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RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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emotional affair recovery and how to handle

Resolved Question:

emotional affair recovery and how to handle
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  RealSupport replied 4 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Whenever betrayal happens it becomes a painful reality to deal with.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times the most common defensive reaction is to deny reality, even more if you found out about it through ways the other person could justify as abusive, disrespectful, since his privacy was noth respected.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it is true we all need and deserve out own privacy, but that does not deny the fact that when we find out about betrayal, we need to confront it and work on things as responsible adults.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Pushing does not help when something like this just happens, but it has been 6 weeks since you found out and he has not contacted you at all, and that is unacceptable. When no accountability, respect and caring are present in a relationship, even more a long term relationship like yours, when a scenario like this appears, it painfully shows you how weak the ground of the relationship could happen to be.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Emotionally you could and should take initiatives to establish dialogue and discuss your situation, and he will continue to decide if he is open to it or not. But you own property and this situation creates conflicts at the material - legal level, and you cannot afford neglecting it considering he has chosen to leave this way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I recommend you getting legal advice about your rights as the wisest approach to prevent further unpleasant surprises. Then, to contact him and let him know your need to talk about everything in your relationship. Depending on his response-reaction you would have to reassess your situation and develop an action plan.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Both, individual and legal counseling are necessary for you to cope with this situation better and increase your chances for a positive outcome, ideally healing and further growth in the relationship, or for taking good care and protecting yourself in case he continues to show lack of accountability, respect an caring.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he happens to be open to work on things, couples counseling should be seriously considered as the best tool to support such process.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I will be here to support you as necessary. Thus please feel free to contact me for any further assistance.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

It was by accident I saw the email communication from a new loan agent regarding a new property he just purchased. I was using the internet and the email was left open by mistake. He was asking her to have dinner with him and she said she would love to ., but she is very busy right now , but she would love to at a later date. My partner agreed and said he would wait patently and he would love to see her as well. . with a couple of those moving winks.. and a final . Please do not forget about me. He was not happy that I saw it.. Legally I own half of the propreties and this loan agent is aware of that as well because of the credit qualifying . I am wondering if I do nothing and wait for him ? If I call or text or email.. he will not answer.. Not sure how to approach this gently without any attorneys .. possibly leave message that we should meet and discuss the items we share. ?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you did not do anything wrong but as you explained, it was by accident that you happened to become aware of it and what made things much worse was his reaction and decision on totally ending communication with you instead of facing it in a responsible, accountable and proactive way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have made your best but he remains keeping 0 communication and that's what concerns me the most. It's been already 1.5 months since he practically disappeared and has not allowed any form of communication. Based on experience I do not recommend to avoid facing this challenging issue in order for it not to become a bigger ones, since in this case we are not only talking about emotional and adult respect, caring and responsibility, but about material property, and at this point he is showing you through his concrete actions that he is not trustworthy, thus the more you delay handling this issue the higher the risk unpleasant surprises you could prevent would arise.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he continues not wanting to even talk about your relationship and remains practically totally withdrawn, showing you he is not in the relationship anymore, there is nothing more you could do about it, regardless of how painful it could be after 5 years together. But your property and money are a totally different matter and you cannot afford allowing anybody to misuse or abuse you at that level.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not easy nor nice but it is necessary. With his current behavior he is showing not just a very neglectful but also abusive approach towards you, this is very serious and requires you to be very careful, assertive and proactive. Let's hope he finally chooses to reply and work on things.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for having accepted the response. Please feel free to contact me for any further support. Hope things get better soon.

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