I have arguments over and over with my husband about infidelity ,hesays he has never cheated in the past but i find it hard to trust him and its ruining up my relationship and scared my husband will ask me for a divorce ,if i keep arguing with him over this matter
Hello, this is Jean, a mental health therapist, and I am available for a live chat.
Could you tell me a little bit more about your relationship, number of years together, years married, children?
What indication do you have that he may be unfaithful to you?
i have been married 19years and have 3 children
You sound worried and afraid that you may cause harm to your marriage with your worry, especially if nothing has happened to indicate he's been unfaithful
How long have you felt this way?
a phone call someone he lasted on the phone with for about 35 min and he tjhought i was still on the line when he was talking and got nervous and also erased the phone number ,am i over reacting
I think we tend to "create" in our mind what we most fear. I understand how you would be concerned when he was secretive, nervous, erased phone number etc.
If this is an isolated incident try to put it aside. If he is communicating with someone or having an affair this will show up again. This is upsetting to you, of course it is. It's natural you would wonder when he doesn't give you information.
As natural as it is for us to be afraid, believe we deserve answers, it's best if you take a deep breath, continue to be aware, watch, and observe, and like I said it will likely show it's self again if it is an issue. After 19 years of marriage this can be very upsetting.
The way you describe the incident most of us would probably think the same thing- "if the phone call was not a big deal why don't you tell me?"
i am very worried i tend to overly jealous ,in the past i have found numbers on a phone bill it has been many years ago but i still have fresh in my mind and find it hard to trust him ,i dont want to loose him .i just want to be able to go on with no worries no more fighting
Try communicating with him using "I" statements such as: "I get worried, afraid, etc. when you are secretive, and I don't want to lose the relationship we have". Using the "I" statements your husband more be more apt to "hear" you vs. Accusing him which creates defensiveness.
could it just be me and i guess i feel this way cause hes not a very loving husband but i have gotten use to it after so many years but maybe hopeing he would cjange
I'm going to grab a title of a book I would encourage you to take a look at- will take a second.
Here are the books that may be helpful. His Needs Her Needs Building an Affair Proof Marriage by Willard F. Jr. Harley, he also wrote Surviving an Affair. Your local library may have these.
Try to remain positive and hopeful, arguing, nagging, lecturing will likely just push him away. The more we pursue the more the other person tends to retreat, or run away.
ok another question do you think it would help for me to get some kind of counseling
Seeking out support for yourself to calm your fears is an excellent idea- doesn't hurt- you deserve it!
Focus on you getting stronger vs. being preoccupied with him- like I said if it's an issue you will see more signs.
ok i will do that thank you so much for your help
You are welcome, please let me know if you have other questions. Please hit accept button so I can get credit for info. and time. Thank you!, Jean
Masters degree in counseling, licensed clinical social worker