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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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is there a way to come back from a comment that he no longer

Customer Question

is there a way to come back from a comment that he no longer has feelings for me even though i am certain that with everything else going on in his life that the hurt is being or has been misdirected at me and that may be what has killed his feelings?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I am sorry to hear about your hurtful disappointment. It seems that if there was a lot of other negativity going on in his life that he would hold on to someone he cared about, just for support, if nothing else.

Do you thin that he said these words, that he no longer has feelings for you, as a spur-of-the-moment outburst or do you think that they were directed pointedly at you. They are quite harsh and direct. Words like this are quite final and are bound to deliver the message that the relationship is over.

Are the weather issues keeping you from seeing him as well, or are they just impeding his travel?

It is possible, that he could have a change of heart and that he is very depressed.

I believe that you need to see him again, face-to-face and either confirm that he means what he said, or that he takes is back and apologizes. You need to either heal this relationship or have closure if it is indeed over.

I urge you to see him and give him a chance to confirm or deny what he says, because that will set your mind at ease even if the news is not good.. You cannot stay in limbo, wondering.

I wish you great success in finding resolution and moving forward with your life.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

To give a brief yet as detailed as possible overview:

We have been together nearly 4 years but do not live together - we live approx 4 hrs apart but over our relationship would usually see each other most weekends, historically until the last 3 weeks he would normally call me every night

* late last year his family sells there family home (property / ranch) and have been moving ever since which has impacted on our ability to see one another - he says he can't wait to get out but as it has been his whole life he must have some sense of loss

* December - he tells me thankyou for staying with him whilst his father was sick

* January - he suddenly puts an offer on a home that we have seen & i advised i didn't like - caused some animosity - his reactions were completely out of character from what i would have expected from him

* i speak to his mother to seek advice - she puts an end to his buying the house ( i am not certain about this though she definately put it on hold)

* march - another point were he told me he couldn't get past the house issue - i raise whether it is the issue that i told him i didn't like it or that the buying of the house didn't happen - he tells me the buying of the house - i tell him that those 2 things are completely seperate - at the end of the conversation i thought we had made a turn back in the right direction

* easter - we are meant to go away though he prefers to stay home with me - i support completely, makes quite a large item purchase to the value of $3500 for me (mower)

* i had been having some sotrm damage repaired so for the following 3 weeks after easter i stay home on weekends & paint, then 3 weekends to put furniture back etc

* i approach him to come and visit 2 weekends ago - wet weather caused issues with either of us seeing each other

* monday just gone he calls and tells me that he doesn't like where the relationship is going, i haven't been to see hime the past 7 weeks, i haven't called, he still can't get past the house issue (not buying) - i thought he understood & appreciated that i had to take some time out to focus on my house, i thought i was doing the right thing to give him some space as he too had been extremely busy with the move doing 5 trips in approx 10 days but i still maintained contact by messaging him every day or 2 to show i was still thinking of him

* i told him that i wanted to see him this weekend, yes it is raining but he is only approx 1 hr away at the new property but i do not have 4 wheel drive and he tells me my car won't make it, he has his truck and says he can't get it out - i have tried to call him today but he was busy so i let him go, then some hours later i messaged him and had no response, then a little while later i called again but had no answer so then i rang the house the manager lives at and spoke to him - he now tells me that he may be coming this way tomorrow so i can see him then but i know that it will only be for a small amount of time if it even happens

* how do i show him that we can get through this - i feel that he does love me but i also don't doubt that he is taking it out on me, the more he pulls away the more i love him and feel for him and want to do to make him understand that his unhappiness is not directly linked to me - he has admitted that he isn't happy with anyone / anything right now - me, his family, his truck etc, i am terrified that he has connected that anger with me when it is actually caused by someone else but i don't know how to help him see that i just wanted great outcomes for us, our future.

* when i contacted him a couple of days ago he eventually messaged back that he might talk to me later - though he didn't; when i spoke to him yesterday he told me we could talk last night - i wasn't sure who was meant to ring who, i messaged him last night to say i had arrived home and he never contacted me back, though i know now from our quick chat today that he put his phone on silent and went to sleep

* i don't know what i can do and i feel i am getting sadder

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear Anita,

I am sorry for the delay, which is due to our time differences (it is now early morning for me).

It seems as if your friend is very moody and does not handle stress very well. He is also a controlling person, and is perhaps manipulating you by being passive-aggressive. A prime example of this would be the incident of the house he put an offer on. He didn't consult you before hand, and when you indicated your feelings about the house - a MAJOR issue - he reacted with "animosity".

Your relationship is not straightforward. Calling, texting, visiting and communication in general seems to be more complicated than it should be, and it seems that you have to walk on eggshells to please him. You are constantly worried about the way he feels about you and in this way he manipulates you by keeping you off guard.

From your letter, it seems as if he sulks a great deal, and this is the way his passive-aggression works. Instead of replying to your texts and putting your mind at ease, he ignores you one way or the other. If he thought about your feelings in a positive manner he would have texted you to see he was putting his phone on silent and going to sleep - or just would have called and said a few kind words. He means to hurt your feelings. You are easier to manipulate.

You made this statement which reveals the process: "the more he pulls away the more i love him and feel for him". This is his method, which he does unconsciously, but it is his pattern.

The current dynamics of your relationship are, I believe, the way things will continue to be. You will always feel sad because you will always "disappoint" him in some way and will have to make it up to him. You often feel guilty about doing something wrong and always want to make things right. This is a very unhealthy relationship.

I don't know if you can break this pattern that he has learned over his lifetime. You must not apologize or act as if you have done something wrong. Don't ask him to visit, thus giving him the opportunity to disappointing you. Let him make the plans and welcome him when he comes, but don't allow him to act as if he is doing you a favour. If he has a weather related excuse, just tell him "fine" and you'll see him when he can make it. It he doesn't call or return calls, let him be the initiator of the calls. Always accept them happily but not as if he has just done something exceptional. If you love someone you stay in touch with them. Let HIM make the calls. You need to take more power and control of this relationship to make it more even.

During both letters you never addressed him other than as "he". You didn't call him friend, boyfriend, partner, fiance, or mention his name. You didn't use the word "my" when describing him. It made me think that you don't feel strongly connected to him or wasn't quite sure of his status. I mention this only because it seems out of the ordinary to me, who communicates daily with people in relationships.

You will do best to do what he has done: pull back on the relationship a bit. I know that your instincts are to rush in and fill the vacuum left by his own withdrawal, but it weakens you and doesn't stop your sadness.

You have reason to be sad. This relationship is not giving you the satisfaction you hope for a need and you think that you can change it. Perhaps you can change the dynamics to a certain extent, but you cannot change his personality or his manner of dealing with others. I recommend that you be positive but firm and hold your ground. If he sulks, it is not your responsibility to change that. That only reinforces his sulkiness and influences your emotions and behaviour. When he is in these moods, ignore him unobtrusively and let him stew. He might escalate to demand your attention and thus control you, but you would do best to remain neutrally aloof.

Things might change, but he may always be this way. Rather than make changes to himself, he will find someone else to control.

Nevertheless, I urge you to try working though a position of strength to see if things can be different. If they cannot, then you may want to consider moving on with your life in a less stressful and depressing manner. That is the only thing that you can control.

I wish you great success and perseverance. Try to figure out when to persevere, and when to give up if nothing seems to change.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Good morning Elliott,

I am actually suprised to see you talk about our relationship in this way as it never actually appeared to me like this and I'm not sure that I agree - perhaps in part but not to the full extent.

Yes moody / sulky but that is only the way he has been these past 6 months with everything going on. In saying that I also see now that that is also how his mother behaves with her husband and yes this is most likely a learnt behaviour. I know he doesn't like it when his mother acts this way.

I also find it interesting to see your comment about me calling him 'He' - I didn't want to use his name as I am not sure if anyone else has access to this but I cannot strongly enough say how much I do think of him as the other part of me, we are not engaged and after his comments this week and our limited communication I am not sure if we are together but I hope that we are. The term he seemed easiest to relay to you the parts directly relevant to him.

I am a huge believer in touch and communication being fundamental to a relationship - and these past 6 mths that has been harder are more disjointed for us - I also strongly believe that when we are together we are industructable and given that we have hung on for this long only a week or so off the end of the transition I am hoping to have some time together then to unwind and explore what we have gone through, what we have and hopefully where we can go but I am unsure of the questions to ask, how to help him open up about his pain, how to explore his feelings, how to support him to know that no matter what he has been through or how he feels I am there to help - I know everyone probably feels their relationship is the one but prior to the drama we truely were equal partners and he was there for me as much, our values were the same, our ideals etc.

I asked him when we spoke briefly Friday "if someone asked you if we were together what would you say" - he told me "I don't know". I had hope in that answer as at least it was "it's over".

I was reading some information yesterday and the question was 'if I knew that I could find someone else, anyone else & I won't be alone, would I want to hang onto this relationship?' I believe the answer for me is yes.

I had a thought yesterday when he told me last Monday about the feelings being less and he also said "I don't like were we are headed" that it was a bit of an oxymoron? - I'm not sure what it is that he pictured us as to where we were going - but surely if his answer to that is along the lines of falling apart then to say you don't like where it's going should inference that you want to fix it?

I worry that not communicating from my side will make him feel isolated further as he highlighted that recently, also will it not make it harder for him to reconnect?

Even though we are not married isn't it 'for better or worse, in good times and in bad', though their is no marriage licence shouldn't these be values to live by in a relationship?

How do I break down the walls?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear Anita,

Dear Anita,

You are very much the optimist, and perhaps this optimism will carry you through this hard time. His response to the question of whether or not your were together as a couple, saying "I don't know" had only a glimmer of hope in it. He was answering your "loaded" question; you put his on the spot.

You focus very much on the way things used to be and less so on the way they are now. It is, of course, possible to return, but conditions aren't exactly the sam as before.

I agree with you that if you are serious about a relationship, and trying to make it work, then you should operate on the basis of for better or for worse - but within limits. Those are real vows you make before God, friends, and family, and you make them when you are sure you can honor them.

Right now, you are still not ready for those commitments, but I agree that you should operate in good faith.

I also agree that you should do your best to have some time together and see if you can recapture your sense of mutual commitment. He has to first agree to spend that time together. Give it a chance if you get the opportunity. If you are still indestructible then you will triumph. If not then you will have to re-examine your future goals.

I wish you perseverance and the wisdom to discern which direction to move. I admire your patience and your belief in your ability to make this work.

I hope you can succeed.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

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