Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
First, let me say the situation is very difficult. You do not believe he has any serious diagnosable mental health problem or you would have probably mentioned it. What we are left with is what I am afraid is not an uncommon situation: he is a young man with little life motivation who tends toward laziness and instant gratification and is rather self centered. And you are clearly loving and giving parent. I'm afraid this is not a productive combination. It feeds into his weakness: his self centered orientation lets him use you with now feelings of regret.
When you attempt to show signs of independence and of holding him accountable and responsible for his adulthood, his being an adult, he ups the manipulation from making you feel you owe everything to him to outright narcissistic aggression. This is a dangerous spiral and you must take action: for his sake but for your own sake as well.
I am so sorry you are facing this problem. Divorced children are not the only ones exhibiting these symptoms; it's not even clear if divorced children exhibit it more often. The point is that he has learned to treat you as an object for his use and fulfillment of his needs, not as an independent human being he mus have a real relationship with. I'm hesitant to overload you with books as resources. But I don't have much of an alternative in terms of what can be done here. Why?
I can imagine that he refuses to get help. Right, why should he? He knows he can have all your goodness and kindness without taking any steps. Well, he's an adult and there's nothing that can be done to force him to seek treatment for his unhealthy behavior patterns and perhaps emotional problems.
However, you have been acting as an enabler. That you moved into a hotel is a proof: this is your house and you have made it clear to him that you feel he has more of a right to it than you do. That is very destructive and you must take action to cease the enabling. If he does anything to make you scared, you call 911 and when the police come, you tell them that he threatened you and that you want to file charges. They will try to discourage you because they don't want to get involved in domestic cases unless there is blood (I'm serious). But they will scare him a little. And indeed, it is time to tell him he has 3 weeks to find a new place to live. That you love him but that you realize after your hiatus away (use it to your advantage) that he now needs to make his own way as an adult. You can give him a couple of hundred dollars to get him started and then he's on his own.
Because no matter how much you may feel responsible for him as your son, or no matter how you may feel you have contributed to his pattern of behavior, your feeling guilty and responsible and as though you need to tolerate and bear whatever he does not help. In fact it does the opposite: it HURTS him and his chances of having a good and happy life. And this is the key here to my answer to you that you two need to think about and act on.
So I would very much like you to consider printing out my answer and taking it and your husband to Starbucks or some other quiet neutral place and discussing this with him, my perspective as a psychologist. Because I am concerned that the enabling is contributing to keeping him resistant to getting help. In other words, enabling is contributing to him saying he won't go for treatment because it feeds that unhealthy place inside of him.
Here are two important and good books you can get from the library or buy online or from a bookstore about enabling adult children:
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents by Allison Bottke. She comes from a Christian perspective but it is not a religious book and non-religious people have found it extremely helpful.
The Enabler by Angelyn Miller. This is also excellent and not just for the usual enabling of alcoholism, etc.
And I want you to consider finding a therapist for yourself who is very strong about codependency and enabling adult children. That he has nowhere to go is the situation he's put HIMSELF in and he will need to learn how to get out of that. If it means sleeping in his car for a while, he's young and will survive it.
Because you have to recognize somehting: you are teaching him that you do NOT count; only HE counts. And this is not parenting. You have to model for him that there are boundaries and rules in human relationships and when we violate them there are consequences. And that you count. That you are important to yourself, that you value yourself. Otherwise, you are teaching him that the winners use people, the losers are used.
So he may have to start swimming on his own. And finding his own place to live may be an important developmental step for him. And you will need to let him flounder for a while, even if it means sleeping on friends' sofas or his car for a time. He has to find his own "bottom" so he can learn to stand up on his feet is the idea here. And it will be tough and that's why I want you two to read those books.
Here are some motivational ideas you can print out for him to send him on his way. He will probably scorn them and just throw it away, but I'm offering it for him anyways. You'll see their benefit. Maybe he will. You can perhaps buy him one of these books to take with him on his way. So this is for him:
Here's a simple YouTube search I put together on "motivational speakers":
Some like Tony Robbins are the classic big guys. Some are newer. Watch them all. Get inspired. Buy a book or two. Here are some possibilities, but they are only suggestions as there are so many good ones.
The first book is the father of all these type of books. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. There are classes in these books now! It was written in the 1930s and still has something to say to us today that is very worthwhile.
I think very highly of the second book on my list, which is a real classic: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. It is the book that has helped more people than probably any other.
The third book is by Anthony Robbins. He's one of those speakers who fills up huge auditoriums. For a reason. He's a terrific speaker and writer. The particular book (if you like it, try his others): Awaken the Giant Within.
Okay, again, you are a good person and all the best to you!
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