Hi Kate. I am getting a lot of work done, thanks. My clients didn’t show up for their appointment this morning, which was fine with me, because I was able to get more work done. I find it interesting that people have a sense of urgency and must get in as soon as possible to discuss whatever, then forget their appointment. Oh well.
I can’t feel anything one way or another with the XR yet. I didn’t really have a problem with the IR wearing off too soon, so I think the IR will work fine. But I will try the XR for the 3 days, then them combined, as she told me to. Yes – I am pleased that hopefully I can lose this weight, because it is frustrating. I mean, really - I gained over 20 lbs in a few months. Not happy, because when I got out my summer clothes, most of them don’t fit. I have never weighed this much in my life. So I am psyched that the adderall will help with that, along with allowing me to be more productive.
So - I think I’m going to start out by emailing Debra’s friend. You think I should say that Debra shared her story, generally with me, and told me that she didn’t start to deal with it until much later, either, and that it was a struggle? I can tell her that hearing that made me feel somewhat normal – and like I wasn’t the only one. Debra said she told her I was attacked in college and just started therapy about a year ago, so she knows all that. I would like, as you suggested, to ask her if she felt some of the same things I feel. Our incidents were totally different (she was 16 [I think ?], it was her youth pastor, and it was not a one time thing. Debra said there was never any “penetration,” but I don’t think that would make a difference in how traumatizing it was, would it? And it happened to other girls in their church as well, and also, she thought she was in love with him and obviously it was someone she trusted). Do you think that makes a ton of difference in dealing with it so long after the fact? Do you think she will probably feel similarly even though it was different? I think something like that, when it is done as a child and repeatedly, and by someone you trust, and you are manipulated into thinking you want it — would add a whole other layer of issues. Don’t you? I have always been so glad it wasn’t someone I knew or trusted. I know the church “decided” that it was best for all the girls just to drop it and not do anything. I wonder how her parents reacted – if they just “dropped” it too.
You are probably right about our discussion triggering nightmares. So now I can blame you for my nightmares! :) awesome. I was thinking last night about the whole thing we were discussing. I don’t know whether to believe I could have died — it became more real when Dr. M showed me where some major arteries were and how the bottle used in that way could have punctured my bladder and other organs. But, still .... it was God’s choice. So if God wanted me to live, how can I say I could have died? On the other hand, I do understand what you are saying – that it is important to face that I could have died. But is that just because that’s what one is supposed to do in these situations? I mean, there is that over-used line that I hate so much: “whatever you did was right, because you survived.” But that wouldn’t always be applicable. Not all sexual assaults are life-threatening, are they? Does every woman who is assaulted have to face that she could have died?? I am just curious. Regardless, I do now recognize that mine was fairly violent. I keep thinking about how much blood there was. I couldn’t totally assess it, because it was dark and I don’t know how much was on the ground, and although i knew it was on them, I couldn’t tell how much. I was trying to figure out, with all that was on me, then with all that I bled in the shower and bath and towels, how much blood I was losing – I was trying to assess it in relation to the bags of blood they remove when I would give blood. It sure seemed like a lot more than that. Then it was pretty steady for days after, and totally stopped maybe 3-4 weeks later. Okay – that does seem dangerous to me. But if it was a lot, why didn’t I ever even pass out or anything? I did feel pretty weak in the weeks after, but there were a lot of reasons for that. Do you think my perception was just off – that because it was my own blood it seemed like a lot more to me?
I just can’t totally believe (in a feeling sort of way) that I might have died that night. I know I am distancing myself or using defenses, as you say. But why? Why would it be so difficult to face that? I mean, I know the outcome — I am alive and well.
I am so far behind on moving stuff. I haven’t really done anything yet, and I only have 40 calendar days. I think I am going to meet with Jamie and Austin after my meeting this afternoon, so we can come up with a plan of action. I am excited about going back – there are 3 people out of 6 that were not there when I worked there. But 2 of them I have dealt with a lot on my cases against LP’s clients, and they have actually called me to ask me stuff about stories Laura (LP's office manager, P’s niece, and my good friend) told them, and I know they are excited to have me there. LP’s associate attorney, however, is probably not too thrilled. She has issues with pretty much everyone there anyway. I am hoping I can smooth things over during the transition period. Because I won’t be part of that firm for a while – just subletting office space. We can’t merge the firms until our conflict of interest on that big case is resolved, and that could be a few months or a few years. We have no idea. But I think it will be good to have that period of transition (while, as you pointed out, saving money). Then, when our firms merge, I will make a lot more money than I am now. I will be doing a lot more work — but it will all be actual legal work – not the running-your-own-business administrative work. In fact, I will likely make more money before we merge, because (1) my costs will go down; and (2) LP will want me to do work for him, which means he will have to contract it out to me, which means he has to pay me directly, instead of my billing the clients (because they won’t be my clients). And I can certainly make sure I get paid by him, whereas clients aren’t that reliable. This is all such a good thing, I think. Now I just need to implement it!
Okay .... back to work. I like talking to you on and off during the day, though. :)