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Steven Olsen
Steven Olsen, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1764
Experience:  More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
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Hello! I live in Denmark and my husband travelled to Thailand

Customer Question

Hello!

I live in Denmark and my husband travelled to Thailand and met a younger girl, and they became lovers. He bought a house there and they plan to move together when he retires. His thai lover told me about their affair through Internet. My husband is back, and I found out on his cell phone and his e-mails, that they are in daily touch. This hurts me too much, and I'm afraid if I confront my husband, he will leave me. I'm hurting but I still love him and I don't want him to move to Thailand. What can I do? I wish I could spoil their affair and their future plans. Can you help me please? Best regards, Luciana.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.

Hello: This is Steven Olsen. I am working on your question and will give you a reply in just a few minutes.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Sorry, I need an answer/feed-back for the 176 kr I just paid. I see you need me to pay more, but I cannot pay more. Would you please be so kind and answer for the amount I paid and forget about the second question I asked. Thanks.
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I am uncertain what you mean by asking for more payment. I am working on your answer. You only pay if you are happy with my answer and I have not written it fully just yet. I did want you to know that someone is here for you and that I will assist you. Information requests cannot be paid. You can only accept when I post the answer which should be just in a few minutes. Steven
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.
I am very concerned about your situation. A marriage is a two sided relationship where each partner equally contributes in both effort and love to each other. Here, in this situation this is not happening. Instead, you are being abused by this man emotionally. He has broken his vows. He is having an affair and worse, is sexual with you and with her. And all this is not enough... he even goes as far as being with another woman who is from a country where sexually transmitted illness and disease is rampant. Your very life and health is at risk from this man.

I know that you do not want to lose him. I know that you are frightened and scared that he will leave. That is a possibility, but it is a near certainty if he is not confronted about his behavior. He will not change if you do not talk with him about what you know. He has no reason to. His abuse and lack of care has no reason to stop, for he sees you as less than a person right now...and that allows him to do what he is doing.

What should you do? All professionals would advise you that tolerance of this situation as it is not reasonable. Pretending that this is not happening or ignoring or agreeing to tolerate it is not acceptable. Those actions degrade you. And, it makes a mockery of a real marriage. Simply, he must make a choice.

No matter what you do, it does involve risk. You could lose him, but what remains now is too painful and is not a real relationship. It is an existence only and you are worth so much more than that.

As the conversation with him must occur very well, and be exquisitely planned, best practice within our profession would be to meet several times (by yourself) with a counselor. Your family doctor can give you a referral and then you can plan out, how you will need to approach him. Sadly, there is no other way to get him to see that you are valuable except to press the issue. And, that must happen. But, having an unbiased professional to assist you to develop that plan is vital.

You did not in any way make him do this. As a male therapist I can tell you that what he has done is completely disrespectful of you. He is acting more as an adolescent than a grown male. And, he needs to be confronted with the truth, yet that truth can be said in a kind and measured way.

I am so sorry this happened to you, but I can say that writing down the steps of the conversation in a letter and then showing those steps to a therapist is a very good start. Your husband has much to own up to, but he can mature and abandon this foolish course of action and return to you, but you will have to bring that choice to him. Steven
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear XXXXX, thank you for your answer and sorry for my confusion about payment.

Well, I agree with you that I will have to confront him, but I don't feel ready or strong enough to do so. I got the information from his mistress, and letter on I found out, that my husband wrote the text she sent me on Facebook. So since he didn't break the news to me himself, I will have to admit that I read his mails and messages on his cell phone.How can I do this all alone? I'm so disapointed and destabilised, that I don't know how I can succeed to talk to him kindly after that. Another thing you mentioned is the high risk of disease, I didn't know that and now I'm afraid cause we didn't protect ourselves. How do I ask him to se a doctor for a check out? Can you tell me, how I can spoil their affair our their daily correspondence? Thanks. Best regards.
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.

You should not do this all alone. That is why you need the support of a face to face counselor, as some things require this personal "backup", so that you feel stronger.

You have nothing to be ashamed of...and if you admit that you saw his emails it is nothing compared to what he has done to you! You also need to practice what you need to say, and a counselor can help you not only refine the speech, but also to remain calm in doing so.

You may not be able to ask you husband about getting a medical check up, (I believe he would refuse anyway) but you can have blood tests yourself, and health screenings. Be specific that you want your doctor to screen you for sexually transmitted diseases. As for intimacy, unless you are very careful I would encourage you to abstain. If he questions you, you can simply state that you do not feel safe with him. He does not need to know more than that for now, and keeping him in the dark on this issue is far less than what he has done with you. Plus that simple act will let him know that you know more than he thinks you do.

The only way to spoil their relationship is to bring it into the light by exposure. But that requires practice and counsel and...one step at a time. You need emotional support before you can go to defeating this intrusive relationship. Most importantly you need to see your own worth and value first as this will empower you to say what needs to be said. Steven

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Okay, I understand now what I have to do, get a personal councelor. I will do that.

What do you mean exactly by "exposure"? But he knows that I know through his mistress. Do I expose it to my husband only, do I expose it to him and to our family?... What about his mistress? I feel so much frustrated, that I want to get back to her too, so that she knows how much pain she caused me. Do I confront her or not? Thanks.
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.

Exposure means total honesty about what has occurred...It includes the fact that he has no respect for you, or the marriage, or your health and safety. This can/could be exposure to family and others, but that is not a choice you need to make right now.

And, yes...she will most likely need to be confronted by you as well. She is not innocent in this by any means.

But this is down the road a ways. First you need to recover your dignity and to express the pain of what he has done. That is the beginning of healing, and as you find yourself, you will come to know how much exposure you need to give each person in this situation, from your husband to his lover and who to tell this to...But you need to deal with your feelings first via that personal counselor. Steven

Steven Olsen, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1764
Experience: More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
Steven Olsen and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks again Steven for your valuable answers, I really apreciate every thing consel you give me. You see, I was completely alone with my misery and now you're here to help me and I cannot thank you enough for that even though it is not face to face. Suppose, everything goes well and we can talk about every thing, do you think he can love me again as I love him? Or do you think he will be angry that I have confronted his lover?

Is our correspondence anonymous or do you publish it? Cause I donnot with to be recognised by anyone who knows that my husband travelled to Thailand.

If I stop for now, how do I come back later on, if I wish to talk to you?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks again Steven for your valuable answers, I really apreciate every thing consel you give me. You see, I was completely alone with my misery and now you're here to help me and I cannot thank you enough for that even though it is not face to face. Suppose, everything goes well and we can talk about every thing, do you think he can love me again as I love him? Or do you think he will be angry that I have confronted his lover?

Is our correspondence anonymous or do you publish it? Cause I donnot with to be recognised by anyone who knows that my husband travelled to Thailand.

If I stop for now, how do I come back later on, if I wish to talk to you?

Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.

Some men do return from this miserable existence and realize what they indeed had with their wives. But, they too must do a great deal of soul searching in order to regain respect for themselves and their wives. I have seen men do well and come back to reality...but again they had to face a great number of their own demons in the process.

What he feels right now is irrelevant. He is cheating on you, unashamedly. Nothing that you say to him or to her will make what he did any less. If he is angry, he has only himself to blame. Do not concern yourself with his feelings. You are the injured party here.

You need to speak to a Just Answer Moderator. They can help you with making the questions inaccessible. If you need me, you can ask a new question with For Steven Olsen Only as the question's first words...Steven

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Steven Olsen
Steven Olsen
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1727 Satisfied Customers
More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education