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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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I am 8 months into a relationship that reminds me of being

Resolved Question:

I am 8 months into a relationship that reminds me of being on a rollar coaster...awesome...fun...pinch me i must be dreaming... and then BOOM...fighting, breaking up, accusing, suspicion...Always on his part the suspicion and accusatory remarks and the breaking up follows when i react in disbelief and awe at the ridiculous comments that i am seing someone else or looking at another man...do i get out? he is wonderful to me when it is good...i am 50 and he is 49...our kids grown and gone. he three failed marriages, me one long marriage that failed. i want this to work but i feel it may be a hopeless romance doomed to fail.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

It does sound like a roller coaster....and the good is what keeps you there, but the bad seems pretty tough to me.

CoachJenK :

It is hard to just say get out, because you like him and enjoy him, but what i can say is there are some big red flags and it comes down to what you want in a relationship for yourself and with your partner.

CoachJenK :

There are some that need this type of chaos

CoachJenK :

i am not sure you do, but it seems like this is a pattern with him.

Customer:

hi

Customer:

yes i wonder if he is a drama junkie

CoachJenK :

I know it is early into the relationship but would you consider some couples counseling to understand this pattern and working through it?

Customer:

i think he needs counseling and he thinks i need counceling. we are both headstrong and stubborn...but those characteristics have served us well.

CoachJenK :

yes and they are great characteristics but they are bumping into each other making the fit between the two of you difficult...does that make sense?

CoachJenK :

that is why couples counseling could be a good option.

CoachJenK :

It also becomes an abusive pattern with the accusations, suspicions and then the remorse and making up

Customer:

honestly i don't think he would go for counseling

CoachJenK :

this is a tough way to live.

CoachJenK :

did this exist in your first marriage?

CoachJenK :

well if he wont go then it really will come down to how this dynamic plays out for you and what you want to do within it...live in this way or not.

Customer:

not at all like my marriage. he was the opposite, not engaged much. My boyfriend is very engaged in our relationship[ always talking about living together and getting married, very sentimental and sensitive.

CoachJenK :

feels deeply on all levels so the good is great and the bad abysmal

CoachJenK :

what precipitates a fight anything specific or that you can see a pattern?

Customer:

we were at lunch

Customer:

and the couple next to us asked if the shrimp was good. I answered yes

Customer:

When i turned back to him he had this angry look on his face

Customer:

I ignored it and he seemed fine until the guy asked me another question about the area...they were on vacation...and I answered he and his girlfriend, Also, attempted to invlolve my boyfriend in the conversation several times because he is from here and I am not originally

CoachJenK :

ok please go on

Customer:

he would not participate and said he was ready to leave. we were done eating anyhow so i said "ok". When we left the restaurant he went off on me about how I am so flirtatious and the guy was drooling over me...... I was shocked. None of that is true. I

Customer:

spoke with he and his girlfriend and they were in thier late twenties or early thirties.

Customer:

I am fifty!

CoachJenK :

It sounds a bit outrageous for sure.

CoachJenK :

his insecurities being played out with you

Customer:

I am friendly but even if I was flirty I would not flirt with a man who could be my CHILD!

CoachJenK :

so at 50 do you want the roller coaster or do you want something less volatile?

CoachJenK :

lol about your last comment

CoachJenK :

you were being warm and friendly to others that had engaged you...I see nothing wrong in that at all

Customer:

Honestly, I am an academic with a double masters and half way to a doctorate in clinical cell biology. I am not great at picking men. I trust and take everything at face value.

CoachJenK :

well again it all comes down to what you want for yourself

Customer:

I was a good wife and great mom...community active and church active... I'm not good at dating. No I don't want this drama.

CoachJenK :

you sound terrific.

CoachJenK :

so what boundaries do you want to set for yourself around this?

Customer:

well thank you. I need to let him go.

Customer:

My daughter is partially disabled at 23 from a car accident and he is also jealous of her when she and I spend time together.

CoachJenK :

ay you waited until the end to tell me that, huh?

Customer:

Maybe I had the answer to the question I asked you. I needed to hear it from someone outside of my life. Objective.

Customer:

Well, I didn't wait on purpose. does that change your answer?

CoachJenK :

of course you had the answer and yes it is wonderful to process it with someone objective. You are doing great here.

CoachJenK :

i know you didnt do it on purpose, i was being a bit silly.

CoachJenK :

doesnt change things for me..it solidifies my feelings but it is less important about my feelings and more important what yours are. I just point out the various angles and help you decide what works for you

CoachJenK :

if you say ill take the lows because I love the highs then I work from there while still bringing up what i see

Customer:

i can't take these lows...they are shooting the highs out of thier heaven

Customer:

the highs mean less and less as this goes on and on

CoachJenK :

ok so then it seems like you know the boundaries for yourself

CoachJenK :

and if he wont go to counseling then I dont think things can change much

Customer:

i do have boundaries. sad to me that a 49 yo man would be at this place in his life where we are so compatible and amazingly happy, but he is willing to risk it everytime he is insecure instead of working through

Customer:

...his insecurities he brings them out with me.

CoachJenK :

yes i agree with you. And to be jealous of your daughter even if she didnt have any issues since her accident is a bit over the top

Customer:

I have my own problems but I think I have modified my behavior in a way to not act out every insecurity or irrational thought

Customer:

yes. thank you. this helped very much

CoachJenK :

we all have our issues and it is how our issues match up with someone elses and in this case it seems to cause combustion rather than consistent connection

CoachJenK :

I am here anytime you need me. All you have to do is request me.

CoachJenK :

Is there any more support i can provide this evening?

CoachJenK :

so come back anytime and request me. If you found our time together tonight helpful please click accept.

Customer:

ok thank you

CoachJenK :

my pleasure

CoachJenK :

I am still here if you need to process more

Customer:

Coach Jen,

Customer:

I feel so disappointed in myself for letting myself go 8 months with someone who showed red flags from the beginning

CoachJenK :

not at all....please dont hurt yourself further by going down that road.

CoachJenK :

we all have hope and desire there is nothing wrong with that

Customer:

Maybe I am desperately alone?? I am not a seriel dater...boyfriend after boyfriend since divorce 7 years ago...

CoachJenK :

you havent met the one with a good fit...you had a long term marriage and it is not easy to come out of that

Customer:

I have had two and a half boyfriends in 7 years. the half was I thought he was my bf and he wasn't even close to calling me a gf

CoachJenK :

maybe you accept less because you dont think you deserve more...but you do

CoachJenK :

take some time on your own and fall in love with yourself for a bit

Customer:

it is hard to come out of a 16 year marriage

Customer:

i love the movie eat pray love...she is me...i am her...you know...

CoachJenK :

absolutely is....and i can truly see how after that you could accept less than wonderful

Customer:

i feel like i don;t know how to be anything but married. i liked being married very much.

CoachJenK :

and that makes sense..it works for you and this is hard.

CoachJenK :

you do need that time for yourself just like in the movie

Customer:

he liked me because i was so involved with our lives, school, community, church...he could have his other life which included many indescretionary relationships

Customer:

yeah...i do neesd time for me...how much time would you suggest?

CoachJenK :

your heart and gut will know how much time...you cant really put an actual time on that, but you need to heal, love yourself and grow.

CoachJenK :

do a mini eat pray love in your own version

CoachJenK :

find yourself again

CoachJenK :

in the ways that nourish you and your soul

CoachJenK :

you okay/

CoachJenK :

?

Customer:

yes, i am at work

Customer:

and had to answer a phone

Customer:

sorry

CoachJenK :

oh ok just wanted to make sure you are okay

Customer:

wow that is a great idea

Customer:

i hadn't thought of a mini version...i can afford a mini eat, pray, love

Customer:

:)

CoachJenK :

yes and it can be low cost version its more about what will help to nourish the soul

Customer:

thank you...gave me some nourishment here...food for thought...boundaries, and a mini love myself journey to heal my wounded ...ouch...hate to admit that.....soul!

CoachJenK :

love all of what you just said!!!!!!

Customer:

i've been running from that (wounded soul) since my divorce, even longer. my feet are tired time to rest. thanks again. maybe i will check back in the future.

CoachJenK :

I am so glad you can acknowledge that for yourself...that will help get you going on your road to healing. Yes please check back anytime. It has been a pleasure.

Customer:

me too...is there a way for me to print our talk?

CoachJenK :

I think if you cut and paste it into a word doc that should work. Dont click accept until you do that and I will keep it open until you tell me you did it.

Customer:

yes that worked. thanks

CoachJenK :

excellent.

CoachJenK :

feel free to provide feedback to me after chat ends

Customer:

i will ,namaste

CoachJenK :

namaste!!!!!!!

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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