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Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hey Kate. Banjo lesson went well. Then I needed some socks,

Resolved Question:

Hey Kate. Banjo lesson went well. Then I needed some socks, so I went shopping. Jamie wanted to go, but she and Her husband were going to the crest of the mountain for a picnic, which is awesome. So I volunteered to get Bryce (her husband) his graduation outfit (he gets his degree in a few weeks). I love shoppIng for guys and for kids. So I got Bryce a bunch of stuff. The guy has one pair of dress pants, one long sleeve dress shirt, a few golf shirts and the rest are jeans and t-shirts. But he loves how austin's dad dresses - very nice and bright and preppy. Right up my alley. So I got him a few pairs of cuffed slacks (he may not want cuffs but too bad), several really cool dress shirts and some awesome ties. I'm not sure he knows this yet, but he's wearing grey slacks, a pink dress shirt, and pink and grey paisley tie for graduation. I'm insisting. Now I just need to get him to buy some dress shoes. Jamie will be psyched. She knows Bryce will wear them if I give them to him. Guys are so easy to shop for: waist size, inseam, collar and sleeve. I wish it was as easy for women. I also got Jamie's daughter and our pastor & Debra's granddaughter some adorable dresses an shoes and stuff. I love shopping for 3 & 4 year olds! If I had kids, I might be tired of it, but meanwhile, I'm sure their parents appreciate it. So that was fun.
I can't feel much difference with the new meds, although I feel like my mood Is lifted some. Don't know if I'm any more focused. I haven't done anything today that requires focus (except matching ties to shirts). So we will see. It is definitely suppressing my appetite. I can tell already.

I don't know what I want from dr m. Maybe I want her to fix me. I totally agree with you about why she is careful. And when she asked me to describe the flashbacks (not the content, just how it felt - like if I felt I was in it or what, etc), she said "if you are comfortable telling me.".

But if I don't know what I even want from her, it's no good. And I don't want to hurt Linda's feelings like it did at first before. Maybe I just want another person - a doctor - who doesn't have any therapeutic responsibilities to me - to tell me I'm normal and okay.

I don't know if imagining that they are here will work. I can't get the focus of my anger turned on them. Maybe I can work on that. Right now I feel like taking it out on myself will make me feel better. I don't know why. Maybe because I will have paid for whatever I did? But these aren't guilt feelings I'm Having. It's more like rage. It's kind I scary. And I don't think this is fair. It's weird to say and feel, because all the time growing up, if we said anything was unfair, my parents said "life isn't fair" and that was it. End of discussion. We learned from a young age not to say it. And we were taught that if we felt we got the bad end of the stick on anything, we were being selfish, because someone had to get the bad end, and by complaining, I am wishing it in someone else. But I'm really not. I don't want this to have happened to anyone. I don't sit around and say "why me?". And I'm sorry, but it's NOT fair and I know life isn't fair, but this seems extreme to me. And i am pissed at my parents, too, again, because they left me without a source of help, I feel. And they make me feel weak and like a loser. I'm sorry. This stuff is upsetting. And I'm sorry it still bothers me after all this time. But it's also not fair that I can't now share with my parents the biggest, most difficult thing going on in my life, because I know they would think I was bring over dramatic and playing the victim for some reason. Maybe I am overreacting, but this is my true reaction. If I'm overly sensitive, then I'm overly sensitive. I'm tired of feeling like it is punishable. I am really worked up right now. I'm not sure what to do to relieve it. I feel a lot of pressure inside.
S
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Shay,

It sounds like you had lots of fun shopping! It think Jamie's husband is going to love his outfit. And everyone else will too. Stepping out of tradition is always fun and it makes you more approachable as a person too.

They do have the cutest clothes for little kids, don't they? Parents always appreciate gifts from others for their kids. When your kids are little, you are either too tired or too low on money to buy a lot for your own kids so gifts are what save you most of the time!

I would think that the new medications would take some time to get into your system and start affecting you. I would give it another day or two and see how you feel then.

You definitely have a right to see Dr. M more often if you wish to. It is easy to feel responsible for Linda's feelings about it, especially since she made her feelings known last time, but that is about boundary crossing. Linda's feelings are for her to deal with, and she is not supposed to be putting them on you.

It's ok to check in with Dr. M and ask her about your progress. That is a good idea. Let her know that you feel the need for reassurance that you are doing as well as you can be (you are, but it helps to hear it from someone else too).

I think you hit the nail on the head when you brought up the rage you feel and how you direct at yourself because of what you learned as a child. You explained it very well. The psychologically twisted view your parents had about blame and responsibility has led you to believe that being attacked is about you taking on the blame (if someone was to get the short end of the stick, why not you. You don't want to wish it on someone else by wishing that it didn't happen to you). And putting the blame where it belongs is not acceptable, at least according to your parents point of view.

Saying life isn't fair is just a way of brushing off feelings that you have been hurt and that you need to work through. For example, who says to a child that scraps her knee "life isn't fair" and ignores her? How do you think that child would feel? Compare her to a parent who comes out and says, "ouch, I'm sorry. Let me help you clean that up". The first child learns that it is not ok to feel and quickly represses her feelings. The other child learns that it is ok to feel upset, lean on others for help, then put it behind her.

Because of what your parents did, you never got the chance to see that it is ok to blame those guys for what they did. You never had the chance to see that not everything is your fault. You also never got the support you needed. You also never learned that it is ok to ask for help, especially from those who are supposed to love you most.

It may take some time and some work, but you can turn this around and direct the anger at those guys. Facing what they did to you is one step. Understanding that what you feel is about your parents and their beliefs and that they don't have to be yours is another. Have you tried writing out, in steps, what beliefs you feel belong to your parents and what is realistic regarding your feelings? It may help you to break your beliefs down on paper so you can see more clearly how they have influenced how you are looking at the attack.

Good night Shay. I hope you have another good night, no nightmares. And I hope you feel better about yourself. You don't deserve to accept blame for what happened to you.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
But did I somehow deserve what happened? What did I do that was so terrible?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I just watched a show where a woman was sodomized with a bottle. They found the cap inside during her autopsy.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You did not deserve what happen at all. You didn't do anything at all to cause this. That is your parents way of thinking. It is also somewhat natural for survivors to look for ways they can blame themselves. But it is never their fault. No one wants to be hurt on purpose.

I am sorry you had to see such an awful show. What happened to that woman was horrendous. I could not imagine the horror she suffered. It cannot be helpful for you to see that happen to someone else. It repeats the trauma you suffered through.

I need to go for the night. I hope you have a good one. I will check back in tomorrow if you want to talk more about this.

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5425
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
They didn't show it. They just told about it. And showed the X-ray. It was a documentary show. I watch that stuff all the time. But I've never heard of a bottle being used on someone else on any of the shows. The point of the show was that 2 innocent men were convicted of her rape and murder. And spent over a decade in jail before DNA test exonerated them and led to the conviction of a man who had testified against both o them. She was 21 also. But she died. I'll start another thread tonight. Thanks for talking to me this weekend. I dot feel so left alone.

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