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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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PLease help. I am a man of 33 years and I have never had a

Customer Question

PLease help. I am a man of 33 years and I have never had a girl friend. I have recently had a therapist and fell completely in love with her after only four sessions of CBT. I wrote her two letters expressing my feelings for her and decided to discharge myself. Five days later I fell to peices and begged to be taken back, but she wouldn't speak to me and I have lost my therapy. I feel completely alone and at my wits end. I think I am rapidly losing weight, and when I go jogging I keep throwing up. I have stopped all of my medication. Please help. I have no idea how to find a girl friend. I weep all the time.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

What have you tried so far? Have you been on any dates and if so, what happens when you try to continue the relationship?

Thank you,

Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hello and how do you do? Many thanks for getting back to me on this.

 

I must confess that I have never been on a date before. Sad but true at my age. I have asked out a couple of girls I have liked, I have joined that silly eHarmony dating site for a few months, but have had no repsonses at all. I don't understand why I am so unlikeable. I feel completely detached from my own society. Perhaps I am a little too old fashioned for my age group? I am intollerably lonely. My old school friends are either dead, or they have moved on and have families of their own. Please help. I am very depressed. I have had nearly seven attempts on my own life over the past six years, and I am worried that this episode will tip me over the edge. Also, I give my word as a gentleman that I am being honest with you. I weigh in at about 11st, but I think I am losing weight fast. I can't eat or sleep properly. I wish I hadn't of written those letters to my previous therapist. Why was I so arrogant as to discharge myself? I loved her with all of my heart.

 

Andrew

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello Andrew, it's nice to meet you.

It sounds like you handled the therapy issue the best you could. Falling in love with your therapist is a common occurrence. Dropping out because of it can happen too. It may be that your therapist felt unable to deal with the situation or she may have thought that another therapist would be able to help you better (a referral might have been a good idea on her part to help you). Either way, rest assured that how you felt was not all that uncommon.

You may want to try therapy again, this time with a male therapist. It would certainly help with any transference issues you may have, and a male therapist could give you some perspective on your feelings about dating and establishing a relationship.

Weighing 11 stone (which is 154 pounds I believe- sorry I needed the translation!), should not affect any dates you could get. Depending on your height, your weight sounds like it could be normal. But if you are losing weight, check with your doctor. That is never good if you are already a normal weight.

It also sounds like you are very lonely and depressed. It is easy to feel that a relationship may solve that. However, relationships are often full of problems and stresses. As a result, a relationship may not solve how you feel even if you did have one. Dealing with your loneliness and depression as a separate issue would help. That way, you can get to the root of what you feel and resolve it, making your expectations of any relationships you have more realistic.

I encourage you to try seeing a therapist again. You may need mediations to help you cope with your symptoms until therapy can help you. And talking to someone can really make a big difference. You will not feel so alone, you can get assistance with your symptoms and find new ways to cope. Talk to your doctor about a referral. Or you can search on line at http://www.bacp.co.uk/.

Also, try working on your symptoms at home. Here are some resources that may help:

http://stress.about.com/od/psychologicalconditions/a/loneliness.htm

http://www.dailystrength.org/health_blogs/georgianna-donadio/article/how-to-deal-with-loneliness-when-its-not-just-about-being-alone

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm

Also, join some support groups. There are many you can go to in person or participate in on line. They can help you reach out anytime you feel down and alone.

And if you feel suicidal again, it is important that you seek help immediately. Dying may seem appealing, but it is not the answer. You have a lot to give so hang in there.

I hope this helps you,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Kate

 

Hello again, and thanks for your answer. I hope you don't mind a follow up. I promise to pay you! I'm around 5ft 7 just to let you know.

 

I don't think I could face a male therapist, as I can't see myself opening up in the way I think I need to in order to address my problems. I had a nerovus breakdown when I was 26 due to bullying at work. I was bullied at school because I had a bad stutter and acne. College and university were okay, but now I feel as though I have missed out on so much as I couldn't participate socially. I spent nearly three years on my own in Uxbridge, which is west of London here in England. It makes me feel so sad now as I feel as though I have missed my chance. I can't stop crying. I now have a really good job working for the government as a programmer, but everything else is a mess. I have nothing and no one. I really want a girl friend. Just to hold someone hand and a hug will do. I know it sounds pathetic, but I ache for company. Happiness is only true when it's shared. I think that was Alexander Supertramp's quote?

 

Do you have the web addresses for the online support groups?

 

Many thanks and kind regards,

 

Andrew

 

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Andrew,

I understand. If you do not feel comfortable with a male therapist, that is ok. An experienced female therapist would be able to help. You would just need to work through any transference you have.

The crying can be a symptom of depression. It is important that you try to talk to someone about it and all the other symptoms you are experiencing.

To help your loneliness, you may want to try activities that involve being with others like church groups, group support and sports. It can help to feel like you are part of a group and it opens up your social supports, which also means you have a better chance of meeting someone who has the same interests as you do.

Try these groups to see if you can find something that fits your needs:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/support-group

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Depression/Pages/Depressionselfhelpgroups.aspx

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5470
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you Andrew for your very kind feedback! I hope you are feeling better soon. And if you ever need to talk again, just let me know. You can request to work with me by putting "Kate" in front of your new question. Of course you are welcome to work with anyone here on Just Answer at anytime.

Take care,

Kate

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