Hello. I'm really upet cause i just typed my answer and the page dosent seem to have sent it so I'll try to shorten it here. Basically I need to know if it seems like I have false memories or some kind of dillusion or something.
I've had a memory gap most of my life, I couldn't remeber anything from ages 5 to about 15. Long story short i wanted to try to fill in the blanks, so i tried praying and stuff. First I got very depressed, then i started hearing voices that told me to kill people. After a week or two multiple voices turned into one voice and told me I was God and I needed to judge the earth. For a while my thoughts and actions were out of my control and I started building weapons, and I would have vivid images of violence and sexual crimes. After a while (maybe 1-3 months) I regained enough control to go to a pyciatric emergency room where I was committed for a few days. They refered me to another clinic and, apon evalution, they recommended day treatment 5-7 days a week. I couldnt afford this so I continued on by myself. I rejected the voices and realized the problem had something to do with my lost childhood memories so i put my focus there. I tried to use meditation
, but it was effective enough. All that happened is I heard a voice saying "you dont understand" over and over again. This went on for the better part of a year. I learned self hypnosis to increase my focus by disassociating from my surroundings. I started having memories of a man that would come into my room at night when i was a child. He would take me places and horrifically torture and kill people. Though these memories were vivid they didnt seem real to me, they were like imaginations, so I continued to dig deeper. Eventually I realized I was not at peace with myself and focused there. When I acheived peace is when everything changed. I now have memories of having two friends when i was young who were killed in gang related incidents, one of whom was shot right next to me. Once I regained these memories the voices and visions stopped and they actually feel like they're real memories; plus when I had first started I only had memories relating to this type of "second life" i was leading that I had been hiding, but when I got these memories I also started remembering normal things like stuff i did
at home and at school. The problem is... now that I have these memories of my friends I'm in intense pain all the time that never seems to let up. It just hurts more and more each day. That was almost an entire year ago today and I still cant get over the memories of losing my friends. I've starting looking for records concering there deaths, but I feel like its hopeless without the help of a professional (at a standard rate of $1900).
My real problem is that I cant tell if these memories are real or not. Because of my past history of visions and halluciantion I cant trust my own mind. Does this seem real, or does it seem I cant seperate what is true from whats imaginary? I could really use some help with this.