sleep pretty well last night! I wanted to sleep in at least until 8:00 or 8:30, but Millie apparently had other ideas. I think they are out of whack because p is gone. Millie wanted to sleep on my bed, and P's little dog wouldn't even let her try. I didn't really want Millie on the bed. She's too big. But it's funny that she is bossed around by a dog 1/10 her size. She doesn't realize how big she is. But that meant she was whining at me from 6 on.
I haven't talked to dr m about seein her as well. She just suggested I come in for a longer appointment because she wanted to talk to me more and get a better idea of what my symptoms were, just so she would know. The first time I saw her, I thought that nightmares
were pretty much my only PTSD symptom and we talked about add
stuff and a lot, but I wasn't having that many issues then and wasn't feeling anything. The meds were more for what they knew was to come and I sleep. The second time I saw he was when I had Linda tell her about what happened and I had the medical questions. Otherwise, we have just talked on the phone a lot - I was having to all her once a week for a while to follow up on how the meds were doing. She had told me at the outset that she would do as much by phone as was ethical, since I had to pay out of pocket, which was super nice. Then we just had a half hour med appointment yesterday. Now that I am having other issues, she is not so up to date, because there's only so much that can be said in a vm message or call. And I don't have to follow up with her very much anymore. when she suggested the long appointment, I told her I thought that would be good and that I wasn't sure if I could, from time to time, make appointments to just talk to her. She said of course, whenever I want. I don't know how helpful it would be, now that I think about it. It would be good to get another perspective, and she is so opposite of Linda. But she also is very careful about what she says and asks. Like yesterday, when asking about the flashbacks, she said "only if you are comfortable telling me about them.". And when I saw her last time, I said "I'm not sure what Linda told you..." and she said "l'll tell you what she told me .." but when she was telling me, she was careful to say they used an "object" and not say "bottle" and said that Linda told her I had some "relationship confusion". It makes sense that she would be like that - she's not my therapist. It's not her responsibility to get me to face anything. But maybe that's what I like - that she doesn't probe at all. But I understand it's because there is a different point to my seeing her than my seeing Linda. I don't know what my goal would be in meeting with her once a month. then there is the issue of the fact that last time I told Linda I was going to talk to dr m, she seemed kind of jealous. She even admitted to me that her first reaction was "why can she talk to me?". I dont know. I'll set up the one appointment at least to fill her in.
Even though I slept well, I woke up mad still (and not just perturbed by Millie). I want to scream that this isn't fair. I want to punch people randomly (don't worry - I won't :) ). Want to. Any my fists on the floor and cry until I can't cry anymore. But I don't do it. I can't. I want to stab myself over and over - not because I want to hurt myself. Just to get the anger out. Not an option, obviously. I can't help but direct the anger towards myself. There's nobody else to whom to direct it. They aren't here. If they were, I would run away - not beat on them. They may not even be alive. It's like they exist only to me. I want to punch the walls or do .... Something to get the anger out. But I know it will be fruitless and I don't want to hurt myself or damage something and have to explain it. Aargh.
I have a banjo lesson this morning. I always enjoy my time with Bill, my teacher. I am going to start the adderall IR today and see what it does. I hope it does something. And I am going to try to organize some stuff at home, if I can motivate myself.
I am really glad I don't drink. I mean, I will have one once or twice a year - but it just makes me tired. But I thank God I don't even have the desire, because it would be really easy, I think, to fall into that right now if I were so prone. Thank you, God!!
As an aside, I didn't really realize that risk-taking behaviors were an indication of ADD (unless someone was hyperactive, then it might make sense to me). When dr m was asking me about childhood behaviors, she said that my setting fires, jumping off roofs, lighting me hands on fire (actually - cool trick - it doesn't hurt if you do it right and people used to pay me with beer in college for doing it), Climbing radio towers, etc. is probably from ADD. She said even my calculated risks, like bungee jumping and skydiving and rock climbing without safety gear was probably a part of that as well. I found that very interesting.
Talk to ya later.