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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate,My session with my therapist went well I think. I

Resolved Question:

Kate,

My session with my therapist went well I think. I spent most of the time trying to figure out what to do about my boyfriend. My life has been harsh and for the worst of it my guy has always been there. I've leaned on him. Cried on him. Vented on him. You get the picture.

Now that my daughter no longer has to have visits with her father, her and I are both relieved. He helped me through them often meeting me for a cup a tea at a nearby coffee shop or even just making the time to be available to talk on the phone when the visit was taking place. Of course this was when he was living in the same city as me.

Those visits nearly killed me. If he wasn't around to lean on, I don't know what I would have done. But is this enough of a reason to stay with someone?

I feel horrible but he still thinks I am in the hospital. This charade is happening because I don't seem to want to talk to him. I'd rather just text. He is kind of high maintenance needing lots of attention and stroking. I am sort of the opposite being pretty independent. I know that I would ask him why he didn't come down this weekend especially with me being in the hospital. My therapist asked what saying this would accomplish because I would probably put him on the defensive. But I do feel a bit angry that he didn't come.

He didn't come down last weekend to visit us as we had an extra long weekend. He said it was because it was so tiring and stressful to travel for him. This I believe. He also said there were no good flight sales. This line is a bit tough to believe because he spends money on the best of everything. My therapist said maybe he is one of those people who buys the best of smaller things but the big ticket items are not the same. Maybe.

I wrote a list of "What I have" and "What I'd Like to have" and read it to her. She said to be careful because many of my items include my daughter and me and that won't always be the case. She asked me why I stayed with him.

To be honest I think he has many honourable qualities and came along at a very difficult time in my life. Do I stay with him because I am afraid of being alone and have invested five years to it? Plus he is a great listener when things go wrong and is wonderful to lean on. Or do I have better reasons? I really don't know.

I'm not sure of anything in my life except that I was given a great blessing in the form of my daughter. Everything else seems shaky. This makes me feel quite anxious and worried. I don't have the answers to my own questions. Is this normal?

Kathy
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Kathy,

It is normal to question your relationship if you have been bonded together by the difficult times in your life and there has been a break up. Plus your relationship is a long distance one, which adds to the stress. That is a lot for a relationship to take. But the break up is probably the most significant factor. It takes away your trust and makes you question the strength of your relationship.

There is no reason to hurry the relationship. Setting new boundaries can help. Talk to your boyfriend about how you feel, and let him know that you want to take things slowly. That does not obligate you to stay in the relationship, only to see how it works out. Then use that time to consider how you feel about him. Do you look forward to seeing him? Do you like the time you spend together? Does he seem to care about you? Questions like this can help you decide if this relationship is something you want to keep.

Also, consider that the long distance relationship adds stress to your situation. Here is a link to help you find ways to connect better (if that is where you decide to take the relationship) :

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Long-Distance-Relationship-Work

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Kate,

The problem is I am terrified to ask him if he sees a future for us (marriage) or will we just keep it as it is until one of us tires of it or meets someone new. The fear of being alone is strong - I think for both of us. But that certainly isn't the reason to stay together. Yes, we do enjoy each other's company and I know he loves me and my daughter and says so and I believe him. He is an extremely honest person. At this point, I know how I feel about him but am extremely unsure of how he feels about me. I don't want to ask him because I am afraid of what his answer will be.

Kathy

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You have two choices, you can ask him and take the risk of what he will say, or you can keep guessing. I understand your fear. Most people feel as you do when confronted with such a dilemma. But it is important for you to know so you can decide what to do.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I guess for me between the OCD, depression, dealing with the assaults and now the loss of normal mobility from the car accident, I don't think I can handle anymore bad news.

My OCD is out of control....way out of control. I'm tired because of nightmares and night terrors and now even more depressed that I can't even do the small bits of homework my therapist gives me. I am so tired of living.

Kathy

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You may want to put this on the back burner then until you feel strong enough to deal with it. It is never a good idea to overwhelm yourself with more if you are struggling to deal with what is already on your plate.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I already do have more on my plate than I can manage successfully. And to say I am struggling is an understatement. It is taking me 30 minutes to close the darn fridge door. I feel angry at everything and don't even have a reason. And more and more often I think of ways for it all to go away but then I think of my daughter and push those thoughts away.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
That is good. Keep thinking about the good things. That will help.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
That's it? That's your response? I guess I expected a bit more.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I think it is a good idea to keep working on changing your thinking, just as we talked about.

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I don't find that response helpful at all. Not at all like your other messages to me. Perhaps I am just re-hashing old stuff over and over again and it is impossible for your to respond more. Maybe this is as good as it gets for me.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Sometimes it takes time to see if these things can work. We had just talked about changing your thoughts so it may take some time to see if it works. That is why I am encouraging you to keep trying.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Encouragement is great and I appreciate it. But the email before was me talking about my bad thoughts of ending my life and I found your posting back to me to be quite laid back for those kinds of thoughts. Usually you write me much longer and helpful responses but you totally brushed over those comments of mine and just told me to have postive thoughts. If I could have positive thoughts, believe me, I would and wouldn't need to ask for your help.

Anyway, thanks for all the other help and links you have given me.

Kathy

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Kathy,

This question is still open and I cannot move to your next one until this one is concluded. Did you try to accept and it did not go through?

Kate

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