How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
54658078
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi Kate. I had my appointment with Linda (obviously). It was

Resolved Question:

Hi Kate. I had my appointment with Linda (obviously). It was rough. Thankfully P's sister-in-law didn't mind driving my car because I am wiped. We're on our way now. I'm also glad we took 2 cars (since we have so much stuff to take up there) because I can't deal with P's brother right now.

So ... I told Linda that I needed her to push me. I said I want to do what I need to do to get through this as soon as possible. I told her it disturbed me that she suggested we just chat for the next few sessions, becaus that's not what will make me progress, and I felt like she knew that. She said yes. Shesai she didn't like being the "bad guy," but she can and she will. She said that the reason she asked me that is because there I only so much a person can take. I told her that I would hope we would both notice of I were at my limit and that I thought that we all have natural defenses and I would naturally protects self if it got to be more than i can handle. She said that I push myself in and out of therapy a lot more than most clients. She said "you probably knew that. ". I said I didn't know one way or the other, but I've been sitting on this forever and I want to get it resolved, so I would do what I needed to do. She said she felt like I pushed myself enough without her pushing. I said I needed her to push too, and not offer me easy was out. I said I knew it would get worse before better and it has been a lot worse since I started therapy, and even her trying to make things mor peaceful for now isn't going to make it as good as before, and that I was willing for it to be worse now because my expectation is that when I got through this, the sense of peace I will feel will be so much better than Even before I starte therapy. I told her i made an informed decision that it is worth it. She said okay. She understands and will do what I need.
I also told her we needed to stick to things and stop jumping around. She had asked me if I wrote out anything about the control issue, and I said no because we haven't addressed the last thing she had me write. I told her I felt like the telling it (although I hate it)it's be doing something because it really stirred up my feelings, and that I agreed we needed to stop periodically to deal with what comes up while we're doing that, but we can't just not get back to it. I said I felt like we never finishe anything and that I needed some structure. She agreed. So she listened and understood. And then pushed me to start with the telling again. It surprises me how long it takes to get out a small part of it. We talked about what I felt and I was pretty upset. Surprising, too, how quickly I fell back into feeling. So I guess it was good, but it was hard, and I am down and sad.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Shay,

It sounds like things went very well! You faced it and told her what you needed and from what you said, it sounds like she was very accepting. You set up some good boundaries regarding your needs and expectations in therapy which is going to help you reach your goal to work this through.

I can understand your feelings of sadness. What you are dealing with is hard and can get very raw. Plus you have to cope with your emotional abuse from childhood and how you were taught to repress your feelings. It can feel like a battle inside, trying to get these feelings out yet at the same time not wanting to. Repressing them again and quitting therapy would seem very appealing, since it makes the feelings go away quickly.

I get the sense though that you already know what will help you. It's instinctual for you, understanding that repressing is not helping and that the way to feel better is to work through how you feel. I think you even knew that as a child, that emotions were normal. Just from what you have told me about yourself as a child, seeking out an emotional connection with others in your life and getting the attention you needed tells me that you are healthy and know that it's normal to feel as you do.

I don't know if you and Linda talked more in depth about the pushing. Did you get the sense she understood what you meant by pushing you during therapy?

Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I think she understood. We talked about it quite a bit. I told her that of course this stuff is hard and unpleasant and I don't like doing it. It sucks. I would rather not do it. In fact, I would rather quit therapy altogether, but it wouldn't help me. So I need her to help me do what I need to do. I told her I trusted that she knew what I needed to do and I wanted her to help me do it and not offer to let me slack off. I asked her straight out if she had difficulty dealing with me when I am really upset, and she said no. I thought maybe that's why she hesitated to push me. It's like she can't watch me cry hard. She feels the need to stop whatever is making me so upset. But I thought I needed to be able to be upset to get through this.

I guess maybe I just get more upset sometimes than I should or maybe it's because when I get really upset I get silent and she's not sure what to do and then sometimes I can stop, but sometimes I can't and I cry.

I know I'm a mess and I know I probably seem like a big cry baby and I know others have a lot worse problems than I do. I am just sad. I do know what i need to do but I also feel like I have been doing what I need to do and I feel terrible and I am waiting to reach the bottom and start going back up.

Incidentally, Linda says that if I stopped therapy for a while, I wouldn't lose any ground. Do you agree? I don't. She said any corner I had turned, I would maintain my ground. I said I thought I would totally bury my feelings again and have to start over somewhat, although I wouldn't totally lose everything I have learned. I finally asked her if she thought I should stop therapy. And she said no. ???
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Shay,

It sounds like Linda was very open to your needs and willing to work with you. Overall, it seems that you have both worked it out so you can move forward and address your issues.

I noticed as you described how you perceive yourself in therapy, you tend to put yourself down. You say words like "cry baby" "I shouldn't get that upset" etc. There is a lot of self criticism and judgment on your part when you are expressing your deeper feelings in therapy. I was wondering where that comes from and if it is part of the resistance you feel regarding therapy. I do understand the feelings you have regarding facing your trauma and working through it and that is not what I am talking about here. What I mean is how you perceive yourself when you express your feelings and how that affects your view of therapy. Because you see how you express yourself as something wrong with you, then you may resist expressing your feelings or when you do, you put it on yourself as wrong and that others look down on you.

I agree with Linda, if you did stop therapy you would not go back to the way you were before. You have gained insight and there is no way to take that away. It's like understanding something- once you learn it, you can't unlearn it. But if you did stop therapy, you would stop your progress. You may grow some just out of your experiences, figuring out some things for yourself. But you would have to work through the resistance you feel to exploring your feelings (the pushing part that you want Linda to help with) and you would have to gain your own insights. Most people have a difficult time with that, even therapists who know how to do it. That is why any therapist who is having problems needs to see another therapist. They do not have the ability to see their own behavior objectively enough. So while stopping therapy is a choice, it is better for you if you do not.

I hope your trip is going well and you are getting in some fun!

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate:

It will be fun. I am about to go mow around the cabin. It's a big area and I live mowing. They got a new riding mower, so it will be more fun (the old one I had to spend an hour getting it to run). They're letting me now since I like it so much. And it needs it! It's beautiful up here. It's in the mountains, lots of green and pine trees, a creek in the back and a lake pretty close. I love it.

I slept really well last night.

About what you said - I do feel bad about myself or self conscious about getting so upset. I am surprised at how easily I cry now - especially in therapy. I'm not used to it being that close to the surface and ready to come out. And Linda's reactions reinforce that sometimes. I mean, she used to tell me it's okay to cry and to let it out, when she knew I was fighting it. But when I get really upset now, it's like she wants to stop it. If she feels the need to stop it or avoid my getting that upset, then there must be something wrong with it. But she won't tell me. I ask her and she says it's fine and I have a lot to cry about, and she even has cried sometimes. But that's not the message she gives me when I am letting go more. The messag is that I'm too upset and she needs to reign me in. So it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I can't help it sometimes, though. That was the only place I felt really safe letting I out, and sometimes it has been building, and I would cry there what I had been holding back for a week because I felt safe to do so there, I guess. But now I feel I can't too much, but I can't stop myself.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Shay,

It's great that you are having lots of fun at the cabin! From your description of it, it sounds like paradise. No wonder you slept so well last night.

It is hard to separate your feelings from Linda's reactions to it. But it's important that you see Linda's reactions not as a reflection on the right or wrong of your emotions, but as about her own issues. Crying in therapy is important. It's an expression of how you feel and it's never wrong. People react in different ways to it, but that doesn't matter. It's still not wrong to cry, even if you do it a lot. I know you have a history of having to repress your feelings because of how your parents reacted to your show of emotions, so this might trigger that for you. What do you think?

Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate:I mowed and weed Wacked for hours. It was fun and I almost got done, but I ran over a massive rock and broke the blades. So that's that for today. I'll have to get a blade in albuquerque and bring it up next time. I also broke the weed Wacker. Typical! :). (oh yeah, and i flattened one of the tires, too, running over a piece of metal) It is nice up here. And we brought several new mattresses, so I bet I sleep ven better tonight. I think you are right about my childhood issues playing into this. I have always avoided crying and this is all pretty new to me. When I actually feel the feelings, I feel like crying. I just do. I've never been in a position where I felt like crying so much. And I feel like it's wrong because that's what I always learned. Itakes me feel like I am weak and being dramatic an overreacting. And I am overly sensitive to people's reactions when I cry, I think. And I usually don't cry in front of anyone usually except Linda. I may misinterpret how Linda reacts because I am self conscious. I need to let go and let it out and I feel like that's the only place it's okay to do that. And I'm afraid that Linda is thinking I'm being over dramatic or that I shouldn't be so upset. I'm sure I'm probably projecting on her. But it's like I'm waiting for her to say "this is enough. Get over it. ". The thing is, I feel like crying a lot. I don't, but I feel like it. In fact, I feel like crying right now and I have felt that way since I was in my session with Linda. But I can't cry in front of everyone or anyone here and I can't lock myself in a room. We have work to do. It's weird, because for the last few weeks, I have been kind of numb about it. And after telling Linda just a little bit, all these feeling rushed back. And the crying. But it scares me that Linda might be fed up with it. She and you have said it is okay to cry, but did she really mean it? She might be trying to console me or support me and I'm interpreting it as her wanting me to stop crying. ?? I don't know. But I feel like a mess again. And I feel like I must be doing something wrong because I am getting more upset now than I have all along. And that doesn't seem normal. I seriously feel like breaking down and crying for days. What's wrong with me?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Shay,

Sounds like you are having quite the adventure today at the cabin!

I think Linda does mean it when she says it is ok to cry. It would be an odd situation if a therapist is uncomfortable with crying. But even if she was, the issue is about her and not you, just like it was with your parents. Their insistence on you repressing your feelings was totally about them, and not about who you are or what is normal behavior.

If she is consoling you, then she may feel bad you are upset but that does not mean she doesn't want you to cry. If you have a friend who is upset and cries, you want to comfort them in some way. Even if you are uncomfortable with the crying, you still feel compassion and you want them to feel better. Your crying probably brings out Linda's compassion and she wants to comfort you. But because you learned to read your parents as not compassionate but as irritated, you read Linda's actions as being the same as your parents, transferring your feelings as you said.

You may be getting more upset as you go along because you are learning how to get in touch with your feelings. The more you accept that it's ok to cry, the more you might cry. But crying will not hurt you. It actually is very good for you. And you won't lose control. You will stop when you are ready. The feeling that you want to cry and the crying for days is the sadness you feel about all that you have gone through. Your childhood, the losses from that and the trauma you suffered. All through those things, you never cried. So you have held back all these years, never allowing your feeling out. Now that you are accepting your feelings, they are coming out and seem overwhelming. But as you work through them, you will learn to regulate them and you will cry only when you feel the need to.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
3899 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.