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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5482
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have been doing so much better with my mess Kate but this

Resolved Question:

I have been doing so much better with my mess Kate but this past week has been tough for me and I need to reach out again for strength.

Last Friday I went home for work to pick up my daughter around 9 am and give her a ride to work. She agreed to meet me at my house and when I got there his work truck was there but our other car was gone. He took the day off without telling me. I went into the house and made the bed cleaned up the room and left. I then text him, “it would be a beautiful day to take the day off and take a ride in the jeep with the person you love. Too bad we have to work.” He text back “Yea your right but its cold and windy today.” He then text me a couple of times after that and finally called. I played it cool and didn’t say word. I got off around 2 and he was not at home so I left and meet up with some friend. Around 6 he started calling me when he got home and said hey someone wants to buy the refridgerator come home and help me sell it. When I got home he said where were you. I avoided question and asked if he enjoyed his day off. At this point I am numb. He lied and lied knowing I knew the truth saying he worked.

On Wednesday he came home around 6:20. He said I had an emergency. I said ok. He was buzzing and I said that’s not good practice to do work emergencies while drinking. He went off on me. I said no reason for the hostility I am not made just a comment. I stayed strong and he backed down and was nice. All night long he was touching me. In the morning when I got up he got up and was touching me. I never touched back or gave any affection back. I really didn’t want to.

We are moving into a new house. So he called me yesterday saying we can move the rest of the stuff in the house. I said ok. When I got home I started preparing things to be moved into the house. He got home late because he had something to do for work. He came home mad!! He was mad I was doing this and blew up. Then he was mad his Aunt was there helping. So we stopped put everything back his Aunt left and I went about my business. The more I was just doing my thing the madder he seemed to get. After a little bit he said you want to move stuff. I said no not tonight it is getting late and he got mad. He said fine I am leaving screw this. You do your thing and I will do my thing. I said okay if you don’t want to be around me that is fine. He said no I don’t and I said ok. It hurt me inside but I stayed upbeat and didn’t let it show. He didn’t leave and eventually came out of room and started talking to me nice. I talked back in a nice way. We ordered dinner and he had me order. I ordered what he asked for but when I got home he wasn’t happy with the way it tasted and threw a fit. He said it was because my Spanish was not good enough. I said you are welcome to order and he got madder and meaner. He said you always fight. You try to keep me locked in cage. You’re the worse of the worse of all the women I have ever known. You don’t need to be asking where I am let me be. I simply said it sounds like I am lacking qualities you are looking for so it probably would be best if we departed paths and moved on. He said fine but that is not what I am saying. What I am saying is you need to change or I am going to leave you. I once again said I understand and I am strong in my beliefs and am unwilling to change my morals. He then said again I don’t want you to leave I want you to change before you lose me. I said really, ok. I then just minded by business. All night long he tossed and turned and didn’t sleep good. When I left this morning I said by as normal. He took my hand and in a sexual act put it on his penis. He said look it wants you. I didn’t respond back and told him have a nice day and left. On my way to work he called and wanted to tell me about dog. Then he was telling me about his day. I said I hope you have a nice day. He said you to. I said bye and hung up.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
The thread must have cut off your question. Do you want to repost it?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Why does he put everything on me as problem. I just need advice on what do to beat him
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
It sounds like you have already done a very good job in not responding to his manipulations and abuse. Besides leaving him, what you are doing is the best option. Keep on ignoring his outbursts and his baiting behavior. Don't do things for him, allow him to do things for himself. When he talks to you with disrespect, walk away. Resist responding emotionally to anything and keep doing what you need to do, even if he tries to interfere.

He is probably doing what he is doing to you because he does not know any other way to relate to you (or anyone else he is in a relationship with). He may have a personality disorder, such as narcissism, which leads him to believe that what he thinks and feels is more important than anyone else's needs or feelings. Just his comments about you needing to change or you will lose him tells you that he sees himself as more important than you. If he does have a personality disorder, then it is unlikely he will ever get better unless he truly sees he has a problem. Otherwise, he will keep trying to get you to do what he wants you to do and he will keep being emotionally abusive.

He seems to respond to your emotional distance by altering his behavior. When you made the comment that it is ok if he does not want to be around you, he changed how he reacted. So it sounds like when you call his bluff, he doesn't follow through with this threats. Although that doesn't mean much overall, it is a way to protect yourself from his behavior.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5482
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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