Thank you Kate,
I know, I really really don't want to leave at all, least of all the kids with D. I am just so confused about everything that different scenarios plague me daily, and I get all mixed up. Each scenario has it's pluses, and drawbacks, and I always seem to put D's feelings at the top. Today, in my head at the moment, I am living here with D, just doing my best to keep my distance. He is paying me a weekly amount towards the household bills, and he is buying his own food (that might get tricky), and getting his own meals (as you mentioned a few posts ago). I would like to have him do his own washing, but that's no big deal. He changes his bed himself already (4th time in a whole year last week!!!!!!) and sorta cleans his room.
I think you asked how I'd feel if he brought another woman into the home to live. Well I'd feel that would not be acceptable, and he would have to move out if he wanted to live with another woman- I'd be delighted that he'd found another woman, absolutely (I've been hoping for a long time!!!), but I don't think that would be fair. I'd not do so either. If we were to both live here there would need to be (maybe) legally bound house rules. I've already talked to the lawyer about what could happen to the house, he said it could be legally divided in terms of percentage ownership, and re-registered with land registry, then finances would be totally separate. I guess we would have to pay equally to maintenance and household bills etc, but that could all be sorted at mediation. And my parents, I don't know how they would feel about it, I know they want me to stay, and it should be my future, and that of the kids too, and i know they feel I should be entitled to more than 50% of the value, but I don't know if the courts will see it that way.
I was even thinking earlier, if we did
have divided ownership as I have described above, when the kids have left home, and I want to leave the house, then we could get it valued for rental purposes, and he could pay me half the value of the recommended rental, so he gets to stay there, and I can rent somewhere else. I know I would be at a loss there, not be able to buy myself another property, maybe he'll meet someone who can help him buy me out. I don't want any of it to go this way, D and I sharing for the next 4 years, then him staying and me going, and really I can't deal with what is going to happen just yet, I need to get all the thoughts and feelings of the actual divorce sorted first, most of all his initial reaction, and the immediate fallout from it. He may be so hurt and upset by it all he will want to leave, that would be better for him I guess, come to terms with it away from me, with someone who he can talk to. I don't think he's talked to anybody about what's going on, he tells me I should speak to his friends about everything, yet I don't think he is himself. I think he's hoping it will just go away if he tries hard enough. Do you think I'm mean not giving him a chance, now that he's stopped drinking so much, hasn't been overtly abusive, is making an effort?
Another thought has just struck me.... if we both stay in the home, at least at the outset, and the divorce is going through, D is unlikely to maintain his lack of alcohol, and niceness, and there may be an incident which I can use against him (actually you've already said that a few posts ago, I'm just catching up!)
I know I can stand on my own, be independent. It's the fighting within to believe I have the right that is the thing that is so big and in the way. I talked with my parents this morning, told them frankly of where progress had been made, and of his manipulative skills. I told them that I have unbearable guilt and feelings of being bad, and they were emphatic (well dad was) that I shouldn't feel guilt and bad, that I should go for what I want, and they were supportive of everything I was trying to do. I told them about D's eavesdropping, and they were upset, said to use their home while they are away for the next 2 weeks, and that they will always give me privacy. I was unable to keep from crying the whole time, the first time they've seen me cry, and it wasn't so bad, they didn't show any reaction.
As I was re-hanging the washing from last night on the airer, I said to D that I had intended on leaving it on the line until today as I knew it wouldn't be dry in time. He said he didn't realise it was still damp, felt OK to him, and besides, it rained last night, it would have been wetter left on the line. I said that happens, but it dries again by the end of the day, or I deal with it. He said well I thought I was doing you a favor. I said I appreciate that, but next time could you fold the clothes once you get them in, or rehang them, as they get very creased when damp. He said he would have done that if I'd asked him. So I was bitching, exactly as I knew he would see it if I said anything.
D is out gigging this afternoon and evening, this evening at his local where he drinks so much. One of the pubites, who is a lower limb amputee, has been running with the Olympic Torch today, and will be running to the pub with it for a beer (after he has officially handed over to the next runner of course, but he gets to keep his torch) So D is hoping to be playing to the crowds down there. He wanted me to go, but I won't.