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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate: That makes me feel better about things with Jim.

Resolved Question:

Kate:

That makes me feel better about things with Jim. I have felt bad about not setting him straight in the car. But I could not have guessed how his behavior would progress in a few years. I will try to deal with him as you suggested. I do like his wife, but not enough to hang around with him. There have been a few times I have told him to shut up or he was being inappropriate or he was being negative or had a bad attitude, and it doesn’t help matters. Once during praise team practice before church one morning, when I was playing the drums, he came up and grabbed a microphone (I don’t think it was his Sunday) and said “I don’t care what C says - I’m singing this morning.” (Because he was upset that C asked his wife to sing on her off week [to cover for me since I was playing drums] but didn’t ask Jim - because he didn’t need him). I said “nice attitude, Jim” and he took off mad. He smoothed things over later, because there was no way I was going to apologize. I told him that he needs to remember that this stuff isn’t about him - it’s about praising God, and he needed to change his attitude about it and support whatever C is led to do. He actually accepted that, and was pretty good for a few weeks. But it didn’t last. But I think you are right - the best way to deal with him is with neutral responses and firm boundaries. C’s wife gets creeped out by Jim, too. But as I said, I’m not too upset about the whole thing this morning. Jamie is still mad as heck, but she should be. He was really mean to her.

Do you really think I could have died? And if so, is it because they talked about it and you think that the mean one might not have had reservations about doing it? Or do you think that because of the things they actually did – that it could have had more serious medical consequences?

Court went well and I am making good progress on my work. :)

Jamie told Austin this morning about what I was dealing with. He came into Jamie’s office on Friday when we were talking about nightmares, and said “you have nightmares all the time?” and I just said yes, and he said “is that why you wouldn’t let my mom share a room with you and P on the mission trip?” and I said yes. But then it got all weird and I was really uncomfortable. He had asked Jamie a number of times before he left for school if I was dying or something, because I used to never go to the doctor and then suddenly went all the time. That’s why I ended up telling Jamie, in general, because she thought I had some terrible disease or something. When Austin came back last week, he asked her if I was okay, and she said yes, and he said he didn’t believe her. She told me that she understands why I don’t want him to know anything, but he is really concerned and thinks something terrible is wrong. And we both know Austin would never tell anyone. So I told her if she felt he needed to know something, she could tell him, but not while I was around and I didn’t want to talk to him about it. I felt okay with that, and Austin is such a strong Christian. I could use his prayers. So I guess she told him something this morning - I don’t know what - but it cleared a lot up for him she said. I feel okay about it.

I don’t feel as angry today. I actually feel pretty good and peaceful. And I slept very well last night. :)

S
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Shay,

There was no way to predict Jim's behavior. No one, not even therapists, can predict behavior. And it is no fair to blame yourself for someone else's choices.

I think you could have easily died during the attack. You were being violated in horribly hurtful ways. The bottle alone could have cut you so much that you bled out. And at any time those guys decided, they could have strangled you or did something else to you that killed you. I do not think you lived due to their mercy. If they had any mercy at all, they would not have done what they did to you in the first place. They were there that night for themselves and did not care what they did to you. The only thing that might have stopped them from killing you outright was their own self centered fear of getting caught. And even considering that, how did they know that they already didn't kill you by using the bottle? Everyone knows that using something like that inside of someone is going to do severe damage. If they didn't realize that, then insanity is not their only issue. So you could have died right there that night after they left. They did not bother to call for help or do anything to be sure you were ok (a little odd if they did, but they are crazy so their behavior is very unpredictable). So they were not that fearful of being caught. Someone who does not fear authority or consequences does not have limits on their behavior, like you and I would. That means what happens is left up to what they choose to do based on the reasons they are doing it.

It's good that you are sharing your story with others. You have told two people in the past month or so. And I think it is fantastic that you are getting so much support as a result. And Austin can pray for you, which as you said, only helps you in your recovery.

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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