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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
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Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate: I understand better now about what I should write

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I understand better now about what I should write out. But I still don't know if I should do it concerning feelings, etc. surrounding what happened or in general? Doing it generally seems a little overwhelming. Maybe start with attitudes related to what happened?

P got home. I'm glad. Jamie called an warned me about some stuff that went down in our Sunday school class this Morning. I guess they had a potluck breakfast in lieu of class. Long story, but Jim, (he's the head deacon I told you always made really inappropriate remarks to me) cornered jamie and asked her what was going on with me. She said "what do you mean?" and he said that I hadn't been to church in a long time. She told him I was just busy and stressed, a lot going on, especially with the upcoming move.. He said he didn't buy it - that I haven't seemed myself in months, and that he was going to call and tell me that if I was stressed, this was the time to be coming to church then, and I needed to look at my priorities. Jamie said "Jim, don't do that" and he said that she had no business telling him how to deal with "his" friend. Debra piped in and said she thought it was totally appropriate that I take a break from church if I needed to, and if he was really my friend, he would stop being judgmental and just lift me up in prayer. Then he got mad because Debra said he was being judgmental, she wouldn't back off of it because she thought he was, and he said "i just love her and am concerned". Jamie said "my advice to you, then, is to just send her a note, text her, or call her, and tell her just that and don't pressure her to come back. ". Debra said "exactly. You are going to make her mad otherwise. ". He was pretty peeved apparently. Then before church he cornered Jamie again and said "now that nobody else is around, tell me what's really going on". And Jamie got mad and he was complaining up a storm about Debra and that Debra shouldn't be telling him how to handle "his" friends and she didn't understand that we have a special relationship and he is going to call me and tell me what I need to do.

I was maybe going to go back Sunday after next, but I don't want to deal with that stuff. As it stands now, Jim is mad at Jamie and Debra and they are mad at him. And I do not want him to confront me. He is just jealous because he feels left out of some loop or something and wants to think he's a better friend of mine than them, which isn't true, but doesn't matter. There are a few people like this at church. This all isn't fair. It's my own business. Also, there was no call for him to be so disrespectful to Debra and Jamie. I don't even want to deal. This is dumb. I won't answer his calls, but eventually he'll corner me and I'm going to go off on him. What do I say? I don't owe him anything. We do not have this special relationship he apparently thinks we do, and we are not close. What does he want from me? Why is my not coming to church something that he or anyone else feels the need to ponder or waste time thinking about? And how is it that he or anyone else thinks they can tell me what I "need" to do???

Sorry - that just made me mad. I really live our pastor and c and a bunch of other people there and have fun (usually) in the music program. So I don't want to switch churches, but I am thinking about it for the first time ever. I'm definitely switching Sunday school classes (Jim is out co-teacher). I kind of wanted to do that anyway, because there's another class taught by this brilliant guy I really like. But I hadn't before because I knew Jim woul be hurt. But I'm going to do it. P wants to switch too. We had already decided we might try it.

I see what you're saying about the dream. It was disturbing. I didn't dream of my actually doing that to her. It's just that I realized I had and felt bad. But I didn't feel as bad as I certain my would/should if I had really done something like that to someone. I will bring It up with Linda.

Do you think I should not watch any more of these documentary crime shows? That's the first time I've heard about a bottle on any of them. By there are a lot of assaults and violence and the woman always is dead.

I am just angry about everything still, I guess.

Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 4 years ago.

It sounds like to me that Jim has a lot of mental health issues. For one, he is imagining that he has a better relationship with you than he really does. Secondly, he seems to anger easily. And thirdly and most importantly, he is crossing big boundaries in his behavior. He approached you and was sexually inappropriate, he is aggressively demanding when it comes to what is going on with you, he is judgmental (i.e. controlling) and he seems to have some narcissistic traits.

You have every right to be upset about what he is doing. He is not only crossing boundaries into your life, he is bullying your friends to find out about you.

You may want to consider setting up boundaries with him. Changing classes is a good idea and a good start. Also, enlisting the help of others in the church who have some authority over him. You may not be comfortable doing that and that is understandable. But maybe putting out some feelers about how you can address this situation may help.

When he approaches you, say as little as possible. Try keeping your emotions out of it when you respond. Think ahead of time of a simple and general response. Something like "Thanks for your concern but I am fine." and repeat as needed. If he gets too pushy, seek help with someone like C or P. Or you can keep someone close by when you go back, just for support until you are sure he won't bother you.

You may want to consider the reasons you watch the documentaries first before you stop. As you watch them, think about how you feel. What are the main emotions you experience? What do you hope the outcome will be when you do watch them? Why chose them over another type of program? By answering these questions and addressing your feelings, you can explore the emotions around this and resolve your feelings about it. Just stopping may not resolve it for you like you need.

Good night, Shay. I hope you sleep well.

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I can have c talk to Jim, and he would do it in a kind way, but I don't know if that's fair, and Jim will go ballistic. I am almost scared of him. When I tell Jim he's brin inappropriate or to give me a break, he gets so hurt and angry. He is super sensitive. Even with joking around. He can dish it but he can't take it.

I am still angry abou other stuff, too. How long will I be angry? Do you know?

Good night Kate.


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