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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hello Kate===================
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Yep! Got it.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

here at last, though I barely have the energy :(

I went to the Domestic abuse support group. I got myself in a real state as I was driving there, and when I arrived (early) I texted the volunteer who contacted me last week to say I was here, but I was really scared, and that I have GAD and depression, and that I sometimes can't speak, and that I would try to come down soon. She texted me right back to say which was my car, she'd come and meet me, take me down. She was lovely, talked to me the whole time, told me a bit about the members who were likely to come, that there may be another new person today too, but she wasn't sure. All the others were old-timers, it was very much a general chat and catch-up on everyone's lives, who had seen the Olympic torch the day before, and how someone's holiday was. 3 of the 4 others were extremely talkative, and I marvelled at how they were able to share such minute details of their lives, so fluently and without thought and struggle. They talked about their animals at one time, and I was asked if we had any pets, so I could tell them that much!! And where my kids went to school. Gill the volunteer had asked me a little about my situation before the others arrived, and I did my best to tell her. But otherwise no-one really talked about those issues, just one woman who said she was followed by her ex while driving back from her holiday to her flat, but he just drove on by. The other person is a trans-sexual, still very obviously mostly a man, but I believe has had treatment and has some womanly parts. I'm not sure why she was there. She looked bizarre, but was very nice. I did take my rabbit, but yesterday I found a small very soft teddy bear on a keyring which I thought would be ok to attach to my bag, and would be less conspicuous than the rabbit. He was nice to hold in my hand.

I had to go shopping at the superstore for my aunt on the way home, I had promised her some bananas on my early visit, and I had to go back to hang up her washing. I got home at 2pm. Sam had persuaded me he would be better off skipping his only class and save a 90 minute bus journey there and back, and he could use that time more wisely to revise at home. Well, by 2pm he had done nothing, said he didn't wake til 12.30, at about the same time that D awoke! I passed D on my way back from town, not sure where he was going.

So I was a little upset with Sam, but not a lot I could say. Mark came for coffee just as I arrived home too, not happy about that. He has been trying to persuade me to go to the holiday cottage in Cornwall that he uses, and spend some time with him there. I've said I can't Mark, things are too difficult at the moment. I DO want some time away, but not with him. I felt awkward with him there, I have nothing to say to him, I know he's desperate to know, but I won't tell him. He will have to find out from D.

D has done nothing today, came home again after an hour or 2, then went back to bed. He was out for many hours last night, could well have had a lot of beers, but no-one saw him last night to know. He told Sam he was so much in bed this morning bc he is depressed. This evening when he got up for supper he said he had a chill, felt fluey. Who knows. I've done all the chores, didn't bother to ask him to put the recycling out, hence why I am exhausted. My rest this afternoon was non-refreshing.

I'm feeling very low this evening, just need to curl up now, in fact I think I'll go to bed.

Goodnight Kate, I hope you are OK

Rosex

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hey Rose,

I was thinking about you all day! I was wondering how your session went with the domestic abuse group. It sounds like it went very well. I think it's good that the group did not get too deep into issues this time since it was your first time there. It may have been too overwhelming for you if they have delved into domestic abuse right off the bat. But the way it worked, it probably allowed you time to get your bearings and see how the group worked. From your description, it seemed they were all very accepting and felt safe with each other.

I like they way you contacted the one worker to let them know that you needed support. That was great! It would have been easy for you to decide to just leave. But you faced it and asked for the support you needed to do so. Good for you.

It sounds like Sam had other plans today besides attending class! It may be a good idea to set some boundaries with him so next time he asks to stay home, he knows you are going to say no.

And it seems Mark needs some boundaries as well. Talk about everyone encroaching in your personal space! How do you feel about telling Mark that you no longer want to talk? That means he should only come to see Dave and no longer count on you to sit and converse. You can be direct with him without being mean. That would help you have less stress to deal with.

Good night, Rose. Sleep well! You mentioned that Tuesdays are your difficult days so if I do not hear from you, know that you are in my thoughts.

Katex

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Thank you for your thoughts

I am still at work and desperate to go home, just want to be home, don't know why I'm feeling so down, but just want to get away. I shall leave soon I hope, wish I could just ask, say I need to go, but however much it builds up in me, that need to go, I am never able to ask, even though there is nothing she needs me to do for her.

Gotta go............

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed by something. Maybe when you get back to home, you and I can talk about it, if you have time.

Are you still seeing K tonight?

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Thank you. I am seeing K tonight, i don't know if D is home or not, I will ask him when he gets home, and I will tell him why. Maybe I will make a point of telling him he was out of order last week. If he is going to be home I will go to my parents, they are away.

I feel like I'm living a lie. Yesterday when Mark was here I told him I'd been researching fridgefreezers, he sasid the woman who D is working for, who Mark did a day or 2 for, has a FF for sale. I said to D when he came home that we needed a new FF, ours had all but packed up. He said funny you should say that, Billie has one she wants to sell. So I say great, ask, get it, we need it now.

I'm having a conversation with him as if life will carry on, but I have a secret in my drawer downstairs, one that will turn D's life upside down. I am really struggling to sign that form, I know I can reverse it at any time, I know I will never want to, but I am scared to take the next step bc it's all about me, and the childrten too, but they won't see it that way. And tonight I know K will want to talk about who goes, me or D, but I can only do one thing at a time, and that will have to wait til This bit is through with, bc it will be too much all at once. I know I can't anticipate everything, how he will react, what the kids will say, what will nhappen, I just know I have to be btrave and get on with it, or I won't make any progress. I think I have been happy before, I've tried to remember, times with friends, enjoying the children. D doesn't think I can be happy without him, bc he makes people laugh, the kids will laugh when they are with him , not with me.

Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oh, and talking about the FF, it's something that he will be buying for the house, then I will be signing the letter, and he will be expected to go, and he will say but i've just bought us a FF, which would have been OK if I had bought it, I know these thoughts are stupid, but all the little thibngs he does I wish he wouldn't. I have to sign that form, but I will feel so ill when I have, and I will feel so scared for when it comes in the post for him, I won't know how to handle his reaction....
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Rose,

You do not need to tell Dave anything about meeting with K if you do not wish to. You could always just see what he does and if he makes any noises about K or bothering you, then lay it on the line. It may help lower your stress a bit to not have to confront him unless you have to. And it will also avoid the inevitable argument he will try to draw you into.

I understand your feelings about living a lie. It is normal to feel that way. This is what it has come to and you had little choice in it. Dave saw to that. It's either stay and be abused or leave and protect you and the kids. Dave has had many choices the whole time you have been with him. You did everything humanly possible to be sure he could change his behavior at any time. You stuck through this marriage, through thick and thin (very thin most of the time!). But you are not happy and Dave does little to make you happy. You deserve to be happy and Dave as made it so the only way you can achieve that is to be far from him.

You are right, you cannot anticipate how it might go when you do give Dave the divorce papers. He may get very upset, he may get abusive, he may just sit or he may even try to manipulate you into changing your mind. All you can control is what you do as a result. It may help you to think ahead to what you might do in reaction to anything he does when he sees the papers. If you are prepared, then you will feel more confident. I can run through the possibilities with you if you want.

What you feel about the freezer is not stupid at all. It's normal to see all these issues as big because of what is happening. Everything stands out and you can see it in a different light than before. What may help you is to think about the future. When Dave is gone, you will not have to worry about any of these problems. You can talk to K whenever you feel like it, where ever you feel like it. You can decide what to do at night without Dave ruining it. You can be free. His issues will no longer be your issues.

The kids will laugh with you! Remember, you have been the responsible adult through all this, not Dave. He is like another kid. You have been the burdened one. And as a result, you have been depressed. But once you are free, that will not be a problem. You will be safe enough to come out of your cocoon and be who you really are. And you have a wicked sense of humor, Rose! :)

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Bless you Kate,

you are so lovely to me :) The fool is home. His bank manager has just phoned, he wanted to talk to me, I said I am no longer having anything to do with his accounts, we talked a little, then D came home, and I put him on. He has an appointment to see him on Saturday. And I've told him he needs to get his accounts done NOW bc the inland Revenue needs information.

Do I sign the form and not think abojut it? Shall I do it with K this evening? Then it has to go in the post, I might not do that, it's something I need so bad, but there is a void between now and the letter in the post.

I must get on, supper, animals, check out wifi at my parents. Thank you for saying I have a SOH, I do try, it would be good for it to come right out and flourish. It would be good to be the real me. :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you Rose!

The best way to decide about signing the form is to decide what is holding you back. Is it fear of what Dave will do? Is it that you don't really want a divorce? Or is it something else?

Once you know what is holding you back, you can work through it. It also helps to know your goals. Do you want out of the marriage or to stay in it? Is there a big reason why divorcing is not a good idea? What are your feelings about your future?
By asking those questions of yourself, you can get a clearer picture of what you want to do.

If you do decide you want the divorce and feel it would help to have support, have K help you. But only if you are sure Dave won't be around to see you.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

thank you. I am at my parent's still, I'm real tired, but just want some peace before I go home, it's lovely and calm here. I had a busy session, but we spent a long time talking about how I felt when D was talking at me the morning after my last session with K, and how I felt ashamed, guilty, like a bad bad girl for doing something naughty, that I had been found out, and that I was being dressed down for bc I had done wrong. I said that I felt pathetic to have just sat there and accepted what he was telling me as what is right, and I was wrong, that I just sat there with my head hung and absorbed it all without any show of anger and retaliation. I said that I should have stood up for myself, been angry with him for crossing the mark, taking away my right for privacy. She said we would try an exercise where she would be D, talk to me as D might, and I could tell him what I wanted to, I could be angry, but that I would be quite safe bc I trusted her. She began to talk to me, and left openings for me to reply (which he wouldn't), but I became extremely anxious, covered my face, and tried and tried to speak, she gave me some words to begin with, 'I feel', but I could say nothing, I tried and tried, but no words would come. It was as if we had turned the clock back to when K and I first started working together, that is how I would be for most of the session, week after week. I felt very stressed.

I felt I didn't really know D, that day after day he is surprising me with more; that he would listen at my door, that he would TELL me as if I was a bad girl that he's heard, that I should do things his way. I realised that his talk was a lecture, it didn't ask me how I felt, what my wishes were, what my opinions were, I was not part of the equation, just my actions.

I did sign the divorce papers with K, I read her what I wrote to you. She said is there anything there that is a lie? What is stopping you from signing? I just needed to have someone tell me it's OK to sign them, but I can have complete control over what happens next and subsequently. Now I need to think about what you wrote above, and then I will post it. I hope. D is that which is holding me back, and his feelings, not whether I'm certain or not, I am without a doubt. A little more thought.....

K and I talked of taking the kids to London at the time when D gets the papers. I got quite swept away with the idea! :)

Best go home now, make sure Poppy is in bed. Goodnight Kate, look forward to talking in the morning,

Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Rose,

It sounds like you had a very productive session with K. I understand your feelings about Dave and not being able to stand up to him. It actually isn't Dave that you fear. If you look at where the co dependency and low self esteem originates, it would be your childhood. You were trained as a child to give in to please. It is where you got your approval. Your mother made it known that to stay on her good side, you gave in and let her rule. You put yourself on the back burner in order to survive. Now that view is what you bring to your marriage and how you see Dave. He has become the "mom" in your relationship. You picked him for that very reason. It's a repeat of what you suffered as a child because that is what you know. In every abusive relationship, it is a pattern that repeats.

Going back to the beginning of why you chose to get into therapy is just fine. You are preparing the end the relationship that has defined you for a long time now. It is a repeat of your childhood, in most ways. You are going to be free of abuse for the first time in your life. Going back to your old feelings and reactions to Dave is natural.

Rose, you don't need anyone to tell you what you want. You have known all along. You may be unsure of signing the papers, but hardly anyone is sure when they go to divorce someone. You are taking a big step. And you have been dominated by Dave for so many years, that taking a step on your own is frightening. But you are strong inside. You know what you want and have wanted for so long. It's just making it permanent and being free that is hard to face. But you can do it.

London is perfect! I think it's a great idea. If you do go, I will have to live vicariously through you. I've always wanted to see London :)

Good night, Rose. I'll talk with you tomorrow.

Katex
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

thank you. London does sound exciting, I have been thinking about it some today. I may wait 'til the end of term, or the last week of term anyway, Poppy is meant to be having activity week, but she isn't keen, and has requested holiday leave for then which I wasn't happy about to begin with, but now it's worked out well with these thoughts of London. I just need to see when Sam finishes college, it's usually earlier than schools anyway.

I have had no electricity today, if I had I would have started to check out places to stay. But there is plenty of time. It just won't be at a time when we all need it the most, when D gets his letter, but I'll have to arrange something else for that time, friends or another port of call.

The weather is beautiful today, a real hot one, though not as hot as you may get. K told me it was 98f yesterday, I'm not sure what we are today (actually it's 23 C), but we work in centigrade anyway, so I get confused. I bathed Poppy's pony's mane and tail this morning, got well hot, then took him for a walk. I was glad to have a shower and put on a SKIRT!! Unheard of (Poppy said WHAT are you wearing mum?!?)

I was glad I slept well last night, K was concerned I may have a bad night after my session, but I was quite exhausted. The sunshine does brighten the soul, and awaken the mind, but both mine are seriously flagging now. I'm at Poppy's music theory lesson, pleasant surroundings, piano playing, kids playing tennis. I was a bit more focused with Kitty this afternoon, no glaring mistakes, just forgetting to attach files to emails before hitting send, but no harm done:)

I am home now, supper and chores done and dusted. Kids are out, nice evening. D home via the pub, then out again. I am home alone. I'm not doing good feeling muddled and scared.

I don't know how long D was in the pub, but it was at least an hour bc he was there when I passed to pick Sam up. he can in in good spirits, well I mean foolishly, childishly high, and behaved like a big kid at the supper table, winding the kids up about this fridge freezer he is getting. I believe it's a double doored model, much like yours no doubt(!!??!)- they are known as American style in the shops. He continued like this through supper, the kids enjoying it to a point, then a friend of Poppy's arrived and he told them all a joke, which was funny I admit, and the kids laughed lots.

But my head is screaming, I cannot do this anymore. I want out, he wants in with all his might, making this FF thing so so big for the kids, it has an ice dispenser etc. Jokes. At least he isn't fighting with them.

I have come to my room to try to calm myself, listening to gentle celtic music, it's lovely, but I'm feeling really screwed up inside, sick. I have got the papers out to see what else I have to do. There is a form 'Statement of arrangements for children'. I have to fill in some of the form, and D has to sign in agreement of the arrangements as stated. That means I'll have to talk to him about it, I don't know how I can do that.

I've missed you today, I forgot we wouldn't have power.

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I wanted to move the above post over to my next Q, please could you answer me there? Thanks
Rose

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