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To give a brief yet as detailed as possible overview:
We have been together nearly 4 years but do not live together - we live approx 4 hrs apart but over our relationship would usually see each other most weekends, historically until the last 3 weeks he would normally call me every night
* late last year his family sells there family home (property / ranch) and have been moving ever since which has impacted on our ability to see one another - he says he can't wait to get out but as it has been his whole life he must have some sense of loss
* December - he tells me thankyou for staying with him whilst his father was sick
* January - he suddenly puts an offer on a home that we have seen & i advised i didn't like - caused some animosity - his reactions were completely out of character from what i would have expected from him
* i speak to his mother to seek advice - she puts an end to his buying the house ( i am not certain about this though she definately put it on hold)
* march - another point were he told me he couldn't get past the house issue - i raise whether it is the issue that i told him i didn't like it or that the buying of the house didn't happen - he tells me the buying of the house - i tell him that those 2 things are completely seperate - at the end of the conversation i thought we had made a turn back in the right direction
* easter - we are meant to go away though he prefers to stay home with me - i support completely, makes quite a large item purchase to the value of $3500 for me (mower)
* i had been having some sotrm damage repaired so for the following 3 weeks after easter i stay home on weekends & paint, then 3 weekends to put furniture back etc
* i approach him to come and visit 2 weekends ago - wet weather caused issues with either of us seeing each other
* monday just gone he calls and tells me that he doesn't like where the relationship is going, i haven't been to see hime the past 7 weeks, i haven't called, he still can't get past the house issue (not buying) - i thought he understood & appreciated that i had to take some time out to focus on my house, i thought i was doing the right thing to give him some space as he too had been extremely busy with the move doing 5 trips in approx 10 days but i still maintained contact by messaging him every day or 2 to show i was still thinking of him
* i told him that i wanted to see him this weekend, yes it is raining but he is only approx 1 hr away at the new property but i do not have 4 wheel drive and he tells me my car won't make it, he has his truck and says he can't get it out - i have tried to call him today but he was busy so i let him go, then some hours later i messaged him and had no response, then a little while later i called again but had no answer so then i rang the house the manager lives at and spoke to him - he now tells me that he may be coming this way tomorrow so i can see him then but i know that it will only be for a small amount of time if it even happens
* how do i show him that we can get through this - i feel that he does love me but i also don't doubt that he is taking it out on me, the more he pulls away the more i love him and feel for him and want to do to make him understand that his unhappiness is not directly linked to me - he has admitted that he isn't happy with anyone / anything right now - me, his family, his truck etc, i am terrified that he has connected that anger with me when it is actually caused by someone else but i don't know how to help him see that i just wanted great outcomes for us, our future.
* when i contacted him a couple of days ago he eventually messaged back that he might talk to me later - though he didn't; when i spoke to him yesterday he told me we could talk last night - i wasn't sure who was meant to ring who, i messaged him last night to say i had arrived home and he never contacted me back, though i know now from our quick chat today that he put his phone on silent and went to sleep
* i don't know what i can do and i feel i am getting sadder
Good morning Elliott,
I am actually suprised to see you talk about our relationship in this way as it never actually appeared to me like this and I'm not sure that I agree - perhaps in part but not to the full extent.
Yes moody / sulky but that is only the way he has been these past 6 months with everything going on. In saying that I also see now that that is also how his mother behaves with her husband and yes this is most likely a learnt behaviour. I know he doesn't like it when his mother acts this way.
I also find it interesting to see your comment about me calling him 'He' - I didn't want to use his name as I am not sure if anyone else has access to this but I cannot strongly enough say how much I do think of him as the other part of me, we are not engaged and after his comments this week and our limited communication I am not sure if we are together but I hope that we are. The term he seemed easiest to relay to you the parts directly relevant to him.
I am a huge believer in touch and communication being fundamental to a relationship - and these past 6 mths that has been harder are more disjointed for us - I also strongly believe that when we are together we are industructable and given that we have hung on for this long only a week or so off the end of the transition I am hoping to have some time together then to unwind and explore what we have gone through, what we have and hopefully where we can go but I am unsure of the questions to ask, how to help him open up about his pain, how to explore his feelings, how to support him to know that no matter what he has been through or how he feels I am there to help - I know everyone probably feels their relationship is the one but prior to the drama we truely were equal partners and he was there for me as much, our values were the same, our ideals etc.
I asked him when we spoke briefly Friday "if someone asked you if we were together what would you say" - he told me "I don't know". I had hope in that answer as at least it was "it's over".
I was reading some information yesterday and the question was 'if I knew that I could find someone else, anyone else & I won't be alone, would I want to hang onto this relationship?' I believe the answer for me is yes.
I had a thought yesterday when he told me last Monday about the feelings being less and he also said "I don't like were we are headed" that it was a bit of an oxymoron? - I'm not sure what it is that he pictured us as to where we were going - but surely if his answer to that is along the lines of falling apart then to say you don't like where it's going should inference that you want to fix it?
I worry that not communicating from my side will make him feel isolated further as he highlighted that recently, also will it not make it harder for him to reconnect?
Even though we are not married isn't it 'for better or worse, in good times and in bad', though their is no marriage licence shouldn't these be values to live by in a relationship?
How do I break down the walls?