I didn’t actually tell Austin - Jamie did
. But I said it was okay, and I let her tell him. I really feel okay about it. Doesn’t mean I want everyone to know, but it will be helpful to me and to him to know, even though we’ll likely never talk about it. I will know he is praying for me, and he understands I don’t have cancer or something, and he told Jamie that it explains a lot about how I am about certain things. I didn’t ask what.
But, again, I don’t think I need to share it with everyone or even anyone. C told me last week that people had been asking stuff and they would likely eventually ask me, but not to feel obligated to tell anyone. He said that he thinks it is important that he and P (and now Debra) know and can pray and help me and “rally around me” while I deal with this, but I shouldn’t feel like I need to answer to anyone. He said that making it common knowledge or telling a bunch of people is not how I am, and it would just hurt me (I was never considering that anyway), but he’s glad at least those closest to me know. He said maybe down the road, God will put it on my heart to talk about it to help others, etc., but not now. He has a good take on my feelings of people violating my personal life and space.
And I will deal with Jim, just as you suggested. I’m not going to worry about it. You have confirmed that it is his problem, not mine, which I kind of felt anyway. And Jamie and Debra can do whatever they feel they need to do (if anything). I have talked to both of them and they don’t need me to stick up for them. Oh well. I still have a few weeks until I have to deal with it, and if I don’t feel like dealing with it then, I will extend my break. I feel totally fine about that issue now.
It is hard to really believe I could have died — because I have lived almost 20 years since then. I kind of thought I might die during it, and didn’t consciously care a whole lot because at the time it seemed like a better alternative to the pain and humiliation. But from the time they left, I didn’t think there was any chance I would die then, and have not really believed I could have died during it, either. And even though they talked about killing me, I figured he was just posturing and was never thinking of really doing it.
You don’t think the other one, at least, showed me some mercy?
But I guess you’re right. They didn’t know if I would die even after they left. There was an awful lot of blood, and they knew it. But since, up to the end, I was conscious and able to move and do what they wanted, I’m sure they assumed I was fine. But I agree they didn’t care. If they cared the least bit, he would not have used the bottle again when he saw how much blood there was after the first time. It’s not like he needed to use it as punishment. I did everything they wanted. He wanted t hurt me as bad as he could, I think. How was that funny to them??
I hope the mean one is dead. I hope he was hit by a truck the next day. Not very Christian, considering I’m sure he wasn’t saved, at least not at the time, but I feel that way anyway. Do you think any part of either one of them felt bad and sorry for what they did? Do you think they even remember it?
In what version of this world do they have a right to do those things and take whatever they want? And to be little puppet masters and make me do the worst things I could have done? I mean, they did it. They got away with it. I did everything they wanted. Do you think that makes them feel like it is therefore their right? I mean, they obviously knew it was wrong, or he wouldn’t have said they had to kill me, and the other one wouldn’t have said I wouldn’t tell and reminded me they knew where I lived.
This seems so huge right now. I know it’s fine and I survived and am okay. But as we talk about it, it seems more and more – I don’t know what the word is – significant? Major? Traumatic? Violent? It doesn’t seem to jive with my life now – or then, either, really. It just is seeming more and more extreme to me. How did they get so far past any line I can think of? And how was it that it was me who was in the middle of it? It seems weird. Like it could be one of those shows and you hear about it and it seems bad and you feel sorry for the girl. But then I think - no, the girl was me, and it was fine, don’t be over dramatic. You know??