Shay,It sounds like you had lots of fun shopping! It think Jamie's husband is going to love his outfit. And everyone else will too. Stepping out of tradition is always fun and it makes you more approachable as a person too. They do have the cutest clothes for little kids, don't they? Parents always appreciate gifts from others for their kids. When your kids are little, you are either too tired or too low on money to buy a lot for your own kids so gifts are what save you most of the time!I would think that the new medications would take some time to get into your system and start affecting you. I would give it another day or two and see how you feel then.You definitely have a right to see Dr. M more often if you wish to. It is easy to feel responsible for Linda's feelings about it, especially since she made her feelings known last time, but that is about boundary crossing. Linda's feelings are for her to deal with, and she is not supposed to be putting them on you.It's ok to check in with Dr. M and ask her about your progress. That is a good idea. Let her know that you feel the need for reassurance that you are doing as well as you can be (you are, but it helps to hear it from someone else too).I think you hit the nail on the head when you brought up the rage you feel and how you direct at yourself because of what you learned as a child. You explained it very well. The psychologically twisted view your parents had about blame and responsibility has led you to believe that being attacked is about you taking on the blame (if someone was to get the short end of the stick, why not you. You don't want to wish it on someone else by wishing that it didn't happen to you). And putting the blame where it belongs is not acceptable, at least according to your parents point of view.Saying life isn't fair is just a way of brushing off feelings that you have been hurt and that you need to work through. For example, who says to a child that scraps her knee "life isn't fair" and ignores her? How do you think that child would feel? Compare her to a parent who comes out and says, "ouch, I'm sorry. Let me help you clean that up". The first child learns that it is not ok to feel and quickly represses her feelings. The other child learns that it is ok to feel upset, lean on others for help, then put it behind her.Because of what your parents did, you never got the chance to see that it is ok to blame those guys for what they did. You never had the chance to see that not everything is your fault. You also never got the support you needed. You also never learned that it is ok to ask for help, especially from those who are supposed to love you most.It may take some time and some work, but you can turn this around and direct the anger at those guys. Facing what they did to you is one step. Understanding that what you feel is about your parents and their beliefs and that they don't have to be yours is another. Have you tried writing out, in steps, what beliefs you feel belong to your parents and what is realistic regarding your feelings? It may help you to break your beliefs down on paper so you can see more clearly how they have influenced how you are looking at the attack. Good night Shay. I hope you have another good night, no nightmares. And I hope you feel better about yourself. You don't deserve to accept blame for what happened to you. Kate
You did not deserve what happen at all. You didn't do anything at all to cause this. That is your parents way of thinking. It is also somewhat natural for survivors to look for ways they can blame themselves. But it is never their fault. No one wants to be hurt on purpose.
I am sorry you had to see such an awful show. What happened to that woman was horrendous. I could not imagine the horror she suffered. It cannot be helpful for you to see that happen to someone else. It repeats the trauma you suffered through.
I need to go for the night. I hope you have a good one. I will check back in tomorrow if you want to talk more about this.