both are possible

Dr. Rossi :

A sociopath clinical term - Antisocial Personality Disorder can easily deceive others for their own gain

Dr. Rossi :

If you've got a trusting nature, it's possible that you were lured by what he said and did

Customer:

This was an old friend who I slept with once as a teenager. There had always been sexual tension between us but we never did anything about it except that one time. We were just kids and we both moved on except when I was about 20 he came into the place where I worked and waiting for my shift to end. He was a newly wed with a pregnant wife ... said he never found anyone else like me wanted to be with me and I said, no because he was married with a kid on the way. Never heard from him again until last year on facebook ... 30 plus years later. He did lure me in with I remember your perfume, etc., etc. After he got me hooked he just disappeared. Now I feel like it was some kind of sick revenge

Dr. Rossi :

What transpired after the two of you connected on Face Book?

Customer:

start politely enough, talk about present, then talk about past. He pushed for meeting early on and I kept saying no. He complimented me a lot. Then progress to light flirting back and forth and then he started to pry into my life and use it against me I think

Dr. Rossi :

Behavior can be goal oriented. If you sensed some sociopathic behaviors, it could of been revenge or just simply playing a mind game.

Customer:

What is the difference?

Customer:

between mind game and sociopath? He humiliated me in the end.

Dr. Rossi :

Or, to give him the benefit of the doubt, he could of realized that what he was doing is harmful (in the event that he was still with a partner) or even realized that he was chasing a fantacy (what you had so long ago was then, and the reality is different now).

Dr. Rossi :

Did he say something to make you feel humiliated specifically or just because of him vanishing all together/halting the communitcation?

Customer:

No he became demeaning toward the end.

Dr. Rossi :

That is harmful behavior. It could of been premeditated from the start too.

Customer:

it was very painful to be treated that way ... verbal insults after so much attention on the front side.

Dr. Rossi :

Yes, of course. Did you end it in time? Did you confront him?

Customer:

I did confront him. He just withdrew. Then I apologized for old time sake and wanted to be friends. Then I felt stupid for apologizing.

Customer:

I'm just very, very confused.

Dr. Rossi :

You didn't do anything wrong. You were trusting and open to the idea of reconnecting on some level whether emotional or otherwise

Dr. Rossi :

You've got to accept that this is not something you caused to happen. Those with sociopathic traits don't generally care for the emotions of others

Dr. Rossi :

You may be feeling guilty for trusting. But, trusting is human and you did not know what will happen in the end.

Customer:

That helps. And I read they are very good at faking emotions they don't really have ... so everything could have been a lie from the beginning.

Dr. Rossi :

Yes, those sort of individuals are good at deceiving others for their own gain in the end. The behavior is self centered.

Customer:

because it doesn't really make sense otherwise to me. there is no reason to be so mean, so cold, we never did anything that would stop us from being friends except his sudden meaness in the end.

Dr. Rossi :

Think of the behavior of someone who's a con artist. You know they can appear charming and trustworthy, yet it is a facade.

Dr. Rossi :

In order to heal and move on, you realize you've got to even at some point let go of trying to rationalize why he did this. People do things for all sorts of reasons even out of pathology. You were caught in his way and you were hurt.

Dr. Rossi :

In a way, you saw behind the mask he had put on and it is fortunate that it ended before something more took place.

Customer:

Yes, that's how I feel conned. Because I invested all this emotional energy because he asked me to. He would say ... I am going to be on-line at such and such a time if you want to chat and then it became more expected. Once I was on vacation and he kept messaging me and acted insulted that i wasn't on-line talking to him. It was shortly after that things went downhill.

Dr. Rossi :

Try to forgive yourself for having fallen into his trap. There really is no way you would of known what was to happen right?

Dr. Rossi and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you