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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Good Morning, Kate. I am starting to do alot better. I think

Resolved Question:

Good Morning, Kate. I am starting to do alot better. I think I am finally starting to understand its not me. I am dealing with an individual who has no morals to speak of.

I need resolution to a couple of more things that came up. We have a roommate that lives with us. She is a very nice person. On Friday she was talking to me because she is going through some issues. In our conversation it came up that he (my boyfriend) had told her that he dates ten girls at a time and that I now about it but I am so in love that I will deal with it. Then he preceeded to tell her that he would leave me but I am so in love with him that he just couldn't hurt me that way. He really made me look like a weak idiot in front of her! I have heard in the past when other girls pressure him about being with them he tells them he can't because I won't leave. He makes me look like a fool in front of them. Why would he do that? I kicked him out before and Ive told him move and and leave and he says no I want to be with you. What is his problem? On Friday he came home late and wouldn't answer the phone. It really got to me because I can not stand to not have the phone answered and he knows that. I didn't make a big issue out of it because I thought it would just fuel his ego. Did I handle it right?

On Saturday his brother and cousin wanted him to go out with them for a guys night. I told him go and have fun I will do my own thing and was okay with him going. The funny thing is he didn't go and didn't want to? Now he had the opportunity to leave and go and and choose not to. Why is that?

I haven't had sex with him in a month. I have complained and told him I don't feel loved. He will say don't worry we will have it tonight. The night comes and hes tired etc. Why does he play wih my emotions like that? I have decided to stop dicussing it with him because it seems like he uses that as a control thing over me to make me feel bad. If I complain and say anything he them knows he has me and hes able to withhold because he runs around during the day hooking up. I really need advise and help on this because this is the one thing that is making me feel the worst. Like I am not being desired.

Is this guy a narcissit or a player? He has real issues. Will he do this same type of thing to other women?

Kate I really need to know for my sanity that there is nothing wrong with me its him. I just got a big promotion at work which gave me a $5.00/hour raise, a company phone, and a laptop for home use. It also will bring me great commissions with a very stable company. He seems to be bothered by it. Why? Also, the first thing he said when I told him was are you still going to be in the same office and are you going to travel? Last night he was making fun of me over the computer. Shouldn't he be happy for me?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 4 years ago.
Hello,

It sounds like your boyfriend has a personality disorder. The symptoms you mentioned describe someone who may be Narcissistic. Here is what you said about his behaviors:

He laughs at you

He makes fun of you

He tells other girls that you won't leave him because you are so in love with him

He refuses to have sex with you (controlling)

He refuses to answer the phone (again, controlling)

He finds out what bothers you then goes out of his way to do the very thing that bothers you

He talks behind your back

He puts himself first in your relationship

He cheats on you

Here is a link to describe someone with Narcissistic personality disorder:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652

Your boyfriend does the things he does to you because he has a deep need to be the center of attention. And he uses you and those around him to meet his needs through manipulation. Hurting you is only a bonus to him. He only cares for himself. And that means he will act the way he acts with you with anyone else he is with. The problem is him, not you.

No matter how you try to reason with him, your boyfriend will always be like this until he decides he needs help. Since people with personality disorders have very poor insight, it is highly unlikely he will ever get better. The best thing to do is to help yourself by getting out of this toxic relationship and into a healthier one.

If you feel you might have trouble getting out of the relationship, consider therapy for yourself (if you take him he will probably try to manipulate the therapist so he looks good and you look like the one with the problem). Therapy can help you work on why you stay in the relationship and how to emotionally remove yourself from it.

Kate
TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 4 years ago.

I hope I answered all of your questions. Let me know if you have any further ones.

Kate

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
How to
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 4 years ago.
The rest of your post did not come through. Maybe try it again?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

How do I get past the sexual thing? I really get down thinking I am not good enough, I am not attrative enough all these other women bring him more pleasure or provide better. I don't think it can be that since for 4 years its been fine but I am trying to understand it better?? This is the one thing that is making me weak that I am trying to understand?

Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 4 years ago.

What your boyfriend does is designed to make you feel bad about yourself and question yourself. As long as you are with him, he is going to use sex against you. He wants you to doubt yourself so you come to him for reassurance, making him the center of attention. He also wants to control you through withholding sex and making himself your only source for it, while he goes out and cheats.

If you intend on staying with him, then accept that he is going to try to hurt you in this way. The key is to rise above it. Separate yourself emotionally from him and see what he does as about his issues and not you. But the best way to deal with it is to leave him. He is not going to change so what you see with him now is what you are going to have to live with. The more you try to understand why he does this, the deeper it will draw you in. Understanding him will not help you. Getting away from him will.

Kate

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Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 4 years ago.

I hope that answered your question. Let me know if you have more questions.

Kate

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