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Hello: This is Steven Olsen. I am working on your question and will give you a reply in just a few minutes.
You should not do this all alone. That is why you need the support of a face to face counselor, as some things require this personal "backup", so that you feel stronger.
You have nothing to be ashamed of...and if you admit that you saw his emails it is nothing compared to what he has done to you! You also need to practice what you need to say, and a counselor can help you not only refine the speech, but also to remain calm in doing so.
You may not be able to ask you husband about getting a medical check up, (I believe he would refuse anyway) but you can have blood tests yourself, and health screenings. Be specific that you want your doctor to screen you for sexually transmitted diseases. As for intimacy, unless you are very careful I would encourage you to abstain. If he questions you, you can simply state that you do not feel safe with him. He does not need to know more than that for now, and keeping him in the dark on this issue is far less than what he has done with you. Plus that simple act will let him know that you know more than he thinks you do.
The only way to spoil their relationship is to bring it into the light by exposure. But that requires practice and counsel and...one step at a time. You need emotional support before you can go to defeating this intrusive relationship. Most importantly you need to see your own worth and value first as this will empower you to say what needs to be said. Steven
Exposure means total honesty about what has occurred...It includes the fact that he has no respect for you, or the marriage, or your health and safety. This can/could be exposure to family and others, but that is not a choice you need to make right now.
And, yes...she will most likely need to be confronted by you as well. She is not innocent in this by any means.
But this is down the road a ways. First you need to recover your dignity and to express the pain of what he has done. That is the beginning of healing, and as you find yourself, you will come to know how much exposure you need to give each person in this situation, from your husband to his lover and who to tell this to...But you need to deal with your feelings first via that personal counselor. Steven
Some men do return from this miserable existence and realize what they indeed had with their wives. But, they too must do a great deal of soul searching in order to regain respect for themselves and their wives. I have seen men do well and come back to reality...but again they had to face a great number of their own demons in the process.
What he feels right now is irrelevant. He is cheating on you, unashamedly. Nothing that you say to him or to her will make what he did any less. If he is angry, he has only himself to blame. Do not concern yourself with his feelings. You are the injured party here.
You need to speak to a Just Answer Moderator. They can help you with making the questions inaccessible. If you need me, you can ask a new question with For Steven Olsen Only as the question's first words...Steven