Hey Kate. Banjo lesson went well. Then I needed some socks, so I went shopping. Jamie wanted to go, but she and Her husband were going to the crest of the mountain for a picnic, which is awesome. So I volunteered to get Bryce (her husband) his graduation outfit (he gets his degree in a few weeks). I love shoppIng for guys and for kids. So I got Bryce a bunch of stuff. The guy has one pair of dress pants, one long sleeve dress shirt, a few golf shirts and the rest are jeans and t-shirts. But he loves how austin's dad dresses - very nice and bright and preppy. Right up my alley. So I got him a few pairs of cuffed slacks (he may not want cuffs but too bad), several really cool dress shirts and some awesome ties. I'm not sure he knows this yet, but he's wearing grey slacks, a pink dress shirt, and pink and grey paisley tie for graduation. I'm insisting. Now I just need to get him to buy some dress shoes. Jamie will be psyched. She knows Bryce will wear them if I give them to him. Guys are so easy to shop for: waist size, inseam, collar and sleeve. I wish it was as easy for women. I also got Jamie's daughter and our pastor & Debra's granddaughter some adorable dresses an shoes and stuff. I love shopping for 3 & 4 year olds! If I had kids, I might be tired of it, but meanwhile, I'm sure their parents appreciate it. So that was fun.
I can't feel much difference with the new meds, although I feel like my mood Is lifted some. Don't know if I'm any more focused. I haven't done anything today that requires focus (except matching ties to shirts). So we will see. It is definitely suppressing my appetite. I can tell already.
I don't know what I want from dr m. Maybe I want her to fix me. I totally agree with you about why she is careful. And when she asked me to describe the flashbacks (not the content, just how it felt - like if I felt I was in it or what, etc), she said "if you are comfortable telling me.".
But if I don't know what I even want from her, it's no good. And I don't want to hurt Linda's feelings like it did
at first before. Maybe I just want another person - a doctor - who doesn't have any therapeutic responsibilities to me - to tell me I'm normal and okay.
I don't know if imagining that they are here will work. I can't get the focus of my anger turned on them. Maybe I can work on that. Right now I feel like taking it out on myself will make me feel better. I don't know why. Maybe because I will have paid for whatever I did? But these aren't guilt feelings I'm Having. It's more like rage. It's kind I scary. And I don't think this is fair. It's weird to say and feel, because all the time growing up, if we said anything was unfair, my parents said "life isn't fair" and that was it. End of discussion. We learned from a young age not to say it. And we were taught that if we felt we got the bad end of the stick on anything, we were being selfish, because someone had to get the bad end, and by complaining, I am wishing it in someone else. But I'm really not. I don't want this to have happened to anyone. I don't sit around and say "why me?". And I'm sorry, but it's NOT fair and I know life isn't fair, but this seems extreme to me. And i am pissed at my parents, too, again, because they left me without a source of help, I feel. And they make me feel weak and like a loser. I'm sorry. This stuff is upsetting. And I'm sorry it still bothers me after all this time. But it's also not fair that I can't now share with my parents the biggest, most difficult thing going on in my life, because I know they would think I was bring over dramatic and playing the victim for some reason. Maybe I am overreacting, but this is my true reaction. If I'm overly sensitive, then I'm overly sensitive. I'm tired of feeling like it is punishable. I am really worked up right now. I'm not sure what to do to relieve it. I feel a lot of pressure inside.