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I need to head out this morning for church but I will be back in a few hours. I just wanted to grab your question because it was on the queue.
See you in a bit,
Shay,It sounds like you watch these shows because they repeat the level of violence and fear you experienced when you were hurt. You probably identify with them, pick up similar details to your crime and use them to reinforce what you feel about what happened to you. It is also a way to relate to the trauma you experienced. Here are a group of people who have the unique understanding that you do of what happened to you. And you can feel sympathy for them, something you do not allow for yourself with what happened to you.The danger comes in when you get stuck with the fascination of these shows. Because of the trauma, you are now exposed to a new level of fear and intensity. There is a possibility that in trying to address your symptoms, you fear going back to the level you were before, a sort of letting go of what happened to you. It has defined you for so long that letting go can be very difficult and frightening.Once you do work through your trauma though, you will find it easier to let go of these shows and any other references to what happened to you. It's hard to think about the fact that you could have died during the attack. But I can tell you that the authorities would not have seen what happened to you as consensual. You suffered a lot of trauma, tears and bruising, maybe more than you realized because you were in shock afterwards. But what is most upsetting is that you even have to picture the possibility at all. Psychologically coping with the fact that you could have died is just as traumatic as the bruises you had.
The dream you had is telling. It sounds like you might be angry at yourself for "letting" the attack happen. You say you are sorry because a side of you is sorry it happened, but it's too late. You may also want to mention this dream to Linda to see if she wants to do some work with it. I'm glad to hear that Bryce liked his clothes! That was a kind thing for you to do for him. I doubt he'll ever forget it.When I suggested you write out what your parent's beliefs are compared to yours/healthy ones, I meant it as a way to separate what was healthy and what was not. Like the example you gave of when you were little and got hurt, how your mother reacted. Using that, here is what I was thinking:Parents- it's not ok to cry or be upset when you are hurtYou/healthy behavior- getting hurt physically is painful and crying about it is okParents- it's not ok to ask for help when you need itYou/healthy behavior- it is perfectly fine to get help to work through difficult times.Of course, you would add your own feelings and thoughts about it, but that is an example. It can help you separate the beliefs that come from your parents and the ones that are healthy.Kate