Kate: I thought I’d write tonight so you can read it tomorrow or whenever you’re on. I don’t know why I’m angry and resentful. I’m not angry at Linda. I did
start feeling pretty low after my session with Linda on Monday. I just think maybe it was too much in such a short time to tell you that thing, then to tell you about the sexuality stuff, then to tell Linda about that thing. Maybe I overwhelmed myself. And then I knew I wouldn’t have another session for a week and a half, and I knew P was leaving, and I just felt like I got in over my head and it is too much and too many feelings for me to take. And I feel alone, because Linda and P left. And I feel pathetic for feeling that way, I guess because it means need them. But I wanted a break from therapy for a week or so, and I wanted some time alone. I chose not to go to Phoenix (I also have too much work, but I did want some time alone). And I wanted not to talk to you or need you, either. I felt pretty intense Monday night, but that has been totally dampened, and has been replaced by a more muddled non-specific feeling of unhappiness. I have been feeling generally down for weeks now, but now it just seems more so. But underneath it, is anger. But I don’t know why. As I said, I’m not angry at Linda – it did start after my session Monday, but she is not the focus of my anger. I feel like I’m mad at everything and everyone, and it’s been growing since Tuesday. I don’t think it helped that I had the stomach flu Wednesday. I’m sure I wasn’t feeling good on Tuesday already. I am mad that I’m unhappy. I’m mad that I have to deal with this stuff and that I have to deal with it now. I hate that I misjudged things. I hate knowing and feeling what I have been oblivious to for so long. I hate that I have all these “issues” which make me vulnerable, unreasonable, overreacting and pathetic. I hate that this is the center of my life right now. I hate that they are still a part of me and still have some control over me after all this time. I hate that I’ve been on so many different medications and am on so many now. I hate that I can’t even predict my own actions – the flashbacks with little warning are unnerving. I hate that this thing ever happened and that I even have to think about it or remember it, and I hate the fact that so much of it seems unnecessary. I don’t know why they couldn’t just get their rocks off by simple sex. That would have been bad enough, but more tolerable. The other things seem extreme. I hate that I don’t have what other people have. I know I am very blessed, and I like my life, and I’m not discounting that – but I’m just feeling negative right now. I am mad and upset that I don’t have a marriage, that I don’t have a sex life. That seems weird--- because when I think about it in one way, sex is not appealing and is scary --- but I want to be in love and the things that come with it, It’s not the fact that I have unfulfilled sexual needs – it’s more that I feel left out and I don’t even really know what I’m missing. I want to be normal and have a normal relationship. And I think I want kids. I know all this may or may not be attributable to what happened, but I am pissed about it nonetheless. I feel like I am missing something really big in that regard. And I’m really upset about it. But I also feel like it’s too late and that physically I may not be able to deal with a sexual relationship, and it would be unfair to have a marriage or something without that. I feel so damaged and I’m mad. I’m really mad. Like crying mad. I feel like having a temper tantrum. I have tried to play drums, work on my stained glass, just read --- none of it is helping or holding my interest. I don’t even want to cut because I don’t feel like that would be a relief. It’s like it wouldn’t be enough unless I cut an artery or something, which obviously is out of the question. I want to just go to sleep and not wake up for a very very long time. I am trying to get myself upbeat by thinking about the move to the new (old) office and making my lists for that, etc. But I can’t even bring myself to start a stupid list --- and you know my life revolves around lists. All I’ve done to prepare is keep some boxes, order some more boxes, and pick out paint for my office. I only have like 43 days. There’s a ton to be done, aside from my normal work. But I am totally unmotivated. I told some attorneys today at the CLE that I’m going back. I didn’t get the impression that some of them thought it was a good idea. But they don’t know. I had a few of them offer me jobs or to merge with them, if I wasn’t interested in being on my own anymore. Flattering, but not something I would consider. It was interesting how the few people I told acted like I should have announced I was a free agent or something, and didn’t want a solo practice anymore. Weird. The Chapter 13 Trustee wanted me to promise to go to lunch with her next week before I did anything else. I told her I had already definitely made my decision. I am guessing she isn’t happy with their staff attorney and she wants to hire me, but Austin thinks she is going to tell me she’s going to retire (because she has asked me a few times about replacing her when she retires – I would have to be appointed by the US Trustee, but if she wanted me as her replacement, I think it would happen – plus I get along with everyone at the US Trustee’s office really well). THAT would be an issue, because other than being a bankruptcy Judge, that would be the only other thing I really might want to do. Oh well. If that’s the case (which I don’t think it is – last time I spoke to her, she wasn’t planning on retiring for 5 more years), I’ll talk to LP and see what he thinks. I think I may be justified in asking LP for more money when we merge, considering the business I’m bringing with me and that I will likely continue to get, and considering the other offers I’m getting. But maybe not. Money is not why I left. I was able to give Jamie another raise today, which was good. I haven’t been able to pay her what I feel she’s worth, so I’m glad I could give her another raise.
I am getting calmer now, talking about that. But I am still angry. I shot my bb gun tonight. I accidentally shot the hot tub. I’m really hoping I didn’t put a hole in it. Maybe I should try to fill it up tomorrow and see.
I am actually glad that Dr. M wants to talk with me, and I think I may try to go to her once a month, I can’t really do it more often, because she doesn’t take my insurance, so I pay out of pocket. That would be okay, except that I have a high copay with Linda - $50 – so I have been paying $100/ week to see her for the last however many months. That adds up. I DO have great Rx coverage, though. I can’t wait till I’m back on LP’s insurance. We always had the best coverage. I couldn’t get any better coverage now, even by paying more, because I don’t qualify for individual insurance because of the complicated migraines, and I have to go with a healthcare alliance for self-employed persons who don’t otherwise qualify. So options are limited. But I think meeting with her once a month, as opposed to mostly leaving each other messages about meds, would be good, so she knows what is going on. Plus, I think it would be good for me, because she and Linda have absolutely opposite personalities and demeanors. Dr. M is very quiet and serious and barely changes facial expressions. But I like her, and I know she likes me because I read in Linda’s notes what she told Linda about me when I first went to her. And I can just tell. I asked her today how she knew to send me for a sleep study in our first meeting. Turns out she did a sleep medicine fellowship and is certification eligible in sleep medicine, and was explaining to me why she didn’t practice in that area. So she knew what she was talking about from the start. She hadn’t mentioned that before. Sp what do you think – would seeing Dr. M once a month be good to get another perspective, or do you think it could cause confusion for me if they have different ideas?
Well, I’m getting really tires. My meds are kicking in. I am still pretty worked up and mad, but not as bad as an hour ago. I feel like beating on something. (where’s a piñata when you need one?)